Edge Of Desire
by SophieSchmidt
Summary: When devoutly religious Logan moves to L.A to become a Mormon missionary the last thing he expected was to be living next door to openly gay Kendall Knight. Logan is the ultimate challenge, everything about him is forbidden, untouched and pure; Kendall must have him. But how do you seduce someone who views homosexuality as a one way ticket to Hell? Based on the film Latter Days. AU
1. Hot and Bright

**A/N: Well well well... A new story... Where do I even begin? The idea for this has been playing around in my mind for quite some time now, but the pairings never seemed right... until I discovered Kogan... **

**First and foremost, this is based off the 2003 film _Latter Days, _in which Kendall is the character Christian and Logan is Aaron. If you haven't seen the film then no worries, it's not a prerequisite. And even though the main story line in this is similar it's also in a way completely different, because that's a film and this is writing, my writing to be specific. And I am taking my liberty with the characters, pretty much none of them are going to be the same from the film except Kendall and Logan...**

**So basically the premise is simple: When devoutly religious Logan Mitchell moves to L.A to become a Mormon Missionary the last thing he expected was to be living next door to openly gay Kendall Knight. Logan is the ultimate challenge, everything about him is forbidden, untouched and pure; Kendall must have him. But how do you seduce someone who views homosexuality as a one way ticket to Hell? **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or any of its affiliates. Nor do I own the film _Latter Days. _**

**I am also not a religious person so I say sorry in advance to anyone I may be offending.**

**This story is going to be an absolute roller coaster of emotions, so get ready to strap your hearts in and enjoy the ride!**

** Oh and let me know what you think :)**

* * *

He stares up at the sun, it's hot and bright and sparkly and it reminds him that he is definitely not in Texas anymore. Of course there is sun in Texas, in fact it's always sunny there it seems, but this is different, L.A sun is... different. L.A sun is bright, sparkly and almost in a way reflects the inhabitants of this fine metropolis. But it's not him, it's nothing him, he is not bright, sparkly or anything worth writing home about. But that's ok, that's why he needs to do this, to become a better person, to become the person his parents always wanted him to be. And it's what he wanted to... didn't everyone? This was a great honour, a privilege if you will; he was doing the right thing.

Whether or not L.A was the right place remains to question, but it's not like he had a choice, he never had a choice.

He walks slowly up the long steps to the place he shall now call home, taking in the sights around him and preparing himself for the next two years. The buildings are perfect and matched and in neat little rows that instantly make him feel more comfortable; he likes organisation. Everything reflects the sun; bright bright bright. The rendered cream walls of the small buildings compliment the honey brown tiled roofs and the seemingly bland colours shine when surrounded by every flower known to man. Some houses have more flowers than others, some have palm trees, some have ferns, some have rose bushes, some have daffodils and some have nothing. He doesn't like those, he hopes his has one with flowers and colour and happiness.

He plays close attention the numbers of the houses as he passes, 1A, 2A, 3A, 1B, 2B, 3B... the cycle continues much the same. He knows he's got a little ways to go, and now regrets not getting the cab driver to go a little further up the street.

_"Oh I don't mind walking"_ He said.

_"These bags aren't too heavy"_ He said.

But the thing about wrong choices and bad mistakes; we learn not to make them twice.

He almost lets out a sigh of relief when he finds the number he is looking for.

1J.

The J blocks couldn't be more separated if they tried, up a small garden path and nowhere near close enough to the street that one might hope, but that's ok; he doesn't complain. In fact it's rather beautiful, like the 3 apartments of J are in their own secluded world surrounded by trees and flowers and almost... almost secrets.

Before he knocks on the door, but after he drops his bags to the ground, he takes a moment to turn around, and almost gasps at the sight. The scene before him is beautiful, he almost feels as if he is on top of the world. L.A sprawls out in front of his eyes, from corner to corner he can see it all and it takes his breath away. He feels so high, so... significant, as if he is the King of this beautiful city. When he first came to L.A he was slightly overwhelmed by it all, it all just seemed like dots, bright dots all jumbled together to create one burning picture of randomness, but as every minute increases spent here, the more beautiful it becomes.

His attention is drawn from the view when music as loud as sirens starts blaring from the apartment next to his own and he inwardly frowns and starts to pray this will not be a regular occurrence. But it's not just the music that catches his eyes, it's all the colour. It's as if every flower, every tree, every bush has been placed outside this house and he can't draw his gaze away, it's almost overwhelming in beauty. How something so chaotic can mesh together to create something so beautiful.

He squints to see the number on the door, to see the number on this mysterious, loud music playing, and colourful house.

2J.

Apartment 2J.

He wonders what secrets lay beyond the door of apartment 2J.

But he has no more time for wondering as the door to his own apartment is flung open, startling him for a fraction of a second.

A tall, muscular and seemingly handsome young man looks down on him and his face looks kind and welcoming, a small smile playing on the edge of his lips. The man extends a hand out for him to shake and he takes it gladly, returning a smile but one that is much more nervous.

"H-hello" He stammers, releasing his hand and slinging his backs back over his shoulders.

"Hi" The man smiles, "I'm Elder Zevon, please come in"

And so he does. He follows Elder Zevon through the small hallway until a living room comes into sight and the area spans out, creating more space and light. The room is bare, as is the walls, only a few couches litter the floor and a single wooden cross hangs from the wall.

"Hey! Newbie!" A blonde man grins, jumping up from the couch and extending his hand. "I'm Elder Stetson"

As he shakes Elder Stetson's hand quickly with a small, feeble smile on his face, Elder Zevon starts speaking again.

"There is one more that lives with us, but he's coming in the next few days, Elder Ridge. So then that must make you, Elder Mitchell am I correct?"

"Correct"

"Well, welcome to your new life"

* * *

Kendall Knight barely raises an eyebrow as he kicks last night's conquest out his apartment, watching the mans tight ass swing back and forth as he walks down the path. It was a great ass to take, Kendall won't deny that, but he has no further interest in seeing said ass again. David was nice, or whatever, but it's not like Kendall really wanted to invest in a relation - wait, was it David? Or Daniel? Either way, it was fun but nothing out of the ordinary, just a typical Friday night.

He's about to turn back inside the house when he sees a young man walking up the path, heavy bags slung over both shoulders and looking so lost in his thoughts Kendall could yell and he wouldn't hear him.

The first thing that comes to Kendall's mind is: holy fuck.

This man is _hot_. And not just hot; cute. He looks cute and sweet and yet at the same time would be begging for it up the ass on all fours. What an image. He has soft chocolate brown hair that is brushed to the side, pale skin that looks out of place for L.A but so perfectly perfect on this man that it's ok and Kendall wouldn't want it any other way. He is short, but not ridiculously so, but short enough to have to reach up on the tips of his toes to be able to kiss someone like Kendall... another great image. And whilst Kendall is looking at his body he can tell, even under those clothes that seem way too hot and formal for a Saturday morning, that he is toned, muscular and all round delicious. But this is not what strikes Kendall most, not his soft hair or pale skin or toned body, it's his eyes. His eyes are... shining. No, not just shining, they are _glowing. _Kendall feels like the world is held in this boys' eyes, like those deep mocha pools are swimming with the answers to the universe and Kendall wants to drown in them; drown in the answers.

Instead of going to speak to him Kendall shuts the door, not really wanting to meet this beautiful new stranger in nothing but his boxers and sex hair so bad it should be shaved off. But he has a plan, and it's a brilliant one at that. He assumes this beautiful boy must be moving in next door, to apartment 1J with the other few men that have been moving in the past couple of days, all of whom Kendall has noticed definitely live up to standards, but there's just something about this new boy... something fragile, breakable and scary.

Kendall wants to know him.

And not only does Kendall want to know him, he wants to fuck him. Really badly.

After blaring music throughout the house to wake himself up, dancing around a bit, showering and making himself look the true model he should be Kendall practically skips across to 1J, a six pack of beer in hand a bright smile already in place. He takes a deep breath before knocking on the door, bracing himself for seeing this boy again.

Unfortunately, he is not the one that answers. But Kendall's not really complaining, because the man who does is damn fine. He's tall, muscular and has this honey brown hair that Kendall just wants to run his fingers through, it's funny, in a way, because he sort of reminds Kendall of his best friend and roommate James Diamond. But the second this man opens his mouth he realises he is nothing like James.

"What do you want?" The man practically spits, making Kendall want to recoil into a ball and run right back over to his house and never come out again.

"I just – um – wanted to say welcome to the neighbourhood" Kendall stammers with a smile, unsure why this handsome stranger is giving him such hostility.

"Stetson, Mitchell, get out here" The man yells, and Kendall hears two sets of feet walking down the hall.

His breath almost hitches in his throat when he sees that same boy from outside again, and since then he has changed clothes, so he is now in sweat pants that hang loosely from his defined hips and a white tank that clings to his skin so deliciously that Kendall's mouth is either going to go dry or start watering.

But is he Stetson or Mitchell?

Both are sort of odd first names, he thinks, especially Stetson. Who the hell would name their child Stetson?

"Hi, I'm Elder Stetson" The blonde tall one says with almost zero emotion.

This makes the other boy Mitchell.

Beautiful, perfect, sexy Mitchell.

Kendall can already imagine screaming his name out in bed.

"Elder Mitchell" He smiles softly, the lines around his eyes crinkling and dimples appearing on his cheeks.

They hold each other's eyes for a moment, a battle of green and brown and Kendall can feel himself positively drowning now, ready to submit to this boys every command, every wish, every desire, everything. He wants this boy, needs this boy.

"Ah, so" Kendall says awkwardly, clearing his throat to bring himself down to earth. "I bought you guys a housewarming present"

He holds out the pack of beer with a big smile on his face, a smile he hopes is big enough to win over these three men that seem wound up so tight even James' boyfriend Carlos couldn't make laugh.

And Carlos can make _anyone _laugh.

"Um, thanks" The man named Stetson says, "But we don't drink"

"You... you don't drink?" Kendall asks questioningly, his brain really unable to comprehend that three 20 something, attractive men would not drink alcohol. He thought everyone drunk alcohol?

"No" The Zevon guy says bluntly, "We're Mormon Missionaries"

* * *

"No. Fucking. Way!" James Diamond laughs with disbelief as he continues to fold napkins into the shape of what he thinks looks like a swan, but to Kendall it just looks like a pile of shit.

"Yep, Mormons" Kendall sighs, snatching yet another failed swan off James. "You know this isn't some restaurant in Paris, I'm sure the fine customers would be appreciative of napkins that are just simply rolled and place on their plates"

"Um... swans are so much cooler" James says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Carlos, you agree don't you?"

James looks up at his boyfriend who is behind the bar, rinsing wine glasses and staring off into space. "What James?"

"As waiters, it is our responsibility to present the customers with fine decor, therefore napkins shaped like swans are the most aesthetically pleasing, right?"

Carlos simply rolls his eyes and leans over the counter, capturing James' lips in his and kissing him hard, for almost that length of time that makes Kendall feel uncomfortable. "You're getting gayer and gayer everyday" Carlos smirks against his lips before pulling back and refocusing his attention on the nightly clean up of the restaurant they all work at.

James takes a second to recompose himself, which Kendall finds cute, even after five years of being together Carlos still manages to make James speechless. "Whatever" He mumbles, "And, I've always been gay so your point is irrelevant"

"Oh please, when I met you, you were fucking anything that walked" Carlos snorts, moving out of James' reach so he can't get himself a playful slap.

"It's true" Kendall butts in, "You had girlfriends galore back when we were at school"

"Alright, alright, shut up about me and girlfriends. None of that matters because I am with my soul mate now, and it's going to stay that way"

Even though it's corny, Kendall can see Carlos practically melt from across the counter. "James... you... I love you"

"I love you too" James smiles, grabbing Carlos by the black tie they have to wear with their uniform and pulling him into another kiss.

"So..." Kendall says after a few seconds, "Are you we actually going to finish work so we can leave or..."

"Yeah yeah" James mumbles, smiling at Carlos as they both get back to work. "So, missionaries huh? That's crazy"

"Yeah..." Kendall muses, "It sucks too"

"Why?"

"Because one of them is just so hot I want to gauge my eyes out with a fork and never look at anyone else again"

"Wow, dramatic much? I'm sure you could sleep with him if you wanted. No one can say no to Kendall Knight. You're like, head whore of all man whores"

Kendall reaches over his stool and places a hard punch to James' arm, not even caring if it's too aggressive.

"Ow!" James says loudly, although Kendall knows it wouldn't really hurt him, that boy is built like a house. "What was that for?!"

"For calling me a man whore"

"But... you are a man whore?"

James has to quickly scoot back on his stool so as to not earn himself another punch.

"Fine" he chuckles, "but still, why not just go for it?"

"Because James" Kendall sighs loudly, "Do you have any idea how tightly those boys are wound? I don't think they would even _look _at another man, let alone entertain the idea of doing anything with one"

"So? I still think you should go for it"

"You reckon?"

"Hell yeah, if you want this guy you need to get him"

"No way" Carlos interjects, his cleaning now completely forgotten "I bet there's no way Kendall can hook up with this guy"

"Oh? Is this a bet now?" Kendall smirks.

Both James and Carlos look at each other, eyebrows raised and sharing that look that Kendall knows means trouble.

"I bet" James says loudly, "For 100 bucks, Kendall can seal the deal with this guy"

"Fine" Carlos challenges, squaring up to his boyfriend, "I match that bet AND bussing tables for two whole weeks, that Kendall _can't _seal the deal"

They both grin at each other, reaching across the counter to clasp their hands firmly in agreement before both looking back at Kendall.

"You better not let me down" James glares at Kendall, his mind immediately filled with the thought of him losing and Carlos gloating about it for _days._

"I won't" Kendall grins, looking back down at the napkins in his hands and his mind already spinning on its hinges.

He is _so _ready to win this bet.

* * *

Kendall doesn't make any attempt to start this bet in the few days following, unless you call letting his eyes linger over Mitchell every time he sees him walk past his house in the morning an attempt?

Which you shouldn't.

He figures these things take time; patience is a virtue as they say. Good things come to those who wait.

Kendall needs to figure him out. Needs to figure out really _who _Mitchell is, figure out what makes him tick, figure out what it will take to loosen those tense shoulders and get him to smile without a care in the world. He'll get there soon.

James bitches, and whines and just generally treats the whole thing in excellent James Diamond fashion. He complains that Kendall is taking too long and he wants his money from Carlos. Which Kendall argues is ridiculous, considering the amount of money Carlos would have spent on James over the years is far more than a Ben Franklin in a bet. But James says it's the "principle" of the whole thing. But Kendall fails to see the principle in seducing a little virgin Mormon.

So James decides to take matters into his own hands about two weeks later. They're both going to the gym; something James insists is a bonding activity, which is ridiculous because they live together. But none the less, somehow James manages to drag Kendall's ass out of bed every other morning and make him lift heavy weights that he swears have no affect to his naturally lean body.

It's a Friday morning, 7:00am in the morning to be exact and both Kendall and James instantly spot Mitchell sitting on bench in the middle of the garden conjoining the three J houses. It's not unusual to see him there, Kendall has pretty much gathered by now the Mormons leave early on their bikes to spread the good word to the good people of Los Angeles and Mitchell's partner, whether it be Stetson or Zevon is _always _running late.

Usually they just walk past, don't even look at each other, but this morning James stops.

"Hi there" James smiles, walking up to Mitchell and just inviting himself to sit down.

Typical James.

"H-hi" Mitchell stutters, looking up at James with nerves positively crawling on his features. Kendall doesn't blame him; he understands how intimidating James can be to other people. Not to him, no, it's kind of hard to be intimated by someone you used to play in the sand box with.

"What are you reading?" James asks, looking over the boys shoulder.

"J-just studying" Mitchell smiles feebly, closing the cover to revel the letters scrawled in gold on the brown leather.

_The Bible._

"Cool" James says casually, even though it's probably the farthest thing from cool in James' mind. Bending Carlos over the kitchen counter last night and fucking his brains out, now _that _was cool. "So! What do you actually do during the day?"

"Um, well, we tell people about our church, about the word of the Lord... Sometimes to help people find their way, sometimes to provide inspiration, and sometimes people just like to hear that there's some hope in this world, that people still believe in something"

Kendall stares at Mitchell with his arms crossed over his chest. He won't let this boy, dressed in a shirt, black slacks, black tie and Bible in hand make him feel fuzzy shit in his heart. Especially whilst he's talking about God.

"Well, you know Kendall and I sometimes have trouble finding our way and lack a bit of inspiration in our lives, reckon you could come over and talk to us sometime?"

Kendall has to stop himself from either face palming or walking over and slapping James. What on earth has possessed the man?

"Yeah!" Mitchell says enthusiastically, "If you're interested that'd be great!"

Not that Kendall wants the Bible lovers in his home preaching to him about the word of the good man, but he can't deny the enthusiasm is Mitchell is incredibly cute. The way his eyes light up and the smile brings out the dimples in his cheeks, Kendall just wants to go and kiss his face. Everywhere on his face. Every inch.

"It would be great, wouldn't it Kendall?" James asks, looking over at the awkwardly standing Kendall who was lost in thought of what it would be like to trail a line of kisses all along Mitchell's jaw.

"Yeah" Kendall mutters, "Super great"

"Awesome!" Mitchell smiles, jumping up from his seat, "When do you want us to come round?"

"Well if you're not busy now Kendall and I would _love _to hear about it. It sounds much better than the gym"

Actually, James, no. For once, it doesn't sound better than the gym.

"Cool! I'll go get Elder Stetson!"

He practically runs off into apartment 1J, a skip in his step and a smile on his face. Kendall however has to stop from practically running to James and slapping his across the face.

"What the hell?" He hisses, grabbing James by his elbow and pulling them back to their apartment.

"Dude, I have a lot of money riding on you and I need to see more action!"

"You're such a dick, you know that right?"

"Duh"

Xx

An hour later, or maybe it was two, or it could have been fucking a whole day for all Kendall knew, Mitchell closes his Bible; a huge smile on his face and looking like he has just presented his 8th grade science project to the class.

"So, any questions?" He asks happily, looking back and forth between Kendall and James.

James jumps straight in there, like he almost has this whole thing rehearsed. "Yes, what is your Church's opinion on African-Americans? And people of Hispanic ethnicity?"

Trust James, always thinking about Carlos.

"Well, African-Americans, and really all people of colour, have been able to hold the priest hood since 1978 and our active members of our church"

"What about gay rights?" Kendall cuts in abruptly, causing Stetson to scowl instantly.

"The words gay and right don't go in the same sentence" He practically spits out, trying to look at anything but Kendall and James.

"Oh? But right and right wing do?"

"Look!" Stetson says angrily, glaring at Kendall. "God hates homos; it's as simple as that"

"Are you really going to come into _my _house and tell me that God hate's homos?" Kendall retorts, leaning forward in his chair to glare at Stetson.

"Yeah, I am" He challenges, leaning forward too until they are almost inches apart.

The tension is so thick, it layers the air in the room like a cloud, almost suffocating Kendall. Well that's until a voice pops in.

"And the French!"

Both Stetson and Kendall turn to glare at Logan, who has now leaned forward to join their little head battle, with an awkward, dopey grin on his face.

"Huh?" Stetson mutters, raising his eyebrow in confusion.

"Everybody hates the French" He chuckles, trying ever so hard to diffuse the tension.

Kendall and Stetson don't say a word, but James can't help but laugh. "Good one Mitchell!"

* * *

A few days after the awkward Mormon house call Kendall finds himself looking out the window wistfully. Not in a creepy way, not in a stalker way, in fact he had no intentions of even hoping to catch a glimpse of Mitchell, but it is a stroke of luck when he sees the boy walking to the laundry facilities the three houses of J share. Kendall figures this is perfect time to lay some ground work; get Mitchell alone.

He throws together some of his own washing, which is mostly stuff that's already clean from the load he did just the other day, but he doesn't care. All in the pursuit of sex right?

"Hi!" Kendall smiles happily as he opens the door to the laundry, only to find Mitchell almost lying across the washing machines and on the preposes of sleep.

"Mm what?" He stirs, lifting up from his awkward half standing half lying position to look at Kendall.

"Wow dude are you ok?" Kendall asks, dumping his washing down onto the nearest chair and walking over to Mitchell.

"Yeah, just a bit home sick, can't sleep very well" He mumbles, stifling a yawn and beginning to chuck his washing into the machine.

"Aw I'm sorry, that sucks" Kendall says, aching to reach out and place a hand on his shoulder.

"Mm it's ok" Mitchell shrugs.

"Can you like, call them or something?"

"No" Logan chuckles softly, "We're not allowed to call, or write or see our families for two years"

"Shit" Kendall mouths, "Where do I sign up?"

"Don't mock" Logan replies, rolling his eyes but also a small smile playing on his lips. "But it is hard. I just miss my Mum, so much. They do say a boy's mother is his best friend"

Kendall's pretty sure that the say is a _gay _boy's mother is his best friend, but he will let that slide for now. "Yeah that must be tough. I miss my Mum too, but you know... I can call her. Where are you from?"

"Texas"

"Cool" Kendall smiles, "I've never been to Texas"

"You'd love it" Mitchell smiles in return, "Well, I love it anyway. The other guys like to think where they're from is better"

"Speaking of the other guys" Kendall muses, taking a subtle step closer to Mitchell, "Did you all like come here together or something?"

"No. We just get assigned places and partners; I had no say in having Elder Stetson as a partner or coming to L.A"

"Hmm... So, I have a question. Why do you all call each other Elder? Is that a name? Cause it's weird you all have the same first name... Or is Mitchell your name?"

"No!" Mitchell laughs, like it's one of the funniest things he's ever heard. "No, Elder is what we call each other in the church, Mitchell is my last name"

"Oh!" Kendall says slowly, as if he's just figured out the world's hardest math puzzle, "What's your real name then?"

"Ah..." Mitchell says awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. "We're not allowed to use our real names"

"Really?" Kendall says, almost shocked and stepping in even closer. "How come?"

"It's just... how it is. There are a lot of things we're not allowed to do" Mitchell shrugs.

"Tell me" Kendall grins, voice almost a whisper, "What's your name?"

"Uh..." Mitchell looks around him, just in case somehow one of the other boys was to have suddenly come into the laundry room. When he realises it's safe, and those shinning emerald eyes are practically his kryptonite with their silent begging, he takes a deep breath, "It's Logan. My name is Logan"

"Logan" Kendall says softly, letting the letters roll off his tongue, "Logan... I like that"

They both smile at each other for a minute, or maybe two, and it's like they've been caught in the cross fire. So frozen, so unable to comprehend anything but each other in this moment, and if they move they'll be shot and this perfect moment will be over.

"Um – mm – anyway" Logan coughs, averting his gaze and putting his attention back on his washing. "You're Kendall right?"

"Yes, Kendall Knight would be the name" Kendall grins, tilting his head to study Logan's profile. That chiseled jaw, that small button nose, those long eyelashes... this boy is going to drive Kendall insane, and he knows it.

"Nice name" Logan smiles.

"I'm a nice person..." Kendall says almost seductively, inching so close to Logan they are almost touching.

"Are you now?" Logan grins in response, causing Kendall's heart to stop.

Could it be this easy? Could he really get all he wants so quickly?

"Yep" Kendall smirks, popping his P. "Although... sometimes, I can be not so nice..."

Kendall reaches out a hand to touch, a feather light touch on the short boys arm, letting his finger tips trail up the smooth, hard, pale skin; skin that shudders beneath his contact. And with that, Logan snaps, moving away from Kendall so fast the blonde boy doesn't even have a chance to blink.

He moves so fast it's like it didn't even happen, and now Kendall's hand is just hanging in mid air, touching nothing but the cool breeze that passes over his skin like fire.

"Ah well, I better go" Logan stumbles, collecting up his belongs and setting the timer on the washing machine.

"O-ok?"

"See you later, Kendall" He mutters, not sparing the blonde another glance as he slips out of the room, leaving said blonde standing there; burned.

"Bye, Logan" He whispers to no one, watching the space Logan just stood and now feeling more alone than he has ever felt in his whole life.

He _needs _to know this boy.

* * *

**So... what do we think? :)**


	2. Catch My Breath

**A/N: Hi :) Thanks for sticking round, it swells my heart up with joy :) As do your reviews and alerts and favourites. You're all so awesome. **

**What can I even say about this?**

**I don't know. I wanted to write it because I am horribly depressed about my other story Let Me Love You right now so I thought if I wrote some Kogan it would cheer me up. It does. **

**So a guy I work with, who's name is James... and also last name starts with D... so James Diamond what? Anyway, no joke he is a devout mormon and is next year moving to America (I live in Australia) to become a Mormon missionary for two years. Crazy, I know. So today at work I was asking him a crap tonne of questions, you know... subtly... and it's actually helped me a lot. I love him and he's great and super nice but we have got in many a deep and heated religious debate. I just don't agree with anything he says... But I won't get in to that. Don't want to offend anyone with my religious views... **

**Right, so, this story. Let's get on with it shall we? **

**Ooh one more thing. When picturing the boys as these characters, I see Kendall as being like Kendall Schmidt is these days. His sexy pushed back messy hair (none of the season 1 bowl cut nonsense), his hipster glasses, his cut loose tank tops... you feel me? **

**Logan?... Not like Henderson, but not completely like season 1 Mitchell... Because keep in mind their supposed to be in their 20's. Maybe season 3 Logan Mitchell...**

**I rant a lot... I also don't edit a lot so ignore ugly typos and grammatical errors. **

**Love you! :)**

* * *

**Chapter 2 - Catch My Breath.**

"No! No way!" Kendall hears an angry voice yell at him from behind, causing him to turn and see a fuming Stetson walking towards him and a timid Logan following right behind.

Kendall rolls his eyes and doesn't choose to respond, instead throwing the basketball back over to James.

"No!" Stetson says again, now giving Kendall a shove in the back.

"What the fuck is your problem?" The blonde growls, turning to glare at Stetson and trying to use his height as a form of what he hopes is intimidation.

"I get one afternoon where I can just be normal and come and play some hoop, and you... _fairies _have to come and ruin it" He spits, emphasising the word fairies like it's a horrible disease.

"Well, this is a public basketball court, open to the public, and can be used by anyone from the public... even fairies" Kendall retaliates.

"Whatever, just get out of here" Stetson scowls, thrusting the ball over at Mitchell who catches it at the very last second and almost looking as if he has the wind knocked out of him.

"I have an idea" James interrupts, "Why don't we play doubles? You two against us?"

"Ha" Stetsons scoffs, "No thanks"

"What? You scared you're gonna lose to a pair of fairies?" James smirks, causing Stetson to blanch and stutter on his words.

"N-no! Let's do this!"

"Awesome. You guys be skins, we'll be shirts"

"Ahh no" Logan chuckles nervously, pulling down on the hem of his white, v-neck t-shirt.

Which is a damn shame, Kendall thinks. He'd love to see that little hard body run on the court.

"Fine, we'll be skins" James grins, looking over at Kendall as they both pull their t-shirts over their heads at the same time.

Kendall can't help but smirk as he watches Logan's eyes practically rake up and down his body, burning holes into every inch of his skin. "See something you like Log- Elder Mitchell?"

"L-let's just play" He mutters, averting his gaze and running away from the small group, clearly flustered.

Kendall grins, feeling a small satisfaction that not only was Logan totally checking him out, he was checking him out over James. And that _never _happens. Kendall isn't ugly, no far from it, and the gym definitely pays out on his body, but James... James is just... James. All muscle, all tan, all smile, and all perfection.

Kind of sucks when it's your best friend, but in saying that Kendall wouldn't change him for the world.

Kendall and James destroy Stetson and Logan, not that they don't put up a fair fight, but Kendall and James are God's when it comes to basketball; actually they are God's when it comes to any form of sport. Maybe all that pestering James did to Kendall in high school about playing team sports paid off?

Kendall is in charge of defending Logan, which he is totally cool with. At one stage Logan virtually threw his arms around Kendall's middle from behind in an attempt to get the ball and Kendall, being the dumb fuck he is, got all flustered at the contact and lost concentration, causing Logan to score and hi-five like an idiot with Stetson. This in turn earned a slap over the head from James.

Kendall get's his revenge though. He's defending Logan, on his spot and on it hard. Logan is trying to get around Kendall, waiting for an opportunity when the blonde loses focus – but it's not happening. Kendall is pressed up into Logan's back, his naked, hard, sweaty chest grinding into the thin, sweat drenched t-shirt; he can practically feel Logan's skin shivering beneath his.

"You're really good at basketball" Logan breathes, dribbling the ball just out of Kendall's reach. "Bit of a jock in high school?"

"Yeah" Kendall breathes harshly, leaning in so close his breath is hovering just over the shell of Logan's ear, and he lowers his voice so that no one can hear, so that this moment is only for the two of them and whispers, "But only when I found out that the jocks were doing it with other jocks"

If Logan had any concentration or self composure it has now crumbled to the floor, leaving him standing there completely shocked and bewildered. It's just how Kendall wanted it, the ball falling from Logan's finger tips like water and not even having a chance to hit the ground before Kendall scoops it up; then it turn slamming it through the hoop with more force than is probably necessary.

Kendall and James fist bump, cheering loudly and prancing around the court like pricks has if to say "Ooh look at the fairies now!" – And it has its desired effect on Stetson, the dude looks _pissed. _Logan on the other hand may as well be on a completely different planet as he just stands and stares off into space, completely flustered and completely taken aback.

Kendall has at least started step one:

Get the clogs churning in that boys pretty head.

* * *

That night as Logan lies awake in bed and listens to the loud snores of Stetson through the thin walls, he can't get his mind to stop spinning.

He misses home. He misses his Mum. He misses his sister. He misses the hot, humid Texan sun. He misses the people. He misses going to the church he'd gone to since he can remember just down the road from his home. He misses Father John. He misses hiding in the large paddocks on the ranch when he was a small child. And he misses being able to be free.

He uses the word _free _lightly.

But this is not the only reason his mind is spinning. He can't get a certain blonde boy out of his head, and he doesn't know why. He can't get that dimpled smile or that soft, messy blonde hair, or those crazy eyebrows or those V lines of his hip bones out of his head and it's going to be the death of him. And the worst part is; he shouldn't feel this way, and maybe worse still; he shouldn't _want _to feel this way.

His drawn from his thoughts when he hears laughing and talking coming from outside. Curiosity getting the better of him he gets out of bed and walks to the window, making a small gap in the blinds and looking out onto the front yard, which also happens to look straight at Kendall and James' front door.

He see's Kendall, or well at least he thinks he see's Kendall, it's hard to tell with the two bodies so tangled up in one another it's difficult to associate limb from limb. Strong hands are grabbing and grasping everywhere, and tongues are engaged in a heated battle. Logan hears Kendall's signature laugh as he tries to open the door, failing miserably as the two men stumble around and practically fall through the now clear doorway. Almost as soon as they're there, their gone, falling into the blackness of the house and the heavy door slamming shut. Even after they've disappeared Logan continues to stand for a moment, simply staring at the shut door and feeling something he has never felt before surge through his veins.

But he pushes that thought and those feelings away; he won't even allow himself to utter the word in his mind. He won't allow this to happen to him.

* * *

The week's past much the same for Logan when it comes to Kendall. He sees him sometimes in the morning, and they wave courteously at each other, or Logan will sometimes pluck up the courage to go over and talk to him but always decides against it. He see's James and Kendall throw a few parties, drunk people falling out of the house and making noise into all hours of the morning; but Logan doesn't mind. Sometimes he watches them. Sometimes he will watch two men he doesn't even know make out on the front porch of 2J until he realises what he's doing and kneels at the foot of his bed and prays until the sun comes up.

So when he sits outside on a bright Tuesday afternoon he doesn't expect his routine to be any different.

He hears someone coming up the path, only lifting his head from his Bible for a fraction of a second to see blonde hair and purple plaid to know its Kendall.

"Hi!" Kendall yells brightly, causing Logan to look up once more and smile in recognition.

And then, before Logan even has a chance to blink, Kendall is falling. His keys, wallet, phone, falling with him and splattering across the concrete.

Logan runs to him in a heartbeat, throwing his Bible to the ground and falling to Kendall's side.

"Are you ok!?" He asks frantically, taking a hold of Kendall's hand and watching the boy wince in pain.

"Fuuuck" Kendall groans, "Stupid fucking stairs, all their fault, naughty stairs"

Despite himself Logan can't help but chuckle, smiling down at this man who now looks no more than a boy. Hurt, scared and lost.

"Can you walk?" Logan asks, helping Kendall sit up and placing a hand on the small of his strong back.

"Mm yeah I think so" Kendall groans, leaning on Logan for support as he stands up.

Logan starts to really worry when Kendall begins to sway back and forth, and he has to practically catch him before he falls over again. They walk into the house slowly, Logan picking up the keys as they go to open the front door. He calls out to James but Kendall quickly tells him that he is not home, but all Logan needs to do is take him to his bed and he will be fine.

"I hope you don't have concussion" Logan frowns as Kendall collapses backwards onto his large, King sized bed, eyes closed and incessant groans escaping his lips.

"Nah nah I'll be fine" Kendall moans, "But it's so fucking hot"

Kendall quickly pulls his shirt over his head before lying back down again, throwing his arms above him on the bed and stretching out. Logan shifts awkwardly from one foot to another, suddenly uncomfortable with seeing Kendall shirtless, on his bed, in his house, all alone.

"Um, I-I'll get you a wash cloth to help you cool down" He stutters, almost running to the bathroom and seeking out a small hand towel that he makes wet in the sink.

When Logan comes back he has to stop himself from practically choking, or passing out or, or maybe both as Kendall has now taken off his jeans and is lying in nothing but navy blue boxers. His first instinct is to run, to get out of here and never look back, pick up his Bible and forget Kendall and every evil that he stands for. But instead, he acts on his second instinct.

He sits down on the corner of the bed, inching himself so close to Kendall their bodies are almost touching. He reaches his hand out tentatively, placing the cool cloth on Kendall's forehead. His breath hitches when a small sigh escapes Kendall's lips, said lips parting and white teeth snagging. Logan feels himself being drawn in closer and closer, like a gravitational pull that is so strong he can't even fight it anymore. Kendall opens his eyes, letting his shinning emerald bore into Logan's chocolate brown and holds his gaze intently, not even blinking as he takes Logan's hand in his that holds the cloth.

It's slow, almost painfully so, as Kendall let's their hands slide down the side of his face, and down his neck, and then his torso, slower and slower and further and further, both their breaths now deep and heavy and they are the only sounds that fill this piercingly quiet room.

Logan's eyes flutter shut and his breath gets caught in his throat as his hand finds the bulge in Kendall's boxer briefs. He doesn't move, doesn't think as Kendall reaches out his free hand to grasp Logan by the back of the neck and force him to stare into his eyes once again.

Kendall inches his head up, whilst at the same time pulls Logan closer. They are so close now, so close that Kendall can feel Logan's sweet breath on his lips, and he knows that in one more second their lips will be joined and everything Logan has worked towards his whole life will come tearing apart at the seams.

And that's when it clicks.

Logan collapses his head into the crook Kendall's neck, letting his chest rise and fall against Kendall's and trying his hardest not to break down.

"I didn't do anything" He whispers mostly to himself, "I haven't done anything wrong"

"It's ok" Kendall whispers, running a hand down his back, "This doesn't have to mean anything"

Logan lefts his head, and the look in his eyes has a gasp escaping from Kendall's lips in shock. Before there was fear, nervousness and that tinge of undeniable lust, but now? Now the boy almost looks... offended, disgusted... hateful. Kendall doesn't think hate suits Logan, at all.

"Yes it does..." He whispers.

"It can just be a little fun between friends?" Kendall grins, not letting his mood falter.

"My first time could just be a little fun for you?" Logan asks in disbelief, sitting up out of Kendall's personal space. "Maybe you can just equate sex with a handshake... and that's what? Some kind of badge? You want me to congratulate you?"

"Hey, don't preach to me" Kendall says angrily, sitting up and leaning back on his elbows. "You're going to come into my house and fucking judge me? Who are you? Just some kid from Texas"

"Yeah who am I? Just some freak from Wimberley! They ship us all out here from dork island!"

"What?" Kendall almost laughs, unable to believe what he is hearing as Logan stands up from the bed and begins to pace.

"I'm just saying I know how retarded you think I am ok!" Logan almost yells, his voice now high and strained and about to break. "And now I'm humiliated so, your work is done here!"

Logan turns and bangs his head in frustration against the bedroom door, closing his eyes tight shut and feeling like the biggest idiot in the whole world. How could he do this? How could he let himself get so close to Kendall? How could he be so quick to jeopardize his whole life?

"Hey" A voice whispers from behind him, making him flinch and recoil as Kendall places his hands gently on Logan's shoulders. "I don't think you're a retard ok?"

"Yes you do" Logan groans, not turning to face Kendall, instead hoping that somehow the ground can just magically swallow him whole. No, not hoping; praying.

"No, I don't. But... if you know how ridiculous you look then why do you do it?"

"Ugh!" Logan sighs angrily, spinning around quickly and causing Kendall to take a step back and place a hand to his head, he might pass out from concussion at any second. "Don't you believe in anything?!"

"Of course I do!" Kendall says in his defence, unable to comprehend how unreasonable Logan is being.

"Then tell me! Tell me one thing you believe in without a shadow of a doubt, something that drives you further and makes you get up in the morning!"

"Uh..." Kendall ponders for a second, "Oh! I believe that NSYNC were not given the recognition they truly deserved in their time"

"Well duh!" Logan actually smiles a bit for a second, before shaking his head in frustration and remembering what the point of this conversation was in the first place. "But is that something to build a life upon Kendall? You know, you're so bright and sparkly and pretty on the outside but on the inside you're nothing but... fluff. Meaningless fluff"

"That's not fair..." Kendall says slowly, feeling his facade drop and heart beginning to hurt under Logan's penetrating glare.

"It doesn't have to be fair because it's true. I can't believe what I was about to do with you, when there is nothing about you Kendall, _nothing _that is more than skin deep"

Logan turns to leave, Kendall feeling like someone has just driven a shard of glass right through to his heart and he can't leave things like this with Logan. He can't.

He reaches out a hand quickly and grabs Logan by the wrist before he can leave the room, making him turn and pulling him in so hard the shorter boy can't help but fall into Kendall's arms. Logan looks up at Kendall, wanting to be angry and mad and hurt and all those things that he knows will get through to Kendall, but as each short second paces the more Logan feels that starting to crumble. As those green eyes pierce into his own he realises there is more to Kendall than what he thought or what he said, he knows there is, but the blonde chooses to hide it. Why?

"What do you want from me Kendall?" Logan whispers, feeling that draw again. That need. That gravitational pull.

"I want you to be honest. Stop trying to deny yourself what you really want"

"And what would you know about what I really want Kendall? You don't know anything about me. You know my name is Logan Mitchell, from Wimberley, Texas... You know I'm a religious freak and you know I'm shit at basketball. What more is there? Tell me one more thing"

"I know you're afraid... But you don't need to be" Kendall says softly, letting his hand that is not still clutching at Logan's wrist, card through Logan's soft, brunette hair.

"And that just proves my point. Do you have _any _idea what it would be like for me Kendall if anything were to happen between us? It wouldn't just be a slap on the wrist and a few more hours of praying to cleanse my soul. No. I would be sent back to Texas, I would be excommunicated, stripped of my priesthood, member hood on the church... But it's not just that. My family... I would be completely disowned. I would become _dead _to my parents Kendall, do you have any idea what that would feel like? I would be ashamed, dishonoured... not to mention I would lose the faith and love of God, and I couldn't handle that, not at all. It might be ok for people like you to do whatever they want, but not me. This is my life Kendall; could you really ask me to give up my life?"

"What God do you believe in Logan? One that would look down on you in shame for doing something that would make you happy? I thought God was supposed to love you for who you are"

"You're so ignorant, you know that right?" Logan says angrily, trying to fight Kendall's tight hold on his wrist but failing miserably.

"No. I'm not. You're the one who is trapped in this little box because you've never known any different"

"But this is what I want! You make it seem like I hate what I am doing with my life, you make it seem like I resent God"

"But Logan, I know you want me. I can see it in your eyes..."

"Kendall do you know the story of Adam and Eve?"

"There was something about The Garden of Eden and an apple and that's about it"

"You literally have no idea how much you're offending me right now" Logan almost growls before he shakes his head and continues, "But yes, in the Garden. Adam and Eve were created in God's image, _we _are created in God's image, he told them they could have everything they wanted, and they could eat from any tree they pleased, except one. But the Serpent came to Eve, told her that she could have power, greatness, everything she ever desired, if she gave into temptation. And what happened? Once she and Adam took a bite of that apple the world changed, death descended upon them and everything they once knew simply became a memory of a memory. And that's what you are Kendall, you are the Serpent. Tempting me to eat that apple, but if I do; I will surely die"

"That story is so fucked up" Kendall groans angrily, "Like; I don't even know where to begin. Firstly, if we are created in God's image and man is meant to lie with woman, they why did he make me gay?"

"God didn't make you gay Kendall, being gay is a choice, and God is not willing to forgive such choices"

"Don't you fucking dare, don't try and feed me that bullshit that I can tell you don't even believe yourself"

"And don't you dare tell me what I do and don't believe"

"I respect you for having your beliefs Logan but I don't have to agree with them" Kendall says flatly, "but, back to Adam and Eve. Don't you think, in some ways, the Serpent is right? What's life without a little risk? What is life without giving in to temptation? Temptation is what makes us who we are and shapes our lives. What if you're on a diet, and you see a cake in a shop window? What if you give in to temptation and go inside, and the person who serves you at the counter is your soul mate?"

"You're not making any sense Kendall"

"Yes I am. I think that everything in life happens for a reason and we need temptation. And yeah sure sometimes it can be bad, but not always. And I certainly don't think it ensures death and no hope. In this story I don't think I'm the Serpent, I think I'm the apple. Juicy, sweet and ever so tempting. You know you want to take a bite Logan; you know you want to take that risk"

Kendall inches in closer, closing that gap between them until their bodies are pressed together and Kendall can feel Logan's heart beat on his chest. Logan bites his bottom lip, and the act is not meant to be sexual, but it does things to Kendall he can't even begin to describe. He wants Logan, he wants Logan so badly.

"I can't do this" Logan whispers, closing his eyes and pressing their foreheads together. "I can't let you compromise my whole life"

"Logan, if you never open your eyes to what's been there all along, you're going to be blind. You're going to spend your life miserable and disappointed because you're always going to wonder what you could have had"

"I can't lose God Kendall, I can't lose my family"

"I know Logan. But I don't want you missing out on life"

Logan laughs softly, his sweet breath hitting Kendall's lips. "You make it seem like I don't want this life"

"I know you don't"

"Well you're stupid'

"Well you're rude" Kendall smiles, "But Logan please; just let me... let me show you some of this world. I'm not asking you to do anything with me, but at least let me take you out? I want to know you"

"Kendall, even if you were straight and had no ulterior motives, I couldn't. I don't think you understand what being a missionary really involves. We're not allowed to do _anything"_

"Logan... please"

Logan takes a moment to think about it, even though he knows what he wants. "Tomorrow night. Friday night's are one of the only days we don't go to evening mass at our church as a group. I will say I'm going alone, but we'll... we'll go wherever you want ok?"

"Really?" Kendall whispers excitedly.

"Yes. But this is not a... not a date, or a chance for you to have your way with me... this will be two friends, spending a night out"

"Just two friends, spending a night out" Kendall repeats, a grin playing on his lips and even a hint of one on Logan's too.

* * *

"Oh my god, you're so bad" James laughs as he lies on Kendall's bed and watches him try on almost everything in his wardrobe.

"No I'm not. Does this shirt look ok?"

James takes a moment to asses Kendall's tight tank top, sweater, jeans thing he has going on because simply up turning his nose and Kendall's instantly rips off the outfit.

"Yes you are. But I love it because it means you're going to win the bet. Clearly he wants you and he is clearly gay so just take him clubbing somewhere, get him grinding on the dance floor and you'll be right in no time"

"I don't know..." Kendall sighs, riffling through his drawer for a decent outfit. "You actually don't understand how seriously he takes this religion shit. He bitched me out so hard yesterday for it. Like, you know how people are religious? And they believe in God and all that stuff?"

"That is essentially what the definition of religion is, yes?"

"But they still drink, have sex, and have fun basically. But that doesn't make them bad Christians or Catholics or whatever because they're just happy to believe in something and feel like there's someone there to always turn to in God?"

"... I guess?"

"Well yeah Logan isn't like that. None of those Mormons are. He honestly thinks that if he even touches me he is going to burst into flames and descend straight into hell"

"Well, that's fucked up"

"I know it is"

"You better still win that bet though"

"Yeah yeah I'll win your bet. He'll want a bite of that apple soon enough"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Alright, this looks cool right?"

James instantly smiles in approval at Kendall's loose fitting tank which has some sort of writing on it and is one of those things you actually have no idea what it says or what it means but it makes you look like a hipster so you buy it anyway, and a light grey plaid shirt that hangs loosely on his shoulders and rolled up to his elbows. He's opted for jeans and Vans, already knowing where he is going to take Logan and doesn't feel like dressing up too much is really required.

"You look hot dude. Like the perfect hipster. All you need now are some round, John Lennon type glasses and maybe a snapback"

"Shut up" Kendall chuckles, pouncing on James on the bed and trying to beat the shit out of him. Play fighting though, of course... Kendall could never really beat the shit out of James, because if James wanted to he could have Kendall's skull crushed in two seconds flat.

James freezes from his current position of pining Kendall down and poking him in the chest when the door bell rings. Kendall shoves James off him quickly and sprints to the front door, a large smile painting his face when he opens up and see's Logan standing there. Logan looks so nervous it's almost cute.

"Hey!" Kendall smiles brightly, feeling the urge to wrap Logan up in his arms and kiss him until he passes out.

"H-hi" Logan stutters, "You look good"

"As do you" Kendall grins, taking a moment to look Logan up and down.

He's dressed simple, like Kendall, choosing light blue faded jeans and a plan black t-shirt. The t-shirt though is already starting to do things to Kendall, the way it hugs at his muscular body in just all the right places, the neck line low enough so Kendall can see Logan's collarbones and some of his chest...

This is going to be a long night.

"Um, can we um, go now? I'm worried one of the other guys will decide to look out the window or something"

"Sure" Kendall says, grabbing his keys, wallet and phone and shoving them into his back pockets. "Bye James!" he yells before slamming the door behind him.

As they walk down the small path that connects them to the street Kendall decides to test the waters. He reaches out a hand, grabbing Logan's in the dark and entwining their fingers. Kendall feels a spark course through his veins, and is about to break out in a jump for joy, but Logan rips his hand away without a word, shoving both hands deep inside his pockets and walking ahead a tiny bit with his head down.

This is going to be a _really _long night.


	3. Steady My Breathing, Silently Screaming

**A/N: You know the more I think about the lyrics to Edge Of Desire the more I realise that Kendall and Logan have successfully ruined my life. I mean, why did they have to cover that song? "_I want you so bad I'll go back on all the things I believe" _PLS. **

**Ugh. Anyway.**

**Here we are! I am now completely ready to throw myself into this as... well... Let Me Love You is over... *holds back a river of tears* - I don't think I'm ever going to get over it. **

**So this chapter is sort of shortish... and I wanted it to go for longer but sometimes i'll just write a line and be like "Done. This is where the chapter needs to finish" and there's no arguing with my mind. **

**I feel like this is going kind of slow but it will speed up I promise.**

**So, read now :)**

**I don't own NSYNC, The Spice Girls, Kesha or Johnnie Walker Scotch. **

**And Virgin Mary cocktails are gross.**

* * *

**Chapter 4 - Steady My Breathing, Silently Screaming.**

Logan is beyond uncomfortable. He's reached the point where he can't even hide how awkward and out of place he is feeling. This place is loud, hot, dark, with sweaty bodies grinding into one another so tightly he wonders how these people even have a chance to breathe. This is not him, nothing about this is him, he wants to go home, he wants to curl up under his comforter and breathe his own personal space.

But Kendall isn't going to let that happen.

Why had he agreed to come? Why could Kendall flash one look of green eyes and pouted lips and Logan would become putty in his hands?

"Ugh, I hate this song" Kendall groans, snapping Logan out of his thoughts.

"Oh, I don't know it" Logan says in a small voice.

"Are you kidding?" Kendall asks in disbelief, a small smirk playing on his lips, "This is like Kesha's biggest hit?"

"Who?"

"Unbelievable" Kendall chuckles, turning towards the bar to get the attention of a waitress.

"Hi" He smiles at the woman standing behind the bar, who is all blonde hair, large cleavage and orange skin.

"Hi Kendall" She flashes a flirty smile back at, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "What can I get you?"

Logan tries not to dwell too much on the fact she knows his name and he might not be an expert of what it's like to watch someone flirt but this girl is definitely flirting. Bad luck for her that Kendall is his.

Wait.

What?

"I'll have a Johnnie Walker Blue, straight please, my dear" Kendall grins.

"Sure. Anything for your cute friend?"

Logan was almost too focused on tearing down all this woman's flaws in his mind that he didn't even know the question was directed at him. He's Kendall's "cute" friend... great.

"No thank you" Logan practically yells over the music, moving to turn away from the bar but Kendall places a gentle hand on the small of his back to keep him still.

And Logan is going to ignore the electrical current coursing through his veins and over his skin at such a simple contact.

"He will have a... a Virgin Mary" Kendall smirks, giving the blonde waitress a flash of pearly white teeth before she starts to make their drinks.

Kendall turns his attention back to Logan and is greeted with the short brunette staring at him in an expression that should come with the caption: _We are not amused._

"What?" Kendall laughs, keeping his hand on Logan's back and pulling him in closer.

"A Virgin Mary? Really?"

"Oh come on its funny! And it's not alcoholic, so really I'm being a good boy"'

"No, you're really not"

Kendall steps in closer, tilting his head down until his breath is ghosting over Logan's lips and whispers ever so seductively, "Do you want me to be your bad boy? Have I been naughty?"

Logan can't breathe; Kendall is now so up in his personal space that any coherent thought is now irrelevant. Not to mention Kendall's words are causing shivers to run down his spine and leave him rooted to where he stands. Logan knows it would be so easy to just move his lips two inches forward, but he just... he can't.

"No" Logan whispers, placing two hands on Kendall's chest and pushing him back slightly. "You promised me this would just be two friends going out and having fun, you're pushing your luck"

"Aww, don't be like that" Kendall pouts, releasing the power of his big green eyes and running his finger tips up and down Logan's side.

"No" Logan says again, this time a little more forcibly and Kendall doesn't argue when he moves away and creates space between them.

"Fine" Kendall sighs, turning back to the bar and getting their two drinks. "Let's go sit down"

Logan follows Kendall's lead as they weave their way through the sweaty bodies and the loud people, he's almost tempted to place a hand on Kendall's waist so he doesn't get separated, but he's thinking that he would now rather just disappear and run on home.

At the back of the bar there is a section of small, intimate booths, Logan's pretty sure they are all full seeing as the place is absolutely packed but apparently Kendall doesn't worry about such things as other people. They walk along to the end of the small row and stand in front of one that is empty apart from a couple who seem to be... well their tongues aren't engaged in heated battle yet but they're close.

Kendall clears his throat, getting the attention of the couple and snaps, "move"

"Excuse me?" The redheaded girl retorts, "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Kendall raises his eyebrows, placing the drinks down and resting two hands down on the table, leaning in closer to the two strangers. "I'm Kendall Knight. Get out"

The look on Kendall's face is fierce, strong, powerful and in all honesty, a little scary. To be fair Logan doesn't really know Kendall at all but he's never seen him like this before. Logan expects the couple to keep arguing, but the minute Kendall speaks his name they're up, keeping their heads down and walking off quickly before Kendall can say another word to them.

"Much better" Kendall grins, sliding into the booth and patting the spot next to him to motion Logan to join.

Logan slides in silently, trying to work this whole thing out in his brain.

"So, what do you –"

"What was that?" Logan interrupts, turning to look at Kendall questioningly.

"What was what?" Kendall replies innocently, taking a sip of his drink.

"You know what! You were so rude to those people! And they instantly left once you told them your name. Are you like famous or something?"

Kendall throws his head back in laughter, and Logan is trying to be pissed right now and not focus on how beautiful Kendall's laugh is.

"No" Kendall chuckles, his eyes softening and looking at Logan fondly, "I'm not famous"

"Then how did they –"

"My Dad owns this place"

Logan's mouth drops open slightly and he stares at Kendall in disbelief. "_Really? _This place?"

"Yep" Kendall smiles, "The _K&K_ stands for Kent Knight. So I guess technically one day I could own it and keep the same name"

"Is the letter K special in your family or something?"

Kendall shrugs, "I guess. My Dad is Kent, I have a younger sister called Katie but my Mum's name is Jennifer so that doesn't really fit"

Logan chuckles slightly, "I see. But wait, we're not going to see your Dad are we?"

Logan quickly whips his head around to look out at some of the bar, not that he really knows what he is looking for.

"No. He's not even in the state at the moment. Calm down"

Logan's attention is drawn instantly back as Kendall places a light hand on top of his on the table. Logan tries to move his hand but Kendall holds on tighter, and Logan is really losing his willpower to try and fight.

"You were still rude to those people though" Logan mutters, using his free hand to twirl his straw around in his untouched drink.

"Yeah I guess" Kendall says indifferently, Logan can tell he doesn't care. "So, back to before. You don't know Kesha?"

"Ah... so?"

"Um, everyone knows Kesha"

"Not me obviously"

"You don't have FM in Texas?" Kendall smirks.

Logan rolls his eyes, "look, if you're going to make fun of me I think I'll just go home" He makes an attempt to stand up but Kendall holds his hand tightly and forces him to sit back down.

"No, I'm sorry. I won't be rude" He smiles sweetly, and damn it, Logan is really falling for his stupid face and charm. "You don't like mainstream sort of music?"

"It's not really that" Logan says slowly, his forehead crinkling, "It's more a fact of not being allowed..."

"Wow, really?"

"Yeah. I mean back home it was a bit better, but it's not like I really ever had a chance to listen to the radio in secret..."

"You totally did, I bet"

"Sometimes..." Logan smiles, looking down at their joined hands, "but more when I was younger. I mean how else was I supposed to listen to NSYNC? Oh and don't even get me started on The Spice Girls. My Mum caught me doing the dance routine to '_stop right now! Thank you very much; I need somebody with a human touuucchhh""_

Logan laughs to himself for a second before he realises what he actually just did, he just sung a rendition of the Spice Girls... in front of probably the coolest person he's ever met.

If the ground could just swallow Logan up whole right now that'd be great.

"Wow. Forget I did that" Logan mutters, feeling his cheeks burn scarlet as Kendall starts to laugh.

"Oh my god!" Kendall laughs uncontrollably, "That was the best thing I've ever witnessed!"

"Shut up" Logan groans, choosing not to comment on the 'Oh my god' thing.

"No! Oh man, that was great! I wish I had of filmed it..."

"Just... just drop it"

"But seriously though" Kendall chuckles, "Your Mum walked in on you singing and dancing to The Spice Girls? How do your parents not know you're gay!?"

"Don't" Logan says quickly, looking up at Kendall with now no hint of laughter anywhere in his voice, "Please don't joke about that"

"Why?"

"Because... because it's just not something to joke about. Can we talk about something else?"

"Fine" Kendall sighs, "Try your drink"

"Will I like it?"

"You'll never know until you try..."

Logan doesn't argue that statement, instead he picks up his drink and gives it a hesitant sniff.

"Oh my god just try it. It's not even alcoholic" Kendall groans.

As Logan slowly sips the drink through the straw his face starts to scrunch.

"You don't like it?" Kendall grins, watching him expectantly.

Logan sits the drink back down on the table and let's his mind ponder. "It's... different. It's good though"

"Hooray!" Kendall says excitedly, "We'll have you drinking Bloody Marys in no time!"

Logan rolls his eyes, "No you won't"

"We'll see" Kendall says with a glint of humour in his eyes.

"So your Dad owns this place huh?" Logan asks, trying to distract Kendall from his path of trying to ruin his life.

"He sure does"

"So you've always lived in California?"

"Nah my Mum and sister live in Minnesota, my Dad split to L.A when I was about ten"

"Oh... I'm sorry"

"Don't be" Kendall shrugs, "Me and my Dad are good. Can't say the same for him and Mum..."

"So why did you move to L.A then?"

"Because I lived in Minnesota... But seriously, James always wanted to move here since we were little and it was a combination of wanting to do something with my life and James and I would probably have separation anxiety" Kendall laughs. "What about you? You've always lived in Texas?"

"My whole life, yes"

"Do you have any siblings?"

"Yeah I have three older brothers and a twin sister, Rachel"

"Wow, a twin. What's that like?"

Logan shrugs, "Just like having a normal sibling I guess. We fought a lot growing up but now we're older we get along really well, I really miss her actually"

"Aww, it'll be ok" Kendall says gently, letting his thumb run smooth circles over the back of Logan's hand.

"Yeah I guess" Logan sighs, "It's just hard. I just hate not even being able to talk to her for two years..."

"Does she... um... does she know?"

"Know what?"

"About you being –"

"Don't. There's nothing to know"

"Logan you can't –"

"Enough. So you and James have been friends awhile then?"

"Yes" Kendall sighs in annoyance, angry at the change of subject. "Our Mum's were friends before we were even born so we were always destined to be thrown together I guess. So we've been inseparable for nearly 25 years now"

"I see" Logan says casually, taking a sip of his drink and trying not to get caught under Kendall's gaze.

"You're... you're jealous aren't you?" Kendall starts to chuckle, giving Logan's hand a squeeze.

"No! I'm not" Logan tries to argue, feeling blush begin to creep its way onto his cheeks. Again.

"Oh you so are!"

"No! I'm just... I'm just saying that it would sort of make sense... both of you being... you know, that way inclined... and, um, you're both attractive so, um" Logan stutters awkwardly. He is _so _ready for this night to be over now. And yet at the same time he seems to keep rambling. "And y-you obviously get along really well, and um, I guess you'd be perfect for each other or whatever"

Kendall moves in closer to Logan, putting an arm around the back of the booth and almost pressing into his side. "You think I'm attractive?"

"I guess?" Logan almost asks like a question, feeling two feet tall under Kendall's gaze.

"You guess?"

"I mean yeah, you um, you have all the physical attributes that work together to create what is generally considered attractive by society so..."

"I don't care what society things. Do _you _think I'm attractive?"

Logan takes a moment to take in Kendall's features. The chiseled jaw, the silky blonde tussled hair, the muscular lean body, the perfect white teeth, the dimples, pink lips that look soft enough to touch... and don't even get Logan started on Kendall's eyes.

"Yes" Logan almost whispers, "Yes I think you're attractive"

"Good" Kendall grins, leaning in closer, "because I think you're attractive too"

Logan swallows the lump in his throat, letting his bottom lip snag between his teeth and looking up at Kendall with big brown eyes, probably like a deer caught in the headlights. Kendall places a hand tentatively on his cheek and pulls him in until they are now breathing the same air.

Logan wants to close the gap. He does. And that's probably what makes this whole this that much more terrifying. He wants to capture Kendall's lips in his own and kiss him so hard his head starts to spin. He wants to feel how soft those lips really are. He wants Kendall to hold him tightly; his strong hands to grasp at his skin and pull him closer and closer until they are one. He wants to be Kendall's; he wants to be all Kendall's.

And all that, is exactly why it can't happen.

"I'm sorry" Logan whispers barely over the music, turning his head away from Kendall and looking down at the table.

Kendall sighs softly, "Why won't you let me in?"

"Because how am I supposed to let you in, when I can't even accept myself?"

"I don't know if you realise this Logan but you're already accepting yourself more than you know... You're finally starting to become comfortable with the idea of being –"

"Don't say it. Please. I can't... Just don't"

"However long it takes Logan, I'll wait. I'll be here for you when you need me, no matter what happens"

"Well, you're going to be waiting a long time"

"That's ok" Kendall smiles, tilting his lips upwards to place a soft kiss on Logan's forehead. "I've got forever"


	4. I Need To Know

**A/N: You're all wonderful. That's about it. Thank you for all your reviews and tumblr messages and tweets and ksdfnjskjf. You make my heart sing with joy. And I promise I won't take so long to update next time.**

**This chapter... who even knows where I went with this. So please... I beg of you in advance, don't hate me. My brains writes what it writes and we go with the flow... And just a pre warning thing, Kendall is a whore. That is all.**

**So... enjoy?**

**Song: I Need To Know - Kris Allen. So good. So sad. Makes me so emotional. Listen to it.**

* * *

**Chapter Four - I Need To Know.**

Logan shouldn't leave someone who's so inebriated go off into the darkness alone. And when he says inebriated he means tipsy, and when he says the darkness he means Kendall's home, and when he says alone he means James will be there.

But still.

James is probably a great person. Logan is sure Kendall worships the ground James walks upon, it's obvious in the way he blabbed about "James this" and "James that" and "did you know one time James and I.." And on and on and on. Which is fine. Logan shouldn't be jealous. He's not. Jealousy is the lowest form a human being can stoop to.

Actually.

Let Logan rethink that.

He just hates the thought of James being there for Kendall in a way he will never be able to... And Logan doesn't necessarily mean that to be a sexual thing. James is Kendall's best friend, something that Logan has really never had. He's had friends; he's got his sister, but a _best _friend... Someone to tell secrets with, to laugh with, to watch bad movies with, to make jokes that only the two of you understand... That one person you know that even if the whole world was against you, they'd be by your side. Logan wants that. Which is why he knows he shouldn't be bitter about James. He's not.

"I really think you should come in with me" Kendall pouts as they walk up the small path to their homes.

"Kendall, we already stayed out way later than I should have, they're going to be suspicious"

"Pfft. No they're not"

"Kendall, you're never going to understand are you?" Logan says, grabbing Kendall's wrist and stopping them just before they are in seeing distance of his house.

"No, I understand perfectly"

"And yet you still try and push me?"

"Look, you didn't have to come out tonight. I'm just hoping that the more and more time we spend together you'll... I dunno"

"I'll what? Give up my religion and come running into your arms?"

"No" Kendall sighs, "I just want you to loosen up a bit"

"I think you have to appreciate that I even came out with you at all"

"And I do appreciate it"

"Good. Now, let me go home"

"Ok. But there's something I want to do first"

Kendall shifts Logan's hold on his wrist so their fingers slide together effortlessly, and he smiles when Logan holds his hand tight. He takes a step forward, and instantly see's Logan's barriers go up.

"No, you're not kissing me"

"I wasn't going to" Kendall smiles softly, lifting their joined hands to his lips and placing the lightest of kisses on Logan's wrist. "Well, not on the lips anyway"

Logan looks like he is going to cry, his fingers tightening their grasp on Kendall's hand and looking up into those green eyes that shine like the sun.

"Kendall" He whispers, taking Kendall's other hand and interlocking their fingers. "I want you to kiss me"

"You do?" Kendall breathes, stepping in closer so that their foreheads are almost resting together.

"Y-yes. But I just... I don't know if I'm ready"

"I know you think I'm trying to push you, but I honestly don't want you to do anything you don't want"

"I know" Logan breathes, "and that's exactly why I want you to kiss me"

Both their breaths are deep, heavy and quick, as Kendall releases his fingers from Logan's and cups the brunette boys face gently in his hands. His thumb brushes over Logan's cheek bone, and he can feel Logan almost trembling beneath his touch. Kendall knows he is scared, knows that for Logan this isn't just going to be a simple kiss, it's going to be the moment everything changes.

Kendall leans in and lets his eyes flutter shut as he presses his lips softly and hesitantly against Logan's. And Kendall was right; it is when everything changes, but not just for Logan.

Logan's heart is beating loud and hard in his chest, but the minute Kendall's lips touch his own; he melts. Melts into Kendall's touch, his embrace, his everything. Melts into everything Kendall is, everything he says, everything he does and everything they are going to become. He is falling, falling so deep he can't get out.

Kendall's lips are rough, and yet soft. His hands hold his face firmly, yet gently. He never wants Kendall to let go, he wants to stay in this moment forever. Hidden by the trees and the stars, hidden from the world that will never accept Logan for who he truly is. But maybe, maybe Kendall is right. Logan could run, turn on the only life he's known and be what his heart really wants.

But is this what his heart really wants? To go against everything he believes, everything he's known? Could Logan do that?

Could Logan give everything away for some boy that he barely knows? Some boy that holds his lips with his own in such a way that makes Logan catch his breath? _A boy?_

Logan doesn't realise soft tears have started to spill from his eyes until they reach their joined lips. He pulls back, looking down at the ground and trying to stop the sobs that threaten to crash their way through his chest.

"Logan, are you ok?" Kendall whispers, voice laced with concern, as his finger tips brush the tears from Logan's cheeks.

Kendall being sweet only makes it worse.

Logan looks up into Kendall's eyes, seeing that concern and affection and –

No.

Logan's not going to try and tell himself there's love in Kendall's eyes.

He takes Kendall's wrists and removes his hands from his face, holding them gently before letting go.

"I'm so sorry" He cries gently, before turning and walking off into the darkness.

"Logan?" Kendall asks in disbelief, "Wait!"

Kendall goes to run after Logan but before he can he sees the front door of 1J slam shut, and no matter how badly he wants to he knows it wouldn't be wise to go knocking on the door. Instead he stands outside for a minute, trying to wrap his head around what just happened. Apart from pretty much deciding he was in love with this boy he barely knew, he thought Logan felt the same way... Kendall had kissed _plenty _of people in his time, but... but not like that. He knew Logan was scared – terrified in fact, but he didn't think Logan would run.

And that hurts.

All he wants to do now is crawl into bed, wrap himself up in his covers and try and forget the whole evening. Forget the way Logan's cheeks would blush when he was embarrassed, or the way he would bite his lip when he got nervous, and the way his hand would tighten around his own, or maybe how his chocolate eyes would look into his... or maybe how it felt to kiss those sweet, soft lips for the first time and feel his heart explode.

Yes, he wanted to forget all of that.

But as Kendall opens the front door to 2J and steps inside, he realises that his dream of curling up in bed undisturbed isn't on the cards for this evening.

You'd think it would be shocking to walk in on your best friend having sex on the living room couch, but for Kendall... not really.

"Oh my god, yes, J-James, right there" Carlos moans as James thrusts him deep into the couch.

In other circumstances this would probably be hot. Weird, but hot. Because Kendall's not going to deny that James and Carlos are both incredibly attractive men and he would be absolutely lying if he said the three of them hadn't gotten... well hadn't gotten a little bit more than friendly on more than one occasion, but right now; he's not in the mood to watch or hear or be any part of it.

Instead of alerting the two to his present vocally he drops his keys down on the table with a smash, smirking when their heads both snap in his direction. But of course, and not to Kendall's surprise at all, they don't stop.

"Hey buddy" James grins from the couch, snapping his hips forward and making Carlos whine into the leather upholstery. "How was your – fuck – how was your date?"

"Not having this conversation right now James" Kendall says, looking into the fridge for something to eat as both men continue to moan and groan.

"P-Please Kenny? I wanna hear all about it?"

Kendall turns back around, watching James pout at him for a second before he throws his head back at a particular hard thrust into Carlos.

"Not whilst you're having sex on our couch"

"B-But –"

"I'm going to my room" Kendall interrupts with a shake of his head and a small smile, walking past the two and ignoring the interest in his pants.

Now is so not the right time.

Kendall kicks off his shoes and jeans, desperate to just die in his boxers and a t-shirt. He feels like that would be an ok way to go. And whilst hearing his two best friends scream and cry out from the lounge room is something that would normal bother him, tonight it's sort of taking his mind off Logan.

Sort of.

If you had of asked him this morning, he'd tell you that James and Carlos make him jealous because he wants to be grinding Logan into the couch. He wants to hear Logan cry out his name, feel his hands grasp at his back in an almost desperate need. He wants to own Logan, completely, possessing the boy in a way he didn't even know was possible. He wants to see the look of Logan's face when he comes apart at the seams, clinging on to Kendall as his body shakes and his mind goes blank.

But that's not why he's jealous now.

Although yes, Kendall still very much likes the idea of all those things, he wants _more _now. He doesn't want to simply have Logan screaming his name and coming undone, he wants to lie with Logan afterwards. He wants to hold the boy tightly as they look into one another's eyes, not saying a word but at the same time one million thoughts passing through them. He wants to kiss Logan softly, to tell him that he loves him and that he wants to stay that way forever.

Kendall hates his heart sometimes.

A soft knock on his door snaps him out of his thoughts, and he grunts as a way of saying "come in"

"Heyyyy best friend" James grins from around the door, "May I come in?"

"Are you naked?"

"Nope"

"Fine. Come in"

James smiles happily, shutting the door behind him and practically leaping onto Kendall's bed.

"You know I think the 'are you naked?' question might also constitute to wearing nothing but boxers" Kendall chuckles as James lies down next to him.

"I disagree, because they are clothing, I am clothed, you can't see my junk; point made"

"You're an idiot"

"Who you love"

"True"

They both smile at each other, James then taking one of Kendall's hands in his and holding it tightly. "So, tell me about your date"

"It wasn't a date"

"Whatever. How was it?"

"I don't know..." Kendall says slowly, lifting up his other hand to play with James' long fingers. "It was... I think I really like him"

"Oh no" James groans, moving to his side and resting his head on his propped elbow, "I know that face. That's your love face"

"My what face?"

"Your love face. When you start to fall in love with someone you get this... look, and I just know"

"That's not true..."

"Bullshit. The first time I saw that face was when we were 15 and that new kid, what was his name? Aaron or something, came to our school and you basically fell over yourself to be friends with him"

"Dude, I didn't even know I was gay when I was 15"

"Lies"

"Fine. But I didn't "love" Aaron"

"No, but you were an impressionable 15 year old that let yourself believe anything. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that you hardly ever let yourself fall for anyone, and when you do I notice it. Because I'm your best friend and I know you better than anyone"

"True" Kendall smiles, putting their still clasped hands on his chest and running his thumb over James' knuckles.

"So, you're falling for Logan huh?"

"I guess" Kendall sighs, "It's just... it's so complicated"

"Because he's a religious freak?"

"Yeah, but turns out it's just so much more than I anticipated... I thought it would be easy to get him into bed, after a few charming lines and few smiles... but he's wound tight man. Although..."

"Although?"

"I did get to kiss him this evening, finally"

"Wow. How did that go?"

"Oh James, it was incredible. Like, I don't want to get all sappy on you but it was so amazing... all that crap about the stars aligning and fireworks going off... it's true"

"I know" James smiles, "It's what happens whenever I kiss Carlos"

"How do you know you're in love?"

"You just do" James shrugs. "I know that's not very helpful, and I could give you some big thing about how when you look into their eyes nothing else matters and all that crap, but at the end of the day, if you're in love; you'll know"

"Thanks James" Kendall smiles, lifting his head up slightly off the pillow to kiss James softly.

James kisses Kendall back, shifting his weight so he is now pressed into Kendall's body. Kendall releases their joined hands, moving his hands around James' back and pulling him in closer and tighter with his grasp. James is still hot and sweaty and Kendall can smell sex on his skin. He moans loudly as James' hips roll down into his, opening his mouth to give James full access of his tongue. Kendall pushes James slightly and rolls them over so he is now on top, not breaking their lips as he straddles James and grinds his hips down, making them both groan.

"Do you want to have sex with me Kendall?" James breathes heavily as the blondes lips start to suck at his neck.

"Yes" Kendall moans as James' hand moves to palm him through his boxers, "So badly"

"Good" James grins, flipping them over again and pinning Kendall's wrists above his head. "Want to make it a little more exciting?"

Kendall nods, lifting his head up as much as he can to kiss any inch of skin he can see as James yells out, "Carlos!? Get in here!"

Kendall grins as James' lips reconnect with his, breaking free of the confines of his wrists so he can fist his hands roughly through soft brunette hair.

They part from each other for a second when they hear laughter from the door way, seeing Carlos standing there with a huge smile on his face. "Well, I'm glad I got invited to the party"

"Of course" Kendall says breathlessly, holding a hand out to Carlos and pulling the boy down on the bed when their skin connects.

As Kendall drags his finger nails down Carlos' back with one hand, and holds a fistful of brunette hair in the other, two sets of lips kissing and biting their way down his torso he lets a brief thought pass for the cute boy just across the path, with his blush and his creamy pale skin, the chocolate eyes that sparkle like the stars...

But this thought is fleeting.

Because if tonight is doing anything according to plan it's got one thing right; Logan is definitely (for the majority) the last thing on his mind.

* * *

Logan tries to tip toe through the house as quietly as possible, really hoping, no praying, that none of the other men will hear him come in..

"Elder Mitchell, is that you?"

If Logan swore, now would be the perfect opportunity.

He wipes the tears from his eyes that are still threatening to spill and tries to compose himself before entering the living room. He takes a deep breath, telling himself that it's going to be ok and it's not like he's going to have a big "I kissed a boy" sign hanging above his head, they're not going to know. He just prays he doesn't smell of alcohol or smoke from the bar.

"Hey Elder Zevon, how are you going?" He smiles feebly as he rounds the corner.

"Good good" He says, putting a bookmark in his Bible and settle it down on the coffee table. "How was Mass?"

"Uh yeah good" Logan coughs; he's always been a terrible liar. "It was peaceful to get out for a while"

"You're telling me" Zevon chuckles before he pats the spot on the couch next to him. "I want to talk to you Mitchell"

Logan swallows the lump in his throat, trying to not let on his freaking out as he sits down next to Elder Zevon. "Is everything ok?" He asks, voice shaky and nervous.

"Well, that's what I was going to ask you"

"Oh..."

"Look, I know it's hard. Trust me, when I first came here I hated it. Moving away from your family, away from everything you've known... it's really hard. But in time, it will get better"

"Yeah" Logan sighs, feeling himself relax a tiny bit "It is hard. I just miss home, and my family... And I can't even talk to them"

"I know. And look, I think I would be ok with even being able to watch TV or read an actual book, but we can't. But once we do our time here, we'll go home and I can marry Selena and _finally _get to have sex with her"

Logan coughs awkwardly, finding this conversation even more uncomfortable than going to a bar with a gay man. "Selena's your... girlfriend?"

"Yep. And you have no idea how hard it is to not be able to even jack off to the thought of her"

"Oh... Um... I... wow uh –"

"Unless you do? Got a girl back home Mitchell?"

"Ahh no" Logan stutters, looking down at his lap and feeling his cheeks turning their familiar shade of red.

"Aww no one? No one you've secretly fantasised over? I promise I won't tell"

"Well... there is this one... um girl..." Logan tries to not put any emphasis on the world girl.

"Yeah? What's she like?"

"She's pretty amazing" Logan says with a small smile, "She's got this beautiful sandy blonde hair that I just want to run my fingers through... a smile that makes me feeling I could do anything with these adorable dimples, and her eyes... oh her eyes. They're so green, and so bright... It's like God's light shines in her eyes and I could just look into them forever. But it's not just her looks, everything about her is wonderful. Her laugh, her stupid dumb jokes, the way that just by being with her makes me feel like a better person... Because she makes me _want _to be a better person. And she knows me in a way that no one else does... we haven't known each other that long but she's the one who believes in me, and accepts me for exactly who I am... everything I've been and everything I'm going to become... Everything's just... everything is better when she is around."

Logan let's a shaky breath escape his lips when he finishes, feeling that familiar sensation of tears well up in his chest. But he doesn't think they're sad tears necessarily.

"She sounds wonderful" Zevon smiles sincerely, "What's her name?"

"Kathy" Logan says without missing a beat, the first name coming to his mind.

"Cute. You must be missing her"

"Mmm" Logan hums in agreement, not too sure how saying "well _she _lives just two seconds away". But in all honestly, Kendall might not be on the other side of the country, but Logan... Logan does miss him. He's starting to realise more and more that he misses Kendall when he's not around. He wants to feel Kendall's hand in his, lips on his... He wants to be with Kendall, and not just for a night.

"Um, I just realised" Logan says quickly, jumping up from the couch. "I uh left my coat at the Church"

"Oh. Well, we're going tomorrow so just get it then" Zevon replies, only slightly taken aback but Logan's sudden shift in mood.

"Ah no, I had some important things in the pockets... letters" Logan almost face palms, knowing that not only is it a terrible lie but he could get into serious shit for having letters when they're not allowed.

"Oh. Well, ok" Zevon smiles, getting up from the couch and placing a hand on Logan's shoulder, "I won't say anything. Go get your letters lover boy"

"Thanks" Logan smiles, touched by Zevon's kindness.

"Just don't wake me up when you get back!"

Logan gives him a thumbs up and a grin before ducking out the living room and the front door, and he marches straight over to Kendall's house and knocks loudly on the front door.

He waits for a moment or two as he hears crashing around and laughing coming from inside the house, wondering what on earth Kendall is up to. Finally, Kendall answers, his eyes instantly going wide when he see's Logan standing there. Logan's eyes going wide too, partially from the fact Kendall is in nothing but a pair of boxers.

"Logan, what are... what are you doing here?" Kendall says breathlessly, half shutting the door behind him awkwardly so Logan can't see inside the house.

Logan takes a deep breath, running over quickly one more time in his mind what he is going to say. There's no room for hello's, no time for small talk and apologies.

It's time to put the cards on the table.

"Kendall, I wanted to come and tell you... I realised something. I was away from you for what, half an hour? And it hurt more than anything ever has. More than leaving my family, moving here, being alone... Because my heart figured it out... I don't want to be away from you, and I'm sick of trying. Kendall, I wanted to tell you... that I think I'm ready; I'm ready to freefall into into the unknown with you. Because I think... I think I lov –"

"Kendall!" A loud yell comes from inside the house, interrupting Logan. "Are you coming back? Or are me and Carlos going to have to go on without you?"

_Roads in front of me _  
_Taking me astray _  
_Are you leaving me? _  
_Or are you leading the way? _  
_Can you hear what I'm saying? _

_I need to know_

_Feel like I'm trying to breathe under water  
Trying to climb but I keep falling farther  
Will you take my hand?_

_I need to know_


	5. Like a Moth to Flame

**A/N: Heyoo. It's nearly 6am. Fuuuuuuuck. I really need to start getting to bed earlier. Actually I need to get off tumblr, that would probably do the trick.**

**First and foremost, a shoutout to _homoship_ on tumblr, for inspiring my brain :P And SO MUCH LOVE to Liz (_wantedwee_****_n_ - tumblr) because she is beautiful and makes me cry with her love and support and is the reason I am updating right now and also (but unrelated) let me co run her amazing Katelyn Tarver blog and KT is just my one true love so that just skdfnjskjfn. Gosh. Anyway.**

**I was going to have Kendall and Logan fight for a bit but look... ok... Logan can't help but be drawn to Kendall and neither can I, it's a weakness. **

**Warnings: Smut. Hello. And my not proof reading.**

**Also I've been posting drabbles and making a lot of edits over on tumblr so if you want to read more of my stuff or just look at my AMAZING GIFS/EDITS (not amazing) then check it out. "smilelikeschmidt" is my thingo.**

**Shhh Sophie. They're sick of you now.**

**Oh! The thing about Mrs White is relevant ok? So just... keep that in mind. I haven't just thrown it in for lols.**

* * *

**Chapter 5 - Like a Moth to Flame.**

Logan might be naive about a lot of things. He may lead a sheltered lifestyle and not know the songs on the radio or the winner of Best Picture at the Oscars, but he's not stupid. He knows how to put two and two together, and he does not like what they add up to. He can see that pain and regret behind Kendall's eyes, the cool sweat trickling down his torso, the marks on his neck and the boxers hanging hastily off his hip bones. Sure, James' words from inside the house could mean anything.

But Logan's not stupid.

"I –I should go" Logan fumbles, his voice cracking and his heart aching.

He turns to leave, but Kendall grabs his wrist, his touch like a white hot flame. "Logan, please, wait. I can explain"

Logan gives Kendall a small, sad smile, removing his wrist from its tight hold. "You don't owe me anything Kendall"

"No I do, I do. I just – fuck, I fucked up. Please, just wait" Kendall stutters, his voice high and about ready to break.

"Look" Logan sighs, "You don't owe me an apology or an explanation because it's not like... well it's not like we were anything"

"But we were starting to -"

"No, we weren't starting to do anything" Logan says bluntly, turning to leave again but Kendall runs out in front of him.

Logan is praying that one of the Elders doesn't choose to look out the window right now.

"No, wait. Why did you come here?"

"It doesn't matter"

"Yes, it does" Kendall says seriously, stepping forward and placing each hand on either side of Logan's face. Logan tries to break free of the touch that gets his heart racing, but it's no use; Kendall is forcing those deep chocolate eyes onto his own and Logan isn't breaking that intensity any time soon.

"Tell me" Kendall says again, this time with a little more force. "You said you were ready..."

"N-no, I _thought _I was ready. This was a sign. God is clearly telling me that it was a mistake"

"Shut up about God for two seconds"

Logan grabs a hold of Kendall's wrists and practically rips is hands away from his face and clutching them tightly. "Don't you _dare _say that. Mess with me all you want but don't insult everything I believe in"

"Logan, I don't know what you want me to say! I'm sorry!"

"I don't want an apology!" Logan almost laughs, his voice laden with anger and disbelief. "You can... have sex with James and his friend Carlos all you want... it makes no difference to me"

"Firstly, Carlos is James' _boyfriend"_

Kendall scowls at Logan's shudder.

"Look, you're going to have to accept you're gay Logan and guess what? Being gay means you are going to have plenty of boyfriends!"

"Don't say that! Please!" Logan almost cries, "Just... just leave me alone! I should never have even gotten involved with you!"

"Look, I know you're upset and I know I fucked up but please Logan, please forgive me"

"There's nothing to forgive!" Logan shouts, "You're not mine! I'm not yours! We aren't a thing! You have no responsibility to me!"

"But... but I want to"

"What? So you can just go sleep with James?"

"No! I'm not a cheater!"

"Then why – no. No. I'm not going to be a hypocrite" Logan sighs, calming his tone and looking into sad green eyes. "Ok, look Kendall. I thought... I thought I wanted something with you that in reality, I didn't. You sucked me in with your hypnotising eyes and your soft blonde hair that I just want to run my fingers through, and your big nose that somehow frames your face perfectly... and those crazy eyebrows that often have me smiling before I go to sleep at night, and those dimples when you smile... that smile that just makes everything... better"

"L-Logan -"

"No. We're done here Kendall. And I don't hate you or hold anything against you. I think this was definitely for the best, so go... go have fun with James and Carlos and forget me ok?"

Logan turns quickly on his heel, feeling the tears threaten to crash their way through his chest.

"But I know you don't want me to forget you" Kendall says softly, making Logan's step falter so he is rooted to the ground. But he doesn't dare turn back around. He can't. "And I don't want to forget you... I can't. You're all I think about Logan... and that's not going to change"

Logan doesn't say another word, simply letting the soft tears begin to fall as he walks away.

He knows he's doing the right thing. This is for the best. He just fooled himself into thinking he liked Kendall, fooled himself into thinking he could _love _Kendall. But he can see clearly now, and he knows that things without Kendall will be better.

But the worst part?

_He's lying._

Kendall doesn't chase him. Doesn't speak. Instead he walks back into his house, heading straight to his room and not even looking up at Carlos and James still on his bed. He asks them to get out, tells them that he just needs to be alone. They try and talk to him, try and see what is wrong but they are simply replied with a small grunt and a slam of the door.

Kendall fucked up, and he knows it.

* * *

In the weeks to come, Kendall tries to initiate any form of contact with Logan. He even asked if they could come back over and talk to him about their Church, and Logan bluntly replied "Elder Zevon and Elder Ridge can come over if you'd like?"

To which Kendall tried to say "No I was hoping you would come over and we could talk and –"

And then he got a door slammed in his face.

So much for no anger or resentment.

There were awkward smiles outside, small little waves and eyes full of regret. Sometimes the urge to just run over to Logan's house and barge down the door demanding that he see Logan reached a breaking point. But he figured putting Logan's whole life in jeopardy probably won't put him in the good books.

It's not until the Friday afternoon when he's getting ready for work he thanks the heavens above. He's walking past the front window, throwing shit all over the place which is a part of the Kendall Knight getting ready routine, when he spies Logan walking to the laundry room. If that wasn't fate, well then he didn't know what was.

Except he hard work.

Fuck.

"Hey James" He calls, hearing his best friend "mmm?" from the other room. "I'm going to be late to work tonight so go without me!"

"Kendall you can't be late!" James calls back, "And how will you get there? I'm your ride dumbass!"

"Dude, Gustavo loves me! It will be fine! I'll get the bus or something"

"Oooh Kendall Knight getting the bus, how the mighty have fallen"

"Fuck off. I'll see you later"

"Ok! Don't even tell me where you're going its fine!"

But Kendall's out of the house before he has a chance to respond.

He realises that unlike the first time he set up the "chance" encounter at the laundry, he actually had the excuse of laundry. But it probably doesn't matter; Logan's going to know what he's up to.

Logan's head snaps up when Kendall walks through the door, Kendall about to give him a huge smile until he notices something.

Logan's crying.

Kendall doesn't think, he acts on impulse, moving quickly over to Logan and wrapping his arms around the smaller boy. Logan doesn't fight it, instead his arms snaking around Kendall's middle to hold him tightly whilst he sobs.

"It's ok it's ok" Kendall says softly, resting his head on top of Logan's and running his hand through the soft brunette hair.

He's not really sure if everything is ok, but his voice and his embrace seem to be calming Logan down slightly. Logan breaks the silence after a short while, his voice slightly muffed by Kendall's chest.

"W-why are you wearing a tie?"

"Huh? Oh" Kendall chuckles lightly, "It's for work"

"Why are you not at work?"

"I saw you walking over here and I wanted to talk to you"

"Oh..."

"Logan, are you ok?"

Logan leans back a bit, titling his head up so Kendall is looking straight into his chocolate eyes that are positively glistening with tears.

"No" Logan almost mouths, his bottom lip quivering slightly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kendall whispers, brushing Logan's cheek with the back of his hand.

"It's... it's not something I should care about so much. But... there's this woman, Mrs White. The first time I met her was just like we visit everyone else, but when I knocked on her door I heard her say it was open. Elder Stetson was cautious, but I went in anyway. She was... she was so frail, so fragile, so... weak. She was hooked up to wires and drips and even an oxygen tank, and it killed me to see someone like that. I told her who we were, and she said she would like it if we spoke to her. I knew that nothing we said was really getting through, but I felt like... I felt like it was helping. She had no one. No family there, no one to look after her, just someone who came and delivered meals and made sure she wasn't... d-dead. She looked so sad when we had to go, so I promised her I would come back... and I did. Every day I have visited her whilst Stetson has lunch because he's not interested... but every day; I held her hand, told her stories, sometimes just sat there whilst she would pass in and out of sleep. We spoke about death and I told her about Heaven, and it made her smile... She said that if I told her she was going to go to Heaven then that is where she would go, and she couldn't wait for the next big adventure... That death isn't the end; it's just a new beginning. A new beginning of freedom and unknown happiness and a path we all must take. Anyway she... well... she... she died today"

"Oh Logan" Kendall says quickly and gently, pulling Logan in tighter. "I'm so sorry"

"It's o-ok" Logan sobs, "I didn't really even know her, but it's still sad"

"Of course it is, of course. I understand"

Logan looks up at Kendall again, studying those perfect green eyes for a moment before he speaks in barely a whisper. "You really do care don't you?"

"Of course I do" Kendall frowns slightly, "Losing someone is awful, no matter how well you know them"

"Have you ever lost someone who was close to you Kendall?"

"Yes. My Grandma on my Mom's side. She was the greatest woman I've ever known... I just... I don't want to talk about it"

Logan leans up slightly on his toes; gripping tighter at Kendall's waist and placing a soft kiss on his cheek where a single tear has begun to roll down slowly, like a rain drop.

"Kendall... I don't want you to die"

Kendall can't help but let a small breathless laugh escape his lips; it's the last thing he was expecting to hear from Logan at this moment.

"I just mean... What if one day you're just... gone, and I never see you again? What if you left and I never got a chance to tell you how I truly felt?"

"How do you truly feel?" Kendall whispers, leaning forward until their noses are touching.

Logan bites down on his bottom lip, closing his eyes just for a moment before he lets his heart answer the question.

He kisses Kendall, kisses him quickly and gently and melts into Kendall's touch when the blonde's hands move to frame his face. Kendall kisses him softly, at first. Logan knows he is being hesitant and he respects him for that; but when Kendall's tongue traces Logan's bottom lip and lets his lips part, he can't help but feel a moan break free from his throat, and suddenly he wants... more. He can feel a million and one screams of protests coming from his mind, but his heart is overshadowing them, overshadowing them with a smile.

Kendall moves them back slightly, their lips not breaking, until he feels the back of his legs hit one of the washing machines. Kendall's body slides up against his own, and it simultaneously drives him wild and hoists him up until he is sitting on top of the machine. Logan disconnects their lips for a second, seeing the instant worry on Kendall's face that maybe they took it too far, but Logan simply smiles, lifting a hand tentatively to Kendall's hair to do something he has wanted to do _so _badly from the very first time they met.

He runs his fingers ever so gently through the blonde strands, a happy sigh escaping his lips as he does so. Kendall feels his heart convulsing from the simple touch, from the way Logan is so cautious and so hesitant, the way his brown eyes sparkle with both adoration and the slight fear of knowing this is wrong. He's never wanted, nor needed Logan more than he has right in this moment. In fact, he don't think he's ever want _anyone _more than he wants Logan.

With that thought he brings his lips crashing back down on Logan's, letting his hands clutch at the thin material of the brunette's t-shirt. Kendall's mind almost goes blank when Logan's legs wrap around his waist, drawing him in closer. He pulls back in shock, only to be faced with big brown wary eyes.

"Is this... ok?" Logan breathes cautiously, and Kendall doesn't even have a response for that.

He could say, "Yes" or "more than ok" or "fuck, please" – but he feels connecting their lips once more and giving an experiential grind of his hips into Logan's is enough of a response.

Logan instantly gasps and in doing so bites down on Kendall's lower lip. No one has ever driven Kendall as crazy, especially someone who doesn't even know what they're doing. Kendall kind of likes that though, likes that this is all foreign territory for Logan and he is the one leading the way.

But he is unsure where the line is drawn. He is almost waiting for the moment Logan will push him back in shock and run out of the laundry with whispers of "I'm sorry" and "I can't do this".

But not yet.

And Kendall will take every second he can get.

Hesitantly, Kendall lets a hand move to the front of Logan's shirt, letting his long fingers slide up under the material to feel smooth, soft skin. Logan's skin tenses at the touch, but not in a way that Kendall gathers is a signal to stop. Instead Logan quickly moves his lips to start peppering kisses along Kendall's jaw line, his teeth darting out occasionally to nip at the sensitive skin.

Kendall's almost done with being cautious now, the overwhelming urge to just rip off Logan's clothes and fuck him right here on top of the washing machine becoming suffocating. But when Kendall thinks about it, he doesn't want to fuck Logan. I mean he does, but he wants it to be... well he wants it to be special, and he wants to call it something he never has before...

He wants to make love to Logan.

And James would punch him if he knew he'd even thought that.

"Can you" Logan breathes quickly, kissing all over Kendall's neck, "I want you to... I want you to touch me"

Kendall's instinct reaction is hold Logan tighter, but Logan pulls back and shakes his head slightly.

"No" He says softly, "I want you to _touch _me"

And that's when Kendall gets it.

"Ohhh" He says softly, "But are you... Are you sure?"

Logan kisses Kendall gently on the lips, "I'm sure"

Kendall kisses Logan more roughly this time, grinning to himself when he hears Logan moan. If he is guessing correctly in that Logan has never been intimate like this with someone else, then Logan is going to be in for a treat.

Or so he hopes.

He doesn't want to blow his own trumpet as it were.

Kendall's nimble fingers make light work of the button on Logan's jeans, Logan pulling himself into Kendall's body for a second to make it easier for his jeans to slide down his legs. Kendall's still waiting, still waiting for Logan to get scared and run, but as his hand moves to palm Logan through his boxers he knows that the brunette wants it.

Wants it bad.

"Please" Logan whispers almost needily into Kendall's air.

And Kendall is not one to refuse anyone of their wishes.

He dives his hand under the band of Logan's boxers, and almost the minute he makes contact Logan's head is throwing back and a sigh escaping his lips. Kendall's eyes widen when he takes Logan's length in his hand, the boy being far bigger than he could have ever anticipated.

"Shit, Logan" Kendall breathes as he starts to pump Logan slowly with steady rhythm, his own erection straining painfully inside his jeans.

"Yes, oh my – yes" Logan pants, tugging Kendall's hair between his fingertips and bringing their lips together quickly.

Kendall groans as Logan takes the blonde's bottom lip between his teeth and tugs gently, the small act making Kendall feel like _he_ is the one who is about to explode at any moment.

The only thing that would make this moment even better was if Logan swore.

But Kendall feels like that isn't going to happen.

Kendall quickens the pace of his wrist; Logan's head falling into the crook of his neck as he breathes become quicker, deeper, needier, hotter. He knows Logan isn't going to last much longer, knows that soon Logan is going to be yelling his name and coming apart at the seams.

"Let yourself go" Kendall whispers hotly into Logan's ear, "Just let it all go, I've got you"

"K-Kendall – I – my – Kendall!" Logan shouts, letting his teeth sink down into the flesh of Kendall's neck as he comes white and hot against Kendall's hand and his own skin.

Logan clings to Kendall tightly for a few moments, his body almost trembling and his breath deep. Kendall would give anything to know what was going on in Logan's mind right now, just a glimpse to know how he is feeling. He wants to know if Logan is going to run, because he hasn't cancelled that option out yet.

"Are you ok?" Kendall breathes out, his own heart beating rapidly as he removes his hand from Logan's boxers and wipes it on the back of his jeans.

Gross. He actually does need to use the laundry facilities now.

Logan loosens his grip on Kendall's neck and shoulders, leaning back to rest their foreheads together so they can breathe each other in.

"No" Logan whispers, shutting his eyes, "Of course I'm not ok"

Kendall instantly feels his heart begin to plummet. "What? But –"

"Kendall, that was one of the greatest moments of my whole life" Logan says sincerely, now opening his eyes to look at Kendall. "But it's also the worst thing I've ever done"

"So, you regret it?" Kendall says in a small voice, hurt etched over every inch of his face.

"Yes" Logan sighs painfully, pulling Kendall in close and pressing their lips together, "But I don't regret you"


	6. Just Come Over and Lie Here With Me

**A/N: I should probably update something else. But...**

**This is only short, and nothing major... but then everything has a point and a meaning and it's not for nothing... In fact this is probably one of my favourite chapters. **

**So I hope you like it too :)**

**The first bit is... yeah... it's weird. It's not really from a character perspective of anything so make of it what you will.**

**Oh and we're time jumping a bit. But it's sort of mentioned in text. **

**Hugs and kisses for each and everyone of you.**

**And I sort of worked in some lyrics from a song into a tiny bit... if you ah.. recognise it... woo hoo. If you don't well... I'll just keep the song to myself and we'll move on... It's embarrassing. **

* * *

**Chapter 6 - Just Come Over and Lie Here With Me**

What's that quote... that one that's not really a quote and it's not all that meaningful but it probably holds more truth than anything else...

Oh yeah.

_"Life sucks, and then you die."_

Nice. Very inspirational. But there's no use complaining about it, because it's right. Life does suck, it fucking sucks, and sometimes it gets to the point where you start asking yourself; why?

But then sometimes, if you're really lucky, something or _someone_ will happen that changes everything.

* * *

"You're so beautiful" Logan says softly, placing his finger tips on Kendall's lips to stop him from speaking.

They lay next to each other, nothing but their toes poking out from beneath the covers. Their bodies are entwined like a puzzle; the perfect puzzle, and Kendall feels like his body was made to hold Logan. The light from the window tries to break through the thin material of Kendall's sheets, but nothing can touch them; not light, not sadness, not even the world. Nothing can touch them as long as they stay in this moment, right here, forever.

"I love your nose" Logan says, letting the tips of his fingers trace the lines of Kendall's angular nose.

His touch is soft, gentle and hesitant (like it always is), but Kendall feels every touch tremor through his skin like lightening.

"I love your eyebrows" Logan smiles, moving his hand upwards to draw the shapes above Kendall's eyes.

"I love your eyes"

Kendall's eyelids flutter shut as Logan leans forward to place feather light kisses over his eyes, and he lets a soft sigh escape his lips.

"I love your hair"

Logan is whispering now, reaching his hand up to run it through Kendall's soft hair as he places gentle kisses down Kendall's cheeks before he reaches the corner of his lips.

"And I love your lips"

Logan kisses Kendall gently, letting their lips mold together effortlessly as Kendall let's his hand find Logan's beneath the covers, locking their fingers together and holding on so tight so that Logan knows... Knows that he is never going to let go.

"Kendall" Logan whispers, breaking away but only slightly. "I love all your little things. I love the way your hand fits in mind like it was made just for me, and the way you can kiss me and it's like... it's like nothing else matters. I forget who I am, who I am supposed to be, I forget about life. I love how you smile at me, and make me feel like I can do anything. I love how beautiful you are, but you don't see it. I wish you could see yourself the way that I see you. Beautiful, kind, loving, sweet, strong, smart... incredible. I love everything about you"

Logan kisses him again, hoping that by doing so it will stop the tears that try and fight their way from his eyes. Kendall hates it when Logan cries, but there's nothing he can say that makes it any better, because he knows the reason.

The hundred and one reasons.

But Kendall thinks that he knows reason number one.

Logan starts to cry whenever he is about to tell Kendall that he loves him.

Kendall's not sure if it's because by saying those three little words then it will be all over for Logan, no turning back. Or because it's something he doesn't want to feel. Either way, Kendall keeps quiet, simply kissing the tears away from Logan's cheeks and holding him closer and wishes for the day he will hear those three little words that will change his life.

"It's going to be ok" Kendall whispers, pulling Logan's head into his neck and feeling the soft tears mark his skin.

"You always say that" Logan mumbles into Kendall's shoulder.

"Well, because... it is"

"How can you know that?"

"I just do. I know everything. You should really start calling me the Prophet"

Logan laughs, like he always does at Kendall's stupid jokes, but his laughter is weak and small and it doesn't make Kendall feel any better.

"I'm just... I guess I'm waiting for something bad to happen"

"Hey, it's been 6 months and nothing bad has happened"

"Yet"

"Don't be so pessimistic. And don't give up on us"

"But Kendall -"

"I'm not giving up on us, and I never will"

Logan sighs, wishing he could let Kendall know that he is only making it worse.

Logan often thinks it would just be better if Kendall left, left Logan and everything they are; never looking back. It would hurt, hurt more than he could say, but it would hurt less than what he knows the future holds.

"We can't keep this up Kendall. I know how hard this is for you, to be with someone who you can't take out in public or tell your friends about. Someone who denies everything you are and is ashamed of you..."

"You're... ashamed of me?"

"Yes... and no. I'm ashamed of everything we are, and I'll never be able to hold your hand with my head held high... I'll never be perfect for you"

"But Logan can't you see? That's the reason I will fight for you, for us, because you are perfect for me. You're perfect for me in every single way and I will take whatever I can get"

"But I can't even..." Logan stammers before stopping to take a deep breath. "Kendall, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, anything"

"Do you... Do you want to have sex with me?"

Kendall sighs, "yes, I do. Very _very _much so"

"Well... Then why do you stay? Why do you say you'll never give up when I can't give you the thing you want most?"

"Hey, I never said it was the thing I want most. The thing I want most is you, and I don't need sex to make me stay"

"But I know... I know sex is an important part of a relationship, and it's something we're missing..."

"Obviously I want to have sex with you Logan, but I don't even see it like that... I want to make love to you. I want to feel your body against mine; I want to feel every inch of you and you of me. I want to share something with you that is so indescribably bonding that it would make you feel like... Look Logan sex isn't important, and whilst I may want it, it doesn't change how I feel about you and how just being here with you makes me feel. And to be honest I'm astounded with some of the things we've actually done together, that you've let me do..."

"Well... I blame you for that" Logan blushes, causing Kendall to smile.

"In fact my dear sir, I'd say I was the perfect gentlemen and you were the one wanting those things"

"Shhh"

"'_Oh please Kendall, please, I need you so badly'_"

"Shut up" Logan groans, burying his head deeper into Kendall's neck as the blonde boy laughs.

"But seriously Logan, you know that I've never pushed you into anything like that and I'm never going to. Yes, I push you in other things. Like getting you to accept who you truly are and how you truly feel, but I would never pressure you into sex"

"The thing is..." Logan says in a voice so small Kendall has to strain to hear it. "I... I want to do it with you. I want to share that closeness with you, that feeling of connection... because..."

Logan lifts his head up until he is looking into Kendall's eyes. "Because I want it to be you, and only you. There is no one else I would want it to be with, and there's no one else I want to be with... It's you Kendall"

Kendall almost crashes his lips down on Logan's; worried that if he doesn't those three little words will slip out of his own mouth.

The urge to tell Logan that he loves him is almost painful, but he knows it will scare him, and Kendall's treading on thin ice as it is. So instead he tries to convey it with a kiss, a kiss that is strong and passionate and has Logan moaning in a matter of seconds.

Logan pulls Kendall on top of him, moving his hands to grab a fistful of blonde hair and grinding his hips upwards. Kendall rocks his hips down simultaneously, causing Logan to arch his back off the bed and moan into Kendall's mouth.

"Wait wait wait" Logan pants, pushing Kendall back a bit and trying to catch his breath. "I don't want to have sex right now"

"I figured. And it's ok" Kendall smiles, leaning down to place a soft kiss on Logan's nose.

"Kendall I... I..." Logan stutters, "I lo-"

"KENDALL I'M HOME!"

"Fuck" Kendall grunts, giving Logan a quick kiss before saying "I'll be right back, I'm just going to go break James' nose"

Logan laughs, the sound like music to Kendall's ears. "It's fine. You don't want to ruin his pretty face"

"Please, that pretty face could learn a thing or two from being fucked up"

Logan chuckles slightly awkward, never prepared for when Kendall swears. He's not the biggest prude in the world to swearing, but when you go from never hearing it your whole life to suddenly having it dropped into conversation on a daily basis it's... odd. But then again, it's probably more shocking to be lying in bed kissing a man.

"Well, do what you see is just. But I should really be going"

"Oh, ok" Kendall says sadly, dropping his eyes slightly so that Logan won't be able to see his hurt.

"You'll see me again" Logan smiles softly, cupping Kendall's cheek in his hand to lift his gaze.

"I wish... I wish you could stay. I wish we could stay wrapped up in bed for as long as we wanted, and then we could go make dinner together and I would put some food on your nose and you would giggle and I would kiss it off and we could watch a movie and cuddle on the couch and... I'll stop"

Logan smiles sadly, running his thumb over Kendall's cheekbone. "What sort of food are we talking about being on my nose? Because if you put some spaghetti on my nose or something that might be kind of hard to kiss off"

"God you make me want to cry because you're so cute sometimes" Kendall laughs, placing a kiss on Logan's lips, "And for the record, I was thinking cupcake mixture or something"

"Cupcakes for dinner? Your Mother did not raise you right did she?"

It's moments like these that are perfect. The moments where they laugh and find their lips on one another's through their smiles. The moments where everything feels like it's going to be ok.

But that's the problem with happiness...

It doesn't last.


	7. Teach You a Lesson

**A/N: So... I'm a horrible person. And I really have no more excuses than that... Except for I've been working on a new story, but I refuse to post it until I've finished everything else. Because I know if I post it I'll get so caught up in it and ughgdfuigdksgf. I just hope I can keep this deal with my brain.**

**But anyway, I hope I can redeem myself with this chapter, a little bit.**

**The main plot/story is really going to kick off after this ok? I just needed some smut in my life for the time being. **

**So yeah, warning, smut!**

**All good things. **

**Enjoy! :)**

* * *

**Chapter Seven - Teach You a Lesson.**

Logan lies awake across from Kendall, watching the tall boy sleep peacefully. Logan knows he must leave soon, and knows that Kendall is going to be annoyed when he wakes to learn he fell asleep during their movie and wasted valuable time, but Logan doesn't care. It's times like this that are special to Logan. The times he reaches out his hand to draw the lines softly on Kendall's face, to trace that nose, those eyebrows, those lips... Trace every inch like they are a piece of art that Logan wants etched onto his fingertips forever.

It's times like these Logan has time to think, but not too much. If he thinks too much he'll drive himself insane. But he thinks about simpler things, like his family, his home, his old life. He misses it, he misses it so much it aches, but he's here with Kendall now... and that makes him happier than he could ever begin to say.

Sure, Logan will often cry himself to sleep at night at the prospect of what he is doing to his life and his future, but if he can see that dimpled smile just one more day... then it's worth it.

Logan misses his sister, misses her more than anything. She was the only person he ever truly felt connected with, maybe it was that special twin bond, or maybe it was just some undefinable bond, whatever it was; Logan missed her and he loved her.

Logan looks down to Kendall's jeans, noticing the lines of his cell phone sticking out through the denim, and moves like a mouse to put his hand in Kendall's pocket and pull out the device. Kendall doesn't stir, and Logan smiles softly to himself before unlocking the phone to stare at the dial pad whilst sitting up to face away from Kendall on the edge of the bed.

He knows the number off by heart, of course he does. Even though he knew he'd never be allowed to ring, he memorised it anyway. Just in case...

He dials the number quickly, taking multiple deep breaths as he puts the phone to his ear and positively prays the right person would pick up.

"_Hello?"_

Logan smiles at the simple word, smiling at the light air in which it is spoken, the kindness behind the voice, the warmth, the love; all from a simple hello.

_"Hello is anyone there?"_

"H-Hi" Logan stutters, "Hi Rach"

Logan hears the phone clatter (presumably to the floor) on the other line, before his sister picks it back up and starts speaking desperately.

"_Logan! What are you – how are you – where are you – what?!"_

"Calm down" Logan chuckles.

"_Logan! You're you're... you're talking to me! I thought I wasn't going to get to talk to you for over two years! Oh Logan Logan Logan! Say something, anything, I just want to hear your voice!"_

Logan feels like he's going to cry, from a strange mixture of joy and sadness. He didn't know how much he truly missed his sister until now.

"It's so good to hear your voice Rach" He smiles, keeping his voice low as to not disturb Kendall. "I've missed you so much"

"_Oh Logie I've missed you too! It's certainly not the same without you. But wait... aren't you like not allowed to call home?"_

"Yeah..." Logan admits sheepishly. "So pleeeease don't tell Mom or Dad"

_"Gosh I won't Logie but wow... Even at school you would cry at the thought of disobeying the rules... I would have thought being with the Elders would be, like, ten times more important than school?"_

"I know I know" Logan sighs, "And if they knew I was making this call I would be in so much trouble... But it's just... everything's a bit crazy right now and I just... I just needed to hear your voice, it calms me down"

"_I understand it must be tough. I know how strict it is Loges. I mean you can't watch tv, have friends, make phone calls... which leads me to my next question, who's phone is this?"_

"A-ah..." Logan stutters, eyes flickering over his shoulder to the still sleeping boy. "A friends..."

"_A friends? But... I thought... Logan... you better know what you're doing. If you get kicked out and sent home Mom and Dad aren't going to be happy at all"_

"I know. Which is why you must promise not to tell them"

"_I won't. But only because I love you..."_

Logan can practically hear her smile through the phone. "I love you too"

_"So, tell me about this friend of yours"_

"Well, he –"

_"He?"_

"Yes, it's a boy. Is that... not ok?"

"_Sorry I just would have thought if you were breaking the rules it would be for some girl"_

"Ah no" Logan chuckles awkwardly, "It's a boy. Well, a man I guess. He's 23, and he lives in the apartment next to ours"

"_Oooh. Is he cute?"_

"Rachel!" Logan almost yells, "W-why would you... Ugh. You can't ask me if I think a guy is um, c-cute, he's just m-my friend!"

"Aww just your friend? That's not very nice..."

Logan flings the phone out of his hands as Kendall's lips press down softly against his neck, his arms wrapping around Logan's middle and pulling the shorter man into his chest.

"Kendall!" Logan scolds, the blonde allowing him to lean forward to pick the phone back up before pulling him back into his body.

Logan tries to break away but Kendall is holding him tightly, continuing to place feather light kisses along his neck and jaw line, and Logan is trying his best not to moan.

"_Logan? Logan are you still there?" _

"Yep yep" Logan says quickly, voice clearly flustered and probably up one or two octaves.

"_What happened?"_

"I um just, the phone just slipped from my fingers"

"_Right... Logan are you alright, you're breathing kind of heavy..."_

And Logan was, he _definitely _was. And it was getting worse. Kendall's hands had now made their way underneath Logan's shirt, letting his long fingers glide up and down the soft pale skin in such a way that makes Logan shiver.

_"_Yeah yeah I'm fine" Logan breathes, his head falling back into Kendall's neck as the taller boy starts to practically bite and suck at his skin.

_"Logan what's going on, are you with someone?"_

"Rach, I, I l-love you but I gotta – bye!"

Logan hangs the phone up quickly, tossing it down on the floor and releasing the moan he had been holding in for what felt like a lifetime.

"K-Kendall" He breathes harshly, parting his lips and trying to suck in as much air he can.

"You used my phone..." Kendall murmurs against his skin, biting down particularly hard and making Logan squirm.

"Y-yes. I'm sorry, I should have asked, but you were asleep and –"

"Mmm yes you should have asked, you shouldn't touch what doesn't belong to you Elder Mitchell... do you need to be taught a lesson?"

Logan's eyes go wide, and he's heart surely has stopped. If it wasn't for the fact he could physically hear and see Kendall, he would be questioning who it was currently positioned behind him.

"W-what? Kendall what are you –"

Logan's voice get's swallowed whole as Kendall pulls him backwards, using his strength to push the small boy backwards onto the bed and position himself on top. Kendall's hands pin Logan's wrists above his head, grinning wickedly before he brings his hips grinding down.

"Oh my – Kendall!" Logan moans, trying to squirm against Kendall's harsh grip against his wrists, but to no avail.

"Don't move your hands" Kendall whispers huskily, releasing his hold on Logan to reach down to his belt.

Logan couldn't even move if he wanted to, he is now completely paralysed, but he's not sure if it's with anticipation, desire, or fear. He's never seen Kendall like this. Kendall often tends to treat him like a precious China doll, or a bunny rabbit, he's never so... dominant.

And Logan will be damned if it's not the hottest thing he's ever seen.

Kendall pulls his belt out of their holes in one quick motion, taking Logan's wrist in his hand again and moving so fast all Logan can do is gape at the blonde.

"Kendall!" He yells in shock as the boy ties the belt around his wrist and to the frame of his bed.

Logan tries to struggle, tries to break free, but when he tries Kendall pins his hips down with his own and whispers a husky "Good boys take their punishments Logan... are you going to be a good boy or a bad boy?", Logan can't help but swallow the lump in his throat and stare up at Kendall helplessly.

"Answer me" Kendall commands, undoing Logan's own belt and doing the same with his other wrist.

"I-I-I" Logan stutters.

"Now now dear, you're going to have to speak up" Kendall grins like a chesire cat, making sure Logan's wrists are secured before he leans back onto the brunette's groin and gives a slow roll of his hips.

"Ngh" Logan groans, "I-I I'm going to be a good boy?"

"Mm" Kendall smirks, dragging his nails down Logan's still covered chest. "See... I kinda like it when you're a bad boy..."

"K-Kendall, please" Logan moans, unable to believe just how much this is turning him on.

Kendall leans down until his lips are hovering just over the shell of Logan's ear before he whispers, "Be my bad boy Logan"

It takes everything Logan has not to just come right then and then, matters only being made worse when Kendall pulls his shirt over his head, revealing his slim hips and his toned abs. Logan wants to touch, he wants to touch so badly, but no matter how hard he tugs at his wrists the attempts are futile.

"Mmm see, bad boys struggle"

"I d-don't – ugh – Kendall what are you doing?"

"Well..." Kendall hums, undoing the buttons on Logan's shirt painfully slow. "I decided it's time to ruin some of your innocence"

"But I like my innocence" Logan gasps, his back arching off the bed as Kendall drags his finger nails down his bare chest and to the hem of his boxers.

"Well... Not sure how much you'll have left after this" Kendall smirks, lifting Logan's hips off the bed to slide his pants down his hips until they pool at his ankles and he throws them off the bed.

"K-Kendall, I don't... I don't want to have sex... yet"

Kendall smiles softly down at Logan's large, scared eyes, breaking his facade for two seconds to convey with his eyes and his smile that he has no intention of hurting the boy.

He leans down, whispering in his ear soft and sweet, "Logan when we finally have sex I'm going to make it _really _special. I'm going to make love to you all night long, holding you tight and never letting go, whispering sweet nothings and soft moans into your ear and treating you how you deserve to be treated"

Logan starts to smile, his heart starting to beat loudly within his chest, about to lose himself in this moment before...

"But now, is not that time. Now, it is time for you to learn your lesson"

Kendall's mask is back up, moving his lips to Logan's to kiss the boy rough and hard, smirking when Logan starts to strain against his confines and moan loudly into his mouth.

"W-what are you going to do me?" Logan whispers in almost wide eyed fear as Kendall leans back, and it's when Kendall realises that this isn't like the role play he has done in the past with partners, Logan is genuinely scared and utterly submissive.

It makes Kendall's dick throb.

"Hmm I don't know my little bear" Kendall coos, earning the slightest of eyebrow raises at the new nickname _little bear._

"Maybe... Maybe I'll do this?"

Kendall puts his hand swiftly beneath the band of Logan's boxers, wasting no time in flicking his wrist against the already painfully hard erection the brunette is sporting.

"Fu – Kendall!"

Kendall stills, looking up at Logan with almost impossibly wide eyes.

"Logan did you... did you almost swear!?"

"N-no!" Logan stutters, feeling his cheeks turn red under Kendall's excited gaze.

"Do it again! Oh my god!"

"No K-Kendall I can't!"

"Please Logan, if you're worried about sinning I think being tied up on a bed with a guys hand on your dick is probably a bigger sin"

"Don't remind me" Logan mutters.

"Come on" Kendall whispers, quickening the pace of his wrist and lowering his lips to Logan's ear. "Be my bad little boy, swear for me"

"No Kendall I – ugh!"

Kendall stops the movements of his hand, taking it from Logan's boxers all together and making the short boy whine. Kendall merely smirks, bringing his lips to Logan's chest, his stomach, his hips, his thighs; nipping and sucking as he goes and making Logan's back arch sharply off the bed.

Kendall takes the band of Logan's boxers in his fingers, grinning to himself as he pulls down the material painfully slow until Logan's cock springs free.

Logan is almost whining now, unable to comprehend what Kendall is about to do and why he won't hurry the hell up.

Kendall places a light kiss to the tip, smearing pre cum on his lips and licking them as Logan looks down on him with pleading eyes.

"Please, Kendall" He gasps, trying to buck his hips up into the warmth they so desperately crave.

"Hmm" Kendall murmurs, letting his tongue glide agonizingly slowly up his length. "Not until I hear you begging for it"

"B-but Kendall –"

"_Begging _for it"

Logan throws his head back into the pillows, the sounds of pure torture escaping his lips and his wrists trying so desperately to break free. He can't help it, can't keep it in, and knows he will regret the next words that positively rip free from his throat.

"_Please" _He whines, "_K-Kendall... fuck!"_

Kendall grins up at the brunette in pride, like he's a child that's just taken their first baby steps, but Kendall soon wipes that analogy from his mind.

"Fucking love that you swear for me" Kendall grins before wrapping his lips around the head of Logan's cock and almost swallows him whole.

"Fuck!" Logan yells, his pleasure intensified by Kendall's joyful hum around his erection.

Logan feels like his skin is on fire, he's hot, too hot, far too hot. Kendall's mouth works him up and down in such a way that makes him want to sob and scream at the same time, there is no way a mouth should be able to do _that; _there's no way the human mouth was even designed to do that in the first place.

But Logan's not going to complain, fuck, he is definitely not going to complain.

Logan wants to do one of three things.

One: He wants to cover his face with his hands and scream into his palms.

Two: He wants to fist Kendall's dirty blonde hair with his fingers, tugging hard and making said blonde moan in earnest.

Three: He wants to buck his hips up and positively grind into Kendall's mouth.

But right now, all those things are impossible.

The last being made unattainable by Kendall's death grip on his hips, forcing him down. Holding on so tight Logan is going to be tracing, long, finger shaped bruises across his hip bones tomorrow morning.

And he can't wait.

"_Kendall Kendall Kendall" _Logan chants like a prayer, torn between wanting to shut his eyes tight or look down at the tall boy between his legs making him crazy.

To watch his cheeks hollow, to see his eyes watering in the corners as he takes Logan deeper deeper deeper, until soon the noises that fill the room are a combination of moaning, gasping and almost gagging.

Like everything they do, Logan knows this is wrong. _So _wrong. But he figures that even from their first kiss he has destined himself for Hell, so he may as well take the scenic route.

Just when Logan feels like the world is starting to crumble, just when he feels that sweet sweet release start to build from deep within, Kendall comes off his with a pop and a wide grind spread across with his face.

"_Kendall!" _Logan groans, a needy whine emitted from his throat. "K-Kendall don't stop!"

Kendall's cruel, and he knows it.

Everyone knows it.

Logan thinks that even God could see his smirk all the way from here.

But then Logan is also hoping God isn't watching.

"Now now now my sweet boy" Kendall almost purrs. "You didn't think I was going to make it this easy did you?"

Logan's beyond even forming words now as the tip of Kendall's tongue darts out to draw a line up his stomach, his chest, along his collarbones, his jaw; and by the time he has reached Logan's lips the brunette is almost panting.

"I want you so bad Logan" Kendall murmurs against his neck, teeth biting down on the soft flesh. "Need you so bad. Need to be inside you, owning you, possessing you, making you scream my name until your voice is hoarse. Need to feel your nails digging into my back as you come, need to hear my name come screaming from your lips... fuck. I want you"

"_Then take me" _

It's barely a whisper, barely audible, and Kendall has to freeze to make sure he has heard correctly. He looks down on Logan, searching his face for indecision or regret, and see's nothing but adoration, lust and...

No. Kendall refuses to tell himself that Logan loves him, not until the shorter boy says it himself.

Kendall smiles softly, carding a hand through Logan's sweat dampened hair whilst his other hand runs circles across the brunette's stomach and chest. He leans down to kiss Logan gently, lightly nibbling on his bottom lip before he pulls back to look at Logan with sincerity.

"Logan, my love" He whispers, "My beautiful, amazing, incredible love... Yes, I want you. But not like this. Not with your hands tied up to my bed, and when you're so... vulnerable. One day I will have you like this, because I just... Fuck, seeing you like this does almost unspeakable things to me... but not your first time, ok?"

"B-but –"

"Nope. No buts" Kendall says, giving Logan a quick kiss before his signature grin returns to its rightful place on his lips. "What I can do for you though, is make you feel _amazing. _Deal?"

Logan opens his mouth to say yes, but his words a cut off by his own strangled yelp as Kendall's hips snap sharply down into his own, their erections grinding together in the most delicious of frictions. Logan arches off the bed as much as his restraints will allow, trying to let his lips connect with any piece of skin they can see. He latches onto Kendall's neck and sucks hard, letting his tongue and his teeth work together to create a mark that is already a deep purple by the time Kendall has a tight grip on his shoulders and is shoving him back down into the mattress.

"Who says you get to mark me?" Kendall grunts, attaching his mouth to Logan's neck.

Logan knows he should protest, knows that having a shining red hickey on his neck is going to be an absolute nightmare to hide, but Kendall's teeth feel way too good biting down into his flesh to even mutter a word of protest.

Kendall's hips roll into his at a rapid pace, and Logan feels like he is going to burst. This is too much, too intense, too...

"_Fuck"_

"Ugh yes" Kendall groans, finding Logan's lips for a messy kiss, "Swear for me again"

"S-shit" Logan moans, biting down on Kendall's bottom lip.

"_Yes yes yes_"

Logan can almost feel the belts cutting into his wrists now, but he doesn't care, all there is now is the erratic movements of Kendall's hips against his own, and that feeling of almost indescribable pleasure start to rise from within.

"_Fuck!"_

Logan comes with a shout; hard and loud, jerking his hips up into Kendall's heat and feeling his chest rattle and shake. Kendall is soon to follow, practically ploughing Logan into the bed until the whole frame is close to slamming straight into the wall.

"Fuck, Logan, shit, oh my god" Kendall pants, tightening his grip on Logan's hair and forcing his tongue down the small boys throat.

Logan kisses him back hungrily, although his mind tries to remind him that he can still barely breathe.

But Logan doesn't care. As far as he concerned, he can't breathe unless his lips are on Kendall's. And if that's not the case, well then Logan doesn't even want to breathe at all.

Kendall's hips eventually still, and his kiss becomes lazy and soft, until he completely gives up and falls directly down on top of Logan.

Logan grunts in protest, "Kendall, m-move"

"Nope" Kendall sighs contentedly with a smile, wrapping his arms around Logan's neck and shoulders and snuggling himself in further, not even caring there is now cum drying in between their bodies.

"At least untie me from these damn belts?"

"Mmmm... nope"

Logan groans, praying Kendall doesn't just fall asleep on top of him. Because that is surely not going to be comfortable.

But who is Logan kidding; he's never been more comfortable in his life.

* * *

"Well uh, that was fun" Logan says with a slight chuckle as he and Kendall stand in the doorway of 2J.

"You make it sound like a one night stand" Kendall grins, reaching out to absentmindedly play with the zip on Logan's jacket.

"Oh well, yeah but it wasn't so..."

"God... stop being so cute, please"

Logan flushes with embarrassment, dipping his head to avoid Kendall's gaze but Kendall quick cups Logan's chin and keeps his head up.

Logan instinct reaction is to dart his head in the direction of his own home, that never ending paranoia of being caught like a sickness he can't avoid, but Kendall's hold stops him from moving.

"Don't be embarrassed for being cute" Kendall smiles, leaning in for a kiss but Logan holds his hands up to stop him.

"D-Don't"

"Logan... _please..._ I have to kiss you" Kendall begs behind big, green eyes.

Logan is absolute putty under that gaze.

Logan meets Kendall halfway for a kiss that is soft and sweet and Logan wishes it could last forever. He wants to fall into Kendall's embrace, wrap his arms around his neck and kiss him until the sun goes down and beyond. But if he doesn't stop now, he never will.

"Ok ok I'm going now" Logan smiles, placing his hands on Kendall's chest to push him back.

"Ok" Kendall pouts, jutting out his bottom lip and making Logan laugh.

"I'll see you soon alright? I promise. I'll get away when I can"

"I know I know" Kendall sighs, taking Logan's hand in his and lifting to his lips to place a gentle kiss to the smooth skin. "I'll miss you"

"Miss you too" Logan says, before reaching up on his toes to kiss Kendall one last time.

"Please, please go before I drag you back into this house" Kendall smiles against his lips.

Logan takes his palms off Kendall's chest and disconnects any contact they had, and they moment he does he feels... cold.

Logan jumps off Kendall's front porch with skip, turning back more than once to smile and wave at the blonde before he reaches his front door. With one more look into those smiling emerald eyes, Logan shuts the door behind him, feeling like if this was a movie he would slide down the back of the door and giggle like a school girl.

But before he can get lost in any more fantasies and delve into any of his expansive happiness, he is being thrown into the door with a force that makes his back scream in protest.

"W-what?" He tries to gasp, blinking his eyes furiously.

But thinking is once again cut short as a fist connects hard with his face, and if it wasn't for the being pinned to the door he'd be falling to the ground.

Logan finally figures out what's going on, sort of, as he comes eye to eye with Elder Stetson, who is glaring at him with the burning hatred of a thousand suns.

"Elder Stetson!" Logan tries to breathe, "What are you –"

Stetson spits out his next words like a warning, or a threat, the words cold as ice and as cruel as Hell,

_"Your life is over, fag."_


	8. Please

A/N: I'm so upset. Don't look at me. And I know I'm awful at updating. Still love me. Because I love you.

And I'm sad.

* * *

**Chapter 8 - Please.**

When Kendall wakes the next morning he's... happy. He's happy and bright and feels like there's this thud in his chest that is never going to go away. This blissful, relentless_ taptaptap_ of his heart that lets him know he's in love.

The moments he is not with Logan feel empty and cold, and his life has just become one big waiting game until he has Logan in his arms again. He knows that he is crazy, knows that there should be more in his life that he's living for, and there is, but none of it... None of it is like Logan.

None of it makes his heart beat faster and slower at the same time. None of it makes him feel like a fucking teenage girl. None of it is beautiful brown eyes, or soft lips, or tentative fingers that hold his hand so gently... or that little humming bird heart beat that Kendall could pick from a mile away.

None of it is Logan.

Normally Kendall would lay in bed all day, basking in the hot California air and drift in and out of sleep until he had to go to work, but that no longer holds the same appeal. Now he wants Logan's cool, soft pale skin wrapped up in his own. He wants to hold Logan tightly in his grasp and never let go, not saying a word as they simply look into one another's eyes and let the cool breeze from the window roll over their bodies. Kendall wants to kiss Logan, kiss him soft and sweet and gentle and warm and kiss him until they are breathless.

Kendall wants to whisper those three little words against Logan's lips, whisper them over and over until they roll into one sentence. Kendall wants Logan to know with every breath, that he loves him.

That's he's loved him since he first saw him walking up the garden path, his head in the clouds and his heart in his hands. Kendall took his heart silently from his palms that day, and Kendall never wants to give it back.

Kendall will hold Logan's heart in his hands forever, and he needs Logan to know that.

And that's why Kendall finds himself jumping out of bed, pulling on clothes in haste and out the door before he can even blink. He doesn't know what he's going to do or say or if Logan is even going to be home, but it doesn't matter. His heart is leading him to Logan's doorstep and everything is going to be ok...

Kendall knocks.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

Feeling his heart sigh heavily in his chest, Kendall turns to leave, prepared to resign himself to another day of bed and loneliness and want.

Until someone answers the door.

Kendall turns in hope, this quickly diminishing when it's the guy he knows to be Zevon, answers the door.

Kendall's used to receiving not so kind looks from the Mormons across the way, but the look he's receiving now is... It makes Kendall's blood run cold.

"A-ah hi" Kendall stutters, "I was just wondering if –"

"Tell me something" Zevon interrupts, crossing his arms over his chest and using his height on Kendall in what he hopes will probably be intimidation. "Tell me... What was the gain in ruining a young man's life?"

Kendall feels numb.

But he won't believe what he knows is the inevitable yet.

"I-I'm sorry?" Kendall stutters, feeling all the blood drain from his face.

"How is it, that you felt the need to take everything that was good in Mitchell's life, and throw it away? To take everything he is and throw it in the dirt? To... _seduce _him with your wickedness, your..._ lies_."

"I don't... I don't know what you think –"

"Don't even bother" Zevon snarls, "Don't try and pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. You know exactly what you did to him. You took an innocent boy and turned him into something sick and evil and –"

"Hey!" Kendall growls, bawling his fists and feelings his knuckles turn white. "Don't you fucking dare say that shit to me. I never did anything with Logan he didn't want!"

Zevon looks like he's going to be sick, and Kendall can see his hands shaking by his sides. Kendall's ready if this comes to blows.

"Oh please, Mitchell would never have wanted any of this, it's like you put him under your spell. And now you've ruined his life! All so you could have some cheap sex... Why did you do it anyway? Why him?"

Kendall lunges forward and fists Zevon's shirt tightly in his hands, bringing their faces together until their noses are almost touching and Kendall's green eyes are positively burning into Zevon's muddy brown.

"No, I'm not the one who ruined his life" Kendall breathes low and deep, "You did. You and your fucking stupid Church. Logan is happy with me, he _loves _me. I made Logan believe in himself and love himself when no one else would. I held Logan and loved him when no one else would. At first... It was... It was so stupid. This stupid bet I had with my friends for 100 bucks... but that's not the point now. The point is, I would give my life for Logan, and I will love him until the day I die, loving him more and more every single day, so don't you fucking dare tell me that what I had with Logan was all lies, that I "destroyed" him, or put him under some kind of spell. I love him with every single inch my heart has to give, and I swear to God , if you don't tell me where he is, I'm going to punch you so hard, you'll carry the mark with you all the way to Hell"

Kendal can see the fear in Zevon's eyes, and something else too that he can't quite pinpoint. He can see the brunette's Adam's apple bob in his throat as he swallows down his fear, and almost shakes beneath Kendall's touch.

Kendall closes his eyes for just a second, letting his breathing return to semi normal, and trying to compose himself before he looks at Zevon to speak again, this time softer.

"Look... I love Logan. I love him so much it hurts. And if I can't hold him in my arms again, even if just one last time, I don't know what I'll do... Please, you have to understand... he's, he's everything to me"

Kendall won't let himself cry, he won't, he refuses.

"You're Kathy aren't you..."

It's said in barely a whisper, but Kendall's pretty sure he heard it right.

"Kathy?"

"Yeah... the _girl _with the bright green eyes that shine like the sun, the smile with the dimples that make Logan melt... That one that believes in him, supports him... loves him... Damn" Zevon sighs, he's body going slack in Kendall's hold, "You... you really do love him don't you?"

Kendall releases Zevon from his hold, stepping back and letting a sob crashing through his chest as he chokes out, "Yes"

"The airport..."

"Huh?" Kendall breathes, looking up and wiping the tears at the corners of his eyes.

"He's at the airport... They're sending him back to Texas where he'll be dealt with by the Church there. His flight is in about an hour's time I think..."

Without thinking Kendall throws his arms around Zevon in a bone crushing hug, squeezing him hard enough to lift the man off his feet.

"Ok ok enough" Zevon coughs, worming out of Kendall's hold and backing away. But Kendall doesn't care, he's running down the street and to a cab before Elder Zevon can even recompose himself.

* * *

Kendall runs through the airport frantically, checking and double checking and triple checking the signs above his head to help him find any indication of where Logan might be in the absolute chaos that is LAX. There seems to be what feels like hundreds of flights to Texas, but Kendall is going to take a chance, choose a gate and go for it. He knows that God is probably not on his side right now, but it doesn't stop him from praying. It doesn't stop him from letting a few tears slip from his eyes and roll down his cheeks as he runs.

Logan can't leave.

He can't.

"_Flight DJ170 to Dallas is now boarding through gate lounge 21. Could all passengers please make their way to the gate as quickly as possible to ensue on time boarding, thank you"_

The shrill voice on the speakers rings through Kendall's ears like a drum, and his legs are dead now, merely the objects that keep him moving, he's so close, so close.

Kendall can see now, see where he needs to go, see where his legs aren't moving fast enough to get too.

And he sees him.

Kendall would see him anywhere. And he thinks he's yelling now, and pushing people out of the way, but it doesn't matter.

"LOGAN!" Kendall shouts, almost slamming into half the people waiting in line to board.

Logan doesn't turn, but Kendall see's his shoulders stiffen. See's the bag he's holding drop to the ground, and the brunette hair on his head fall and hang low as Kendall hears him start to sob.

"Oh Logan, my love" Kendall almost cries, throwing his arms around Logan from behind and burying his head in the crook of Logan's neck.

Logan puts his arms on Kendall's, pulling him in impossibly tight and feeling the way their silent sobs and cries beat together in simultaneous vibrations through their bodies.

"Kendall Kendall Kendall" Logan breathes in a whisper, like the words are foreign to his lips and he can't believe he is saying them. "Why are you here?"

Kendall leans back so he can turn Logan around, forcing the shorter man to look him right in the eye, and he feels his heart cracking, no shattering, into a million pieces all over the floor.

"Isn't it obvious?" Kendall chuckles breathlessly, with no real humour in his voice. "How could I let you leave me? How could I let you go without even saying goodbye?"

Logan puts his face in his hands, trying to stop himself from collapsing onto the cold ground beneath his feet and let the earth consume him.

"You're making this so much worse" Come the muffled chokes from behind his palm. "You need to let me go"

Kendall takes Logan by the wrist pulling his hand from his face and replacing them with his own. "Let you go? You're insane. Please... please stay with me, don't leave"

"It's not... It's not that easy Kendall!" Logan practically cries, forgetting the hoards of people that surround them. But they don't matter. "Do you have any idea what I'll be doing? I'm already... I'm already in so much trouble as it is"

"Run away with me" Kendall whispers, resting his forehead against Logan's. "Come home with me"

"They'll find me"

"Please, just don't get on that plane..." Kendall begs, the tears rolling down his cheeks freely as he holds Logan so tight. Maybe if he holds tight enough he'll never have to let go.

"Why did you come?" Logan breathes with his eyes closed, "Why did you come for me?"

"Isn't it obvious...? Logan, look at me" Kendall pleads, forcing Logan to open his eyes so swimming emerald and tear stained chocolate can absorb one another. "There's... there's so many things I could say. So many things I want to say. But in the end... I only need three words. Just three..."

Logan holds his breath, his tears suffocating him through his chest as he knows what is sure to come. What is sure to break his heart. What is sure to break his heart in that crushing, shattering, perfect way. What is sure to be the reason Logan will stop running, stop fighting, just... stop.

_"I love you"_

Logan presses his lips quickly and almost desperately to Kendall's. Kissing him in a way he never has before. The next words whisper themselves out against Kendall's lips so broken, so soft, so full of everything Logan will ever want to say but nothing he will ever be able to feel.

_"I love you too"_

But sometimes... sometimes the story books are wrong...

Love doesn't conquer all.


	9. The Piece of Me I Wish I Didn't Need

**A/N: I literally have no words for what you are about to read. There is nothing I can say or do... You'll just have to read it and know that everything in life happens for a reason...**

**The italics are lyrics from the song "Clarity" by Zedd feat. Foxes. Which I might add _Kendall_ tweeted the other day... This might be sad to admit but when I first listened to it, and the second... and the third... I couldn't help but let the tears fall from my eyes. Is it crazy to be completely tearing myself up over a relationship I have no involvement in... Yes... probably... but... Seriously, I can't listen to the song without crying, and I taught myself how to play it on piano and that was stupid and sigh. Ill stop.**

**This chapter may seem like the last... but it's not. And please know that I have so much love for all of you and you'll never know how much your words and support truly mean to me. And you put up with my terrible grammar and spell checking, and that's true love.**

**So thank you, so very very much. **

* * *

**Chapter 9 - You Are The Piece of Me I Wish I Didn't Need.**

Logan shuts his eyes and let a small moan roll from his lips as he savours every single feeling of this moment he can. The feeling of Kendall's hands grasping at his waist, his soft lips trailing across every inch of his neck, and maybe even more important than the physical; his heart

Logan had surrendered himself now, surrendered every part of his being to Kendall and for the first time in his entire life he felt... Free. As he stood in that line waiting to board that plane, ticket in hand and bag firmly over his shoulder he knew that was the end. Knew he would never see Kendall again. Knew he would go home and subject himself to a life of misery. But when he heard his name... At first so faint as if he was dreaming it, he knew his fate was different now. Knew that being with Kendall, was what was right.

As Kendall pulled him close, the tears streaming from his emerald eyes and the pain on his face like a knife through Logan's chest; the brunette finally understood. To leave Kendall would surely cause his heart to shatter, to leave the man he loves... He would surely die.

Logan had flung his arms around Kendall's neck, letting his feet be lifted off the ground as Kendall held him close and tight.

_"I love you I love you I love you"_he had whispered over and over like a prayer, a prayer he wanted to say for the rest of his life.

_"I love you more_" Kendall had whispered in return, making them both smile against each other's lips.

And Logan didn't argue it, but he knew it wasn't true... There could be no way Kendall loved him more than he loved the blonde, and Logan was sure of it.

"Kendall take me away" Logan breathed, clutching at Kendall's shoulders. "Take me away from here, please"

And Kendall did.

Logan didn't question where and Kendall didn't question why; they were together now, and that's all that mattered.

Now, as Kendall has Logan hoisted up against the bedroom wall of their hotel room by his waist, kissing every single inch of his face, Logan feels... Free.

"Please" Logan breathes into Kendall's ear, "I want you, I need you, please"

Without a word, Kendall lifts Logan from the wall, carrying him over to the large California king bed that sits in the middle of the room. Intimidating, white, bare, and where Logan knows everything is truly going to change.

Logan's not nervous anymore, not afraid when he grabs Kendall's shirt by the hem and practically rips it over his head, not afraid when he lets Kendall undo the buttons of his jeans and slide them swiftly down his legs.

It's not long before clothes and inhibitions are left scattered on the floor, Logan laying beneath Kendall and trying to kiss any inch of the boy he can reach. Kendall holds Logan in his arms tight and strong, and he needs Logan to know he is never letting go.

"Logan..." Kendall breathes against the brunettes skin, the sound trapped halfway between want and hesitance.

And Logan knows what he is trying to say just with one word.

So Logan says one word in return.  
_  
"Please"_

Kendall kisses Logan again, and kisses him hard. Kisses him like his life depends on it.

Logan's fingernails drag down Kendall back as he bites down on his bottom lip, making the blonde moan and grind himself against Logan in a way that makes both their brains explode.

"I need this" Logan whispers hot and heavy, pulling Kendall in closer and closer until there is no room to breathe.

"Logan wait" Kendall says quickly, leaning back as much as Logan will allow him.

"No, no more waiting" Logan sighs impatiently, trying to kiss Kendall again before he is stopped.

"You just need to understand Logan" Kendall says gently, "this is going to hurt at first. Really hurt. And I would understand if -"

"Kendall Knight" Logan interrupts, moving his hands to frame Kendall's face. "There is nowhere in the world I would rather be right now, and no _one_ I would rather be with. I need this, and I need you. I need you so badly it aches. And I'm going to need you, for a very long time. All I'm ever going to want is you... I love you Kendall"

"I love you so much" Kendall whispers breathlessly, brushing the hair from Logan's forehead gently before diving down to kiss him hard and sweet.

Logan wraps his legs around Kendall's waist, pulling him in closer, if that was even possible, and now almost panting into his mouth. No more waiting.

"Wait, fuck" Kendall groans angrily, "I don't have anything.."

"What do you – oh" Logan says softly, understand what Kendall is insinuating and giving himself all of two seconds before he says quickly, "it doesn't matter"

"Logan" Kendall sighs, "Yes it does. Especially because it's your first time"

"Kendall I swear to God, if you don't make love to me in the next minute I'll go back to the airport and get on the first plane to Texas"

Kendall laughs, kissing Logan gently as he replies, "good to know it's all about the sex then"

Logan shrugs beneath him, knotting blonde hair tightly in his fingers and urging him forwards, "I trust you Kendall, utterly and completely"

Kendall's breath gets caught in his throat when Logan looks up at him like... that. Looks up at him like Kendall is everything, like Kendall is his hero, his saviour, his essence, the reason he smiles, the reason he breathes, the reason he lives... everything.

"Fuck, Logan" Kendall says, voice almost breaking. "You... You're... Fuck"

Logan smiles, taking one of Kendall's hands in his and lifting it to his face and without a word takes two of the taller man's long fingers in his mouth and starts to suck, hard.

Logan stares up Kendall with big, innocent, doe eyes and Kendall resist the urge to just slam right into Logan this very second.

"How do you – what are you –"

"I'm a smart guy" Logan hums against Kendall's fingers, "I sort of put two and two together"

Kendall bites down on his bottom lip, subconsciously starting to grind against Logan and causing them both to moan.

Kendall takes his fingers from Logan's mouth, letting them trail lightly down the pale boy's torso and feeling his skin shiver from the touch. Kendall let's his hand brush against Logan's length, making Logan buck up into his touch and beg with his eyes for more.

"Ready?" Kendall breathes, earning a quick nod from Logan as his fingers circle the short boy's entrance.

Logan didn't know what to expect, he had no idea, and this was...

"Shit" Logan gasps, letting his back arch off the bed and into Kendall's hold as he tries to adjust to the intrusion.

"It's ok it's ok" Kendall mumbles against Logan's lips, using his other hand to cup Logan's cheek and brush his thumb over the high cheek bone.

"It's fine" Logan almost whimpers, "more"

"Are you –"

"Kendall, please"

Kendall smiles softly at Logan's impatience, adding another finger and beginning to scissor them slowly, whilst continuing to pepper kisses along Logan's jaw and neck to distract him as much as possible.

"Oh my – _yes_" Logan gasps, letting Kendall know he's brushed against his prostate. "Yes, please, Kendall, I'm ready, please"

Kendall stills the movement of his wrist, holding Logan's eyes in his, "Are you sure?"

Logan tilts his head to kiss Kendall gently, tugging at his hair softly before releasing his grasp and moving to clutch onto Kendall's back. "Yes"

Without disconnecting their lips Kendall removes his fingers, biting down on Logan's bottom lip when he feels him wince. Kendall leans back slowly, spitting into his hand and running it up and down his member, causing himself to shudder.

Kendall lines himself up with Logan's entrance but stills for a moment, looking down at Logan and hoping that with his eyes the shorter boy just... knows.

"I love you" Logan whispers almost on cue, giving Kendall a slight nod and letting his eyes fall close and his breath catch in his lungs as he waits.

Kendall takes a deep breath, letting the cool night air fill his lungs before he pushes forward and into Logan's tight, tight heat.

_"Kendall" _Logan chokes, digging his nails into smooth skin and fighting off the obscenities that want to rip their way from his throat.

Logan wasn't prepared for this, not at all.

Kendall stills his hips, burying himself deep inside Logan and just holding there for as long as it takes. Despite the urge to pull back and snap his hips forward at a blinding strength and speed being almost unbearable.

"I've got you, I've got you" Kendall murmurs against Logan's neck, "It's alright"

After a minute, or two, or what could be hours for all Logan knows, he feels his body relax and breathes into Kendall's ear, "move"

Kendall nods shakily, letting his hips bottom out before bringing them thrusting forward slowly and gently.

"Fuck" Kendall moans, "Logan, you're so, so tight"

"Just don't stop" Logan begs, trying to fight the hot tears that threaten to spill, "Don't stop moving"

And Kendall doesn't argue, he has no strength to, instead keeping the steady rhythm of his hips snapping forward and filling Logan in a way in has never been filled before. Physically, emotional, and in a way, spiritually.

"Look at me" Kendall moans breathlessly, Logan opening his eyes to stare into Kendall's with so much affection his heart aches.

Their lips never fail to move to more than two inches from one another, with soft gasps and moans and breathless _"I love you's" _falling from their lips like endless prayers as Kendall moves slow and deep inside of Logan. Holding him tight and strong and letting lips and moans and eyes do everything he needs but will never be able to say.

Logan tries not to cry. Not from pain nor from regret, but from knowing he is no longer in position of his heart. To know that no matter what happens from here, no matter where he goes, Kendall is in complete position of every piece of him.

"Kendall, I, I'm –"

Logan can barely breathe, let alone speak, but Kendall knows what it is he is trying to say, what it is he needs. His hand finding Logan's length between their bodies and beginning to stroke long and in hard in time with his thrusts. Logan can feel his mind beginning to blur at the corners, can feel the way his body tenses and relaxes all at the same time, can feel the way his heart shatters within in his chest when he looks up into Kendall's eyes.

"Let go" Kendall whispers against Logan's lips, "Let it all go. I've got you. I love you"

Logan comes with a cry and shout and a tear, tightening his grip on Kendall's hot, sweaty, shoulders almost painfully and throwing his head back into the pillows. His hands are trembling, his knees weak, and his heart completely broken.

Seconds later Kendall is coming undone, moaning into Logan's neck and biting down gently on the soft salty skin, thrusting once, twice, three more times before he stills and lets his body completely collapse down on top of Logan.

Neither move, neither breathe, neither think as Logan holds Kendall in his arms. He feels the tears roll down his cheeks, but he will forget them.

For now.

_Hold still right before we crash cause we both know how this ends  
A clock ticks till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again_

* * *

Kendall lets his fingers trace the lines and curves of Logan's face, his neck, his shoulders, chest, everything, letting the soft moonlight roll through the window and hit their bodies, bathing them in eerie light.

"You know I was thinking" Kendall whispers, breaking the silence of the darkness like a knife after not speaking for so long.

"And what was that" Logan says in return, taking one of Kendall's hands in his and lifting it to his lips to place a light kiss to the soft skin of Kendall's wrist.

"I want to grow flowers. I want to grow roses, and lilies, and violets... I want to have a little garden, vines running up the walls of the stone brick house. A little courtyard, with every flower of every colour. And maybe a birdhouse I will have built by hand."

"I want a piano" Logan replies softly, "I want to learn how to play. I don't care how long it takes. I want to learn every piece, every melody..."

"I want to fill the walls with pictures, pictures of memories and happiness... of us, Logan."

Logan leans forward to capture Kendall's lips with his own, letting his eyes close and the first piece of his heart break off into nothing.

_Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need  
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why_

"I'm so happy you're here with me" Kendall smiles softly, "I'm never letting you go, you know that right?"

"I know" Logan sighs, resting his forehead against Kendall's and closing his eyes.

Maybe if he closes his eyes to the pain he will no longer be able to feel it.

"Kendall I..." Logan begins, "I need you to know something, and I never want you to forget it... I love you"

"I know, and I love you too"

Logan nods, making sure Kendall can't see his eyes and see the tears that roll silently from them.

"Just... just never forget it ok?"

"You'll just have to tell me everyday then"

Logan nods with a small broken smile, burying his head in Kendall's neck and feeling his heart bleed from within.

* * *

As Logan sits at the desk of their hotel room in the early hours of the morning, he tries to not let his tear filled eyes fall upon the blonde boy that lies in the bed so peacefully... So unaffected by all the pain Logan is and all he will ever be. Instead he tries to concentrate on the paper in front of him and the pen shaking in his hands as he lets his heart bleed onto the starch white paper.

"_Dear Kendall, _

_I can picture us in our little house. I can picture the vines that run on the outside walls. I can picture the flowers, I can smell them; almost taste them on my tongue. I would have learnt the piano Kendall; I would have played you any piece your heart desired... I would have played you a sympthony... We would have a bookshelf, big enough for all my favourite books, filled with all my favourite words. I can see the photos on the walls, see our smiling faces. See the moments we would have chosen to capture forever, I would capture every moment of forever with you if I could Kendall..._

_You are my everything. You have changed my life in a way I will never be able to explain and in a way I will never be able to tell you how truly grateful I am. You fought for me when no one else would, believed in me when no one else would, loved me when no one else would. I need you to know, I need you to understand, every beat of my heart is for you; my heart is yours, forever. I wish... I wish love were easy. I wish I could be everything you need me and want me to be. I wish I could love you forever, and I will... _

_But I can't be with you Kendall._

_I will continue to love you, I will continue to cherish every moment we have shared, and I won't forget a minute. I wish there were an easier way to say goodbye... I wish I had the courage to say it to your face, but I knew you wouldn't let me leave..._

_Kendall, you have to let me go now. But let me go knowing that you will be the only person I will ever love._

_Love me. Forget me. Be happy_

_Love, _

_Your Logan"_

Logan doesn't care for the tears that spill on the pages, doesn't care for his heart that lies shattered and broken on the floor, doesn't care for the life he will live without Kendall.

But a life he must live none the less.

Logan stands from the chair, moving quietly and quickly to the bed to lean down and place the now folded letter on the empty pillow where his head lay not one hour ago.

He loses himself in Kendall, if only for a moment, lets his fingers ghost over Kendall's forehead, his cheek, his slightly parted lips. He kneels down by the side of the bed, letting his tears fall gently as he leans forward to place a broken kiss to Kendall's still lips.

When Logan stands and turns to leave, his heart stops when he feels fingers tighten on his wrist, almost dreading to turn and see Kendall look up at him with broken, pleading eyes.

_Don't speak as I try to leave cause we both know what we'll choose  
If you pulled and I push too deep then I'll fall right back to you_

"L-Logan?" Kendall murmurs, forcing the brunette to turn. "What's going on? Is everything ok? Am I dreaming?"

Logan holds back from breaking down and crawling into Kendall's side and crying so hard he can no longer feel.

But he must be strong.

Logan kneels back down to Kendall's height again, brushing his messy blonde hair from his eyes and knowing that sleep will claim him again any second.

"We're in our little house Kendall" Logan whispers through broken sobs, "We're on our couch, your arms are around me and you're humming a soft tune into my hair. I'm telling you that I love you over and over and everything's... perfect"

"Mm sounds nice" Kendall mumbles, eyes shut and a small smile on his face. "Can we make pancakes for dinner?"

"Sure Kendall" Logan laughs, the sound broken and dead, "Whatever you want"

"Mmkay. Love you Logie"

"I love you too Kendall" Logan breathes into the darkness, "Thank you for saving me"

Logan places one last kiss to Kendall's forehead, letting his tears fall onto Kendall's cheeks and brushing them softly with his thumb.

When Logan stands and disconnects any contact they had he doesn't feel... anything. He is nothing.

As he turns from the bed and moves to grab his bag and jacket he doesn't dare look back. He doesn't dare look back at the blonde green eyed boy who changed his life. The boy who took his heart from the very first dimpled smile, the boy who let him see there was more to life than what he knew, the boy who loved him like no other.

Logan will never forget Kendall; he knows that much to be true. Till the day he dies Logan will remember him, remember every kiss, every smile, every touch.

But that's all they will be, memories.

For now, Kendall has become the happy future Logan will never have.

Kendall is in every future memory that Logan, will never have.


	10. Hold Me

**A/N: I don't know. I just, don't know.**

**This chapter is whatever and I am feeling a bit whatever and whatever.**

**I know what Im going to do with this story now. So it's just getting there, and to get there we need to have a chapter or two like this one. And I'm sorry... :(  
**

**But I love you. And I just posted a oneshot I think you should check out. Literally just 7,000 words of smut. James/Kendall/Logan threesome whatup. Read it. Don't judge me...**

**Ok. Read now. and I love you. Oh I already said that.**

**P.S Have you guys noticed I'm Americanning this up for you? Writing "Mom" instead of "Mum" almost makes me writhe in pain.**

* * *

**Chapter 10 - Hold Me.**

Logan stares up at the sun, it's hot and it's bright but it's different. He had almost forgotten what a Texas sun looked like, and whilst he knows the logic of that is ridiculous, it doesn't change his mind.

He doesn't notice he's completely stopped at a standstill until he is being shoved from behind, muttering words of apology to the plane passengers who push past. Places to go, people to see. Whereas Logan is putting off walking inside that terminal as long as possible.

Logan lets out a deep breath as he steps inside the gate lounge, eyes scanning around him for a familiar face.

And he is met with one.

His instinct reaction is to smile. To wave and laugh and run into the arms of his Mother who he hasn't seen for so long, but the look on her face makes Logan's blood run cold and his feet root themselves to where they stand.

Her face is dead, her matching chocolate eyes cold, and she looks at Logan as though he is no one, as though he is scum. Logan wills his legs to move, tightening the strap of the bag on his shoulder and walking forwards. It takes what feels like forever to finally reach her, weaving through the people and crowds and the hugs and tears of those reunited.

"Hi Mom" Logan breathes, unsure of his own voice.

At first she doesn't say a word, her eyes drifting once, twice, up and down Logan's exterior and remaining lifeless and cold.

"Logan" She says eventually, the tone in her voice making tears spring to the corner of Logan's eyes.

Without another syllable she turns away, Logan giving himself all of two seconds before he starts to follow the woman who he thought was meant to love him unconditionally.

This was his Mother, the woman who had been there for him, had loved him, his whole life. The woman who he trusted like no other, the woman who made him cookies when he was younger, the woman who mirrored his dimpled smile with eyes crinkling when she laughed, the woman who had cried when he got on the plane for Los Angeles, hugging him tight and begging him to be safe.

This was not the same woman.

The drive home is silent, and dead, and Logan doesn't even register the places he knew so well flash past the window. He shuts his eyes, but only for a second, for when they are shut he is met with green eyes and a dimpled smile, and he can almost hear that laugh. Logan shoots a hand to his chest, clutching hard and trying to control his breath, feeling like one more thought spared to the green eyed boy will have his chest falling apart and crumbling to the floor.

His mother glances sideways for a fraction of a second, but she doesn't say anything. She doesn't care for the tears in Logan's eyes or his hand held to his heart.

"We're here" She says bluntly, snapping Logan out of his daydreams as she pulls into the large Texas ranch that Logan once called home.

Logan's been gone for what feels like years, but as he stands here now, it's like he never left. If he feels the hot dry air on his skin and lets it fill his lungs, and lets the memories flood back to him it's like he can almost forget his whole life in L.A.

Almost.

"Is anyone home?" Logan asks in a small voice, taking his suitcase from the trunk of the car and slamming it shut.

"Just Rachel" His Mom replies, reaching for her keys and not even looking at Logan whilst she speaks.

Logan's heart swells, slightly, at the thought of his sister. He had missed her the most, and he knows that to just hear her voice now will help heal some of the pain he has created for himself.

When Logan enters the house, he smells that familiar scent of cinnamon, pine and vanilla; reminding him that he is home.

Logan's Mom throws her bag and keys down on the table before she disappears quickly into the kitchen, and Logan is left to stand there feeling like a stranger in his own home.

He hears a door close from down the hall and holds his breath, hearing footsteps come closer and closer until a girl rounds the corner into the living room to stand directing opposite him.

Rachel Mitchell.

She's just like Logan remembers, not that she would have changed much in a year, but her silky brown hair remains long, her skin pale and her eyes sparkling.

"Rach" Logan breathes, moving forward to wrap his arms around his twin and never ever let go.

But she stops him.

"Hi" She says bluntly, lifting her hands up to stop him from coming any closer.

Logan's heart dies in his chest, taking in her cold features that match his Mother's, but anger being matched with completely and utter disappointment.

"H-how have you –"

"How could you Logan?" She interrupts, "How could you do this to our family?"

Logan's voice dies in his throat, and Rachel continues to speak.

"Do you realise what you've done? I thought I knew you Logan... You're my brother and I... I thought... I don't know. I can barely even stand to look at you, can't stand to think of you as the twin who I have shared so many Birthday's with, so much laughter, so much happiness... I can't stand to think of you like that now that I know what you've been doing, and _who _you've been doing. I just... how could you?"

Logan doesn't attempt to wipe at the soft tears that fall, he simply stands there and watches the girl who he thought would love him no matter what.

And it's then Logan realises; he truly has no one in this world anymore.

* * *

The phone rings. And it rings. And it rings. On and on in drones, the sound loud and mocking, trying to force Kendall to answer it, to give in.

"Shut. Up!" Kendall grunts, burying his head under his pillow and willing the sound to stop.

It doesn't.

Kendall groans, turning over and reaching out for the phone that has remained on the bed side table for what feels like an eternity.

He doesn't need to look at the screen to know who is calling.

"Hi" He mumbles, closing his eyes and lifting a hand to his face.

"_Kendall! Fucking hell, finally. What the fuck man? I was about a day away from calling the cops and fucking filling a missing persons report. Where the hell are you? I know Logan got kicked out, I know they know, and I swear to God Kendall, if you've run away with him and you've just left me without so much as one word of goodbye, I will kick your face in"_

"James" Kendall sighs, rubbing his tired eyes.

"_No, don't you 'James' me. I've been worried sick for a fucking week Kendall, where are you?"_

"He's gone" Kendall whispers, feeling that familiar lump that has never really left, form in throat.

"_What are you –"_

"He left me, James" Kendall says softly with a sob, reaching out to the empty side of the hotel bed to grab the now near destroyed piece of paper he has been clutching for nearly a week.

"_Kendall where are you? I'm coming to get you"_

Kendall doesn't bother fighting anymore, instead muttering out the hotel and shutting the phone before rolling over in bed and letting the sobs consume him.

* * *

Kendall didn't even realize he'd fallen back asleep until he feels a strong pair of arms wrapped around his middle. He opens his eyes with a start, relaxing when he is met with familiar hazel.

"How did you get in?" Kendall mumbles, wrapping his arms around James and pulling himself in closer, wanting to cry from the warmth and security he had so desperately been craving.

"The door was unlocked Kendall. You know that's very dangerous?"

"Whatever" Kendall replies, his voice cracking as he buries his head into James' strong chest and let's his sobs consume him.

"Oh Kendall" James sighs, his voice laced with pain and concern for his best friend.

James doesn't speak after that, simply holding Kendall and letting the blonde boy stain his shirt with his tears. They lay like that for awhile, James letting Kendall get it all out of his system before he starts to ask questions.

"What happened?" James asks softly, after what feels like forever, playing with the matted strands of Kendall's hair and running smooth circles into his back.

"He left me" Kendall whispers into James' shirt, clutching at the material. "He left me James"

"Logan?"

Kendall almost scoffs. "Who else?"

"Tell me"

"He... he... Well, fuck, I don't know. I went to see him, and he had gone, I knew they had found out and they were sending him home. I went to LAX and stopped him. I told him I loved him and that I wanted him to stay, and he said yes. And it was beautiful and amazing and incredible and we came here and... ugh, James, it was perfect. We had sex, and held each other afterwards and talked about our future together. Talked about the little house with the flowers out the front and the piano and the photos and –"

Kendall lets the tears consume him once more.

"James, he told me he loved me, so many times. He held my hand in his and said that he was mine, forever..."

"So what happened?" James whispers, pulling Kendall back slightly to look into his eyes and raising a hand to his cheek to brush away the tears.

"When I woke up in the morning, I reached out for him, to pull him back into my arms, and he was gone. When I opened my eyes I saw a single piece of folded paper sitting on his pillow, and it was like... it was like I already knew"

Kendall moves out of James' strong hold for a second, reaching behind him to get the now crumpled and tear stained letter and put it into James' hands.

James reads it slowly, and Kendall can see that with each word he reads his heart breaks. He doesn't want to break James' heart.

"Oh Kendall, I'm so sorry" James cries softly, pulling Kendall into him and kissing his cheeks where the tears have fallen.

"I don't know what to do James" Kendall whispers, kissing James in return. "What am I supposed to do without him?"

James can't answer that, he knows there is nothing he could say to help Kendall right now, instead he presses their lips together and kisses Kendall soft and sweet.

Kendall kisses him back, savouring the taste of James on his lips and finding his hand to intertwine their fingers.

"Don't leave me James" Kendall whispers against the brunette's lips, "I couldn't handle it if you ever left me, please"

"I won't leave you" James whispers in return, "I promise. I love you."

And Kendall knows there is no lie in his words.

He thought that Logan wasn't lying when he told Kendall the same, told him that he loved him and would never leave, but there was always a part of Kendall that knew...

Knew that they were never going to be, and now, he must let Logan become a memory.

But he doesn't know if he can.


	11. Numb

**A/N: I need to give you some sort explanation for what you are about to read.**_  
_

**But I can't. **

**You just... You just have to take it for what it is and still love me at the end... ok?**

**I wish I could say more but I'm actually crying pretty hard and I need to clear my head. Need to curl up under the covers of my bed and give in to the tears and pain. It's pretty bad.**

**Alright so... I'm not going to say "enjoy" like I usually do, because I know you won't enjoy it. **

**Only one or two more chapters after this ok guys? Just keep that in mind... We're nearing the end. **

**This chapter is titled after the song "So Cold" by Ben Cocks. And I really recommend you listen to it. Im going to put a link to it on my tumblr. smilelikeschmidt**

**k.**

**Love you.**

**The beginning bit is like a preface for the end of the chapter.**

* * *

** Chapter 11 - Numb.**

_Logan Mitchell had often wondered about how he would die._

_He always imagined himself old, frail, in a bed somewhere surrounded by the ones that he loved. He wanted to live a long life he could be proud of; he wanted to have people who were proud of him, he wanted to be remembered, to be loved._

_He wanted a hand on his, a tired hand curling around his almost lifeless fingers. He wanted lips pressed to his own; he wanted to hear "I love you" whispered to him, just for him._

_He never thought he would die alone._

* * *

Kendall had been staring at the ten little digits on the piece of paper for what felt like days now. They were teasing him, haunting him, asking to be dialled, and he was quite frankly losing the will to fight. He just... he didn't know what to say. It had been so long, as if everything was almost a dream now, as if Logan's finger tips had never grazed his skin, as if soft lips had never been pressed to his own, and Kendall felt like with each day he was slipping further away from the past.

And he wouldn't let that happen.

Shaky fingers dial the numbers, lifting the phone to his ear and feeling his breath increase with every ring.

"_Hello?"_

The voice is not the one he was hoping for, but that doesn't stop him from holding his breath in his lungs and letting them scream.

"_Hello is anyone there?"_

"Hi, yes, sorry" Kendall breathes out quickly, "I was wondering if I could speak with Logan Mitchell please"

"_Oh I'm sorry; Father Mitchell is down at the Church right now"_

_"_ No ah, um, I think I mean his son?" Kendall feels stupid for not knowing Logan had the same name as his father. There was so much Kendall never learned...

The line is silent, dead, and Kendall's about to think the woman hung up, until her soft words come back through the receiver.

_"Who's this sorry?"_

Kendall coughs. "A friend from L.A"

"_A friend? Were you one of the Elders in Logan's missionary?"_

"No" Kendall almost whispers. "My name's Kendall, I lived next door to your son... I was just –"

"_Look here you sick bastard" _The voice comes almost growling through the phone. "_Logan has no desire to talk to you, not now, not ever, so I would appreciate it if you had the decency not to call us at our home."_

The line goes dead before Kendall can say another word.

* * *

"Who was that Mom?" Logan asks softly, moving the peas around on his plate as his Mom retakes her place at the dinner table.

"Um, n-no one. Nothing important" She mutters, picking her fork up before letting it clatter back down and her head drop.

Logan doesn't say a word when she starts to sob softly, simply looks down at his food that holds no interest. Nothing holds interest anymore. Not the hot sun he used to love on his skin, not the stars that shine bright in the Texan sky, not the taste of the ice cream from the place he always loved as a child... it all meant nothing now. Logan, was nothing.

"So I guess Dad's not coming home tonight?" Logan says, trying to make some form of conversation, even though he knows the answer.

"Ah, no" His Mom replies, flustered. "He got held up at work"

Logan nods; he knows it's a lie. Knows his Father doesn't come home because of him. Knows his Dad can't stand to even look at his face. And if Logan's being honest, no one in his family can.

"Oh. So what do you –"

"Are you done with that?" She snaps, standing abruptly and moving round the table to snatch Logan's plate out from underneath him.

Logan doesn't say a word, let's her walk away and pretends he doesn't hear her mutter of "I don't know why I bother anymore"

Logan drops his head down onto the table, letting his cheek hit the cool surface and his finger nails would be digging into the wood if they could. He hates this. He hates every second.

He wants to leave. Needs to leave. He feels like he is suffocating, as if every day the space he is in is getting smaller and smaller; squeezing his lungs tight until he can't breathe.

But it's not that.

It's not the way his family looks at him in disgust – if they even look at him at all – or how he feels like a stranger in his own home, or how he's been stripped of his Priest hood by his Church, or how he doesn't know what he's going to do with the rest of his life...

It's Kendall.

He wants Kendall. He _needs_ Kendall. He needs those long arms around him, needs to hear that slow and steady heart beat, needs that soft breath on his skin.

He needs...

Kendall.

Logan thought it would be better for everyone if he came home, and in some ways, he still believes that. In the end, all Logan really wanted was for Kendall to be happy.

And he hopes that he is. Hopes that Kendall has gone back to his life before Logan. One full of partying and sex and fun and everything Kendall is and wants. And whilst it hurts, whilst it makes Logan's heart bleed out onto the floor, he hopes Kendall has forgotten about him.

Logan would forget about himself if he could.

_"MOTHER OF – DAMN IT!"_

Logan's head shoots up from the table, hearing plates smash and his mother curse from the kitchen.

When he peers his head around the door, he sees his Mom on the floor, picking up the pieces of a smashed plate and the tears falling from her eyes.

"Mom..." Logan says softly, leaning against the door frame and crossing his arms.

"Yes Logan?" She mutters, not looking up from the floor.

"Mom?" He says again, voice so close to cracking.

"What Logan?"

"Nothing" Logan sighs, "I just wanted to see if you could bring yourself to look at me"

Joanna almost throws the smashed plate back onto the floor, taking a deep breath before she lifts her gaze, locking their mirrored chocolate eyes as she stands.

"I'm looking at you Logan" She says with a tired voice, "What am I supposed to be seeing?"

"Nothing" Logan murmurs before turning away, but stopping when he hears her speak, voice so soft he almost misses it.

"His name was Kendall wasn't it?"

"What?" Logan replies, turning to look at his Mother. "What did you say?"

"Kendall... He was the _man_ wasn't he?"

Logan brings a hand to his face, covering his eyes and feeling the storm start to rattle in his chest. All he can do is nod, nod and let a single tear slip from the corner of his eye.

"What did he _do_ to you?" His Mom asks, her voice dripping with disgust, forcing Logan to remove his hand and hold her gaze.

Logan lets out a long, shaky breath. Dropping his head before looking up at her through thick dark lashes, the smallest of smiles play on his lips as he whispers, "loved me. He loved me, Mom"

"Don't say that!" She snaps, throwing the broken plates into the sink with a smash. "Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Do you know how repulsive that is to God? To everyone!? Two men? Men don't... men don't _love, _Logan!"

"Mom, he told me he loved me" Logan says softly, he's not going to let her words get to him, he's not.

"He would have said anything just to seduce you! Would have done anything just to get his cheap thrills, to claim his conquest!"

"You don't know that!"

"Yes I do Logan!" She yells, "And you know how I know? When you didn't come home on time I called your Mission President in L.A, because I just... I _knew, _your flight wasn't delayed, I knew something was wrong. And do you know what he told me Logan? One of your missionary companions, Elder Zevon, told him that Kendall person? You were nothing more than a bet he made"

"W-what? That's... that's not true" Logan whispers, starting to shake his head. "That's not true"

"Yes it is Logan, you were just a bet. He won your soul for a lousy one hundred dollars. You meant _nothing _to him. Nothing at all. Just another challenge, another mark on his bed post. And you know what? He's probably forgotten all about you and moved on to his next victim"

Logan places his hands over his face, the tears falling now and the pain slicing through his chest like a knife.

"That is why, you can't ever even think about him again" She says cries almost pleadingly, walking up to Logan and grabbing the front of his shirt in her small fists. "Never again Logan, you must forget about him. You have to put this horrible, _horrible _thing behind you, this horrible mistake that everyone knows about! You've seen how they look at us! How they just turn around in the street, or how no one will look at us at Church... Why do you think your father doesn't come home anymore?"

"What if, w-what if not's something I've done?" Logan cries softly, "What if this is who I am Mom?"

Joanna doesn't hesitate in removing her hands from his shirt, quick to strike Logan across the face with her palm and have him staggering to the side. He shoots a hand to his cheek, looking at his Mother in shock.

"Don't say that!" She almost screams, "Don't you ever even think that!"

Logan feels himself falling away, feels himself becoming slowly more and more disconnected as each second passes. He needs to make this all stop.

When his Mom clutches his shirt again he stills, letting the tears run silent as she looks at him in pain and the tears of her own falling hard and fast. "Maybe..." She whispers, "Maybe you can be forgiven... Maybe Heavenly Father can forgive you for what you've done; but who you _are? _He could never forgive something like that... I hope it was worth it Logan. I hope loving someone who never loved you back was worth it."

Logan can't take it anymore, not another word. He moves from her touch, almost running to his bedroom and slamming the door shut. He doesn't cry, not anymore, for him to cry he would have to feel, and he doesn't feel anything anymore.

His heart is dead, gone. It's on the floor, smashed into pieces he can't even attempt to pick up. And he doesn't want to. What's the point? What's the point in attempting to have happiness when he will never truly have it?

Logan was keeping strong, holding on, holding on with the thought of Kendall. His heart was telling him, deep down, that Kendall would never forget, that Kendall would always love him. He had given Kendall his heart, his to hold, and went to sleep at night knowing that Kendall was keeping it close, but now?

One hundred dollars.

That's all he was.

It should hurt more. He should be screaming, crying, yelling. He should be pounding his fists on the wall, demanding answers. But what are the questions?

Did Kendall care about him?

No.

Did Kendall mean every word he said?

No.

Did Logan throw away his life for a boy who never truly loved him?

Yes.

Everything Logan let himself believe in was a lie. His family was a lie, his religion was a lie, Kendall was a lie, and love; love was a lie. Logan thought that he was meant to be someone destined for good things, someone who was meant to be happy and make his family proud. He thought that he had found something in his life that was more than he knew, he thought that Kendall was going to be everything... he thought Kendall was everything. He thought that every smile, every laugh, every kiss... he thought it meant more.

But now, as he lays here with his head in his hands and his heart shattered on the floor he realises there was no use ever believing in anything. There is nothing to believe in any more, and he's sick of trying.

Logan's heart is bleeding, and the scars are never going to heal.

So maybe it's time... to just...

Make it stop.

When he stands in front of the mirror of his bathroom he takes a deep breath, letting the sink fill with hot steamy water, letting the glass fog and his face disappear into the darkness.

With trembling fingers, Logan brings the razor to his wrist, pressing the blade deep to his skin and dragging upwards. It should hurt, he should cry, he should scream, he should stop...

But he can't.

He digs deeper, drags longer, and as his eyes shut he is met with emerald. He can see Kendall, see him smiling, see him happy.

"You're going to be so happy" Kendall's voice whispers through his head, "Remember Logan, death is just the second adventure. And I'll meet you there, we can be happy, together"

"I love you Kendall" Logan whispers into the ever growing darkness, feeling the blade slip from his fingers and his body fall to floor.

And as Logan fades, as he melts away into nothing, he feels Kendall's breath on his skin, feels his fingers twined in his own, and in this moment; Logan is content. He is at peace. And before the darkness consumes him, he hears it, so soft, so quiet, and all in his head.

_"I love you too, Logan"_


	12. I Wish I Could Have Said Goodbye

**A/N: Um... yeah... only a couple more chapters left. I love you all. **

**And I'm waiting with hugs and hot mugs of tea if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on...**

**This chapter is a bit jumpy because there's a few different sections. The first bit is just a thing that I dont even know what it is... The italics are a flashback from when Logan was still in LA. Remember it jumped like 6 months at one point? So this is from during that six months.**

**And then yeah the end... Ugh. Bye.**

* * *

**Chapter 12 - I Wish I Could Have Said Goodbye**

When Kendall Knight was little, his Grandmother had always told him one thing. She would take his hands in hers tightly, stare right into his eyes and say gently, "you can be anyone you want to be Kendall, anyone at all. You must do what makes you happy"

So that's when Kendall decided that's exactly what he would do; be happy. He'd told his gran that with a smile, dimpled cheeks showing as he would say, "well, I want to be happy, that's what I want to be!"

She had laughed at his childhood naivety, giving him a big kiss on the cheek and telling him to run along and play. But, Kendall always kept that promise to himself and his Gran. Even when she died, her hand held his again, just like it always did, but this time weak and frail as she whispered, "never stop being happy Kendall".

Kendall had always done what made him happy, always, but he didn't realise what true happiness was until he met Logan.

Logan had changed everything.

Kendall thought he would be the one to change Logan, to open his eyes to a world of chances and possibilities, but Kendall had realised that he was the one missing out. To have Logan's lips on his, to feel those small hands in his own, to be in love... it was unlike anything Kendall knew. Kendall began to live for that smile, those dimples. He began to live for just the simple things, like the way Logan would say his name. Kendall could listen to Logan talk all day, and often more times than not he would just get Logan to speak. About nothing important as such, just words. The countless times they lay in bed, Kendall's head rested on Logan's chest, he would make the brunette say his name.  
_"Kindle"_ Logan would whisper in his southern twang, running his finger tips through Kendall's hair. Kendall would tilt his head, pressing his lips to Logan's throat as he said those words, the sound vibrating onto his skin and making his hands shake.

And now, now Kendall wasn't happy.

He needed Logan, needed him in a way he had never needed anything before. His arms ached, his stomach hurt, his throat was dry, and he felt like someone was dragging a knife through his chest, pulling and scrapping and twisting and pushing until he couldn't breathe. Kendall could imagine this is what drowning felt like. Like gasping for air when there is none. Like screaming when no one can hear you. Like seeing the surface, seeing the sun peek through the waves, but you're caught in darkness, caught in the crushing black that drags you further and further down when all you want to do is breathe.

Kendall just wants to breathe.

* * *

_Kendall watched Logan in fascination. Which, wasn't exactly something that was out of the norm, but today he had reason. Sort of._

_Logan's toes dip into the sand, his face calculating the feeling, his lips forming a gasp when the water runs around his ankles and making his feet disappear. It's like he's trying to figure it all out, as if where he is, is somewhere that is new, foreign. And in a way, it is._

_"Don't be scared" Kendall smiles, grabbing Logan's hand in his and squeezing gently._

_Logan turns his head to smile at Kendall in return, his hand tightening its grip as he takes a deep breath. "I'm not. It's just... I mean I know how to swim, but, I've never even been to a beach before"_

_"Well, that's why I figured it would be an absolute crime for you to be living in California and not go to the beach at least once"_

_"Always looking out for me" Logan grins, faltering a little when the water rises higher._

_"Come on" Kendall whispers, turning until his back is to the ocean, taking Logan's other hand in his own and pulling him forward, "I won't let anything happen to you"_

_And Logan knows that. He's always known that. With Kendall's hands locked in his, Logan could do anything, be anything, he would follow this boy anywhere and never look back._

_When Logan starts to walk forward, it's unlike anything he's ever experienced. His feet sink into the sand, yet, he doesn't fall, and as the water rises higher and higher on his skin; he shivers._

_"Cold?" Kendall chuckles, the water starting to swim around their waists._

_Logan shakes his head, but his trembling lip gives him away._

_Not letting go of Logan's hands, Kendall starts to sink backwards, pulling Logan with him until they are plunged deeper and deeper, water wrapping around their chests, their shoulders. Kendall pulls Logan into him, snaking his arms around the shorter boy and gripping at his back as much as the water will allow. Without thinking, Logan's legs find themselves wrapped around Kendall's waist, the water making the action light and easy._

_Logan feels like he should be falling, like the physics don't add up and they should be dragged under. But Kendall's got a hold of him, and he's not letting go any time soon._

_"You ok?" Kendall breathes, their skin so close he can taste honey and mint on his tongue; can taste Logan._

_Logan brings his hands to Kendall's face, framing it perfectly, softly, gently, holding him like he is glass. And he's giving Kendall that look, that one that screams trust, and care and... love._

_All he can do is nod, unspoken words of yesyesyes pouring from his eyes. So many things, so many things he wants to stay, to do, to feel._

_"Kiss me" Logan whispers, the sound trapped halfway through need and desperation._

_Kendall holds Logan's eyes, the water dripping down his cheeks from Logan's hands, and closes the gap that separates them._

_When Kendall kisses Logan it's gentle, but it's sure, it's that press of lips that lifts them, that makes them feel like they are more than just two floating entities in the soft waves of the Pacific ocean._

_When Logan leans back to look at Kendall; he knows. It's in this moment; he knows he is in love. Maybe the stars should align or fireworks should go off or all that other stuff Logan had read about in his story books. But really... really, this is simple. Because Logan just knows, knows it like its the most effortless thing in the whole world. Knows that he is in love with everything Kendall is, and everything he will ever be. The words linger on his tongue, the three simple words that seem so easy, but Logan swallows them._

_It can wait._

_They have forever._

* * *

Joanna Mitchell will never forget the first time she saw her son cry.

Truly cry.

There were always tears over scraped knees and stolen toys and childhood fears of the monsters that go bump in the night.

But to truly cry, to let the tears wash down your cheeks like rain, to let the pain slip its way through to your heart; that day is etched right into the deepest corners of Joanna's chest.

Logan had been seven, maybe eight, the weight of the world not yet on his shoulders. It was in the middle of summer, the air sticky and hot, and she had found Logan, down by the lake that ran beyond their back yard. With his head fallen in his little hands, and the tears cascading down his pale cheeks.

"Logan honey!" She had almost cried, "Logan baby what is it?"

She sat down on the grass, scooping the small boy into her arms and holding him to her chest like she would when he was just a baby. He cried, and he cried and cried, letting the tears soak through her shirt and stain her skin.

"Logan, sweetie, tell Mommy what's wrong"

"I-it I-it it's the – t-the bunny!"

"The bunny?" She said softly, taking his face in her hands and searching in his eyes for the story.

"Y-yes the b-bunny" He hiccupped, "he's dead!"

"Oh pumpkin, what bunny?"

"That one!" Logan cried, pointing his hand to his right as he continued to sob.

Joanna had glanced quickly to the side, a small brown rabbit lying lifeless and still in the grass by the water's edge.

"Shhh shhh" Joanna whispered, pulling the crying boy back into her arms and rocking him back and forth. "It's ok sweetie, sometimes these things happen"

"N-no but, I should have tried to help him!" He sobbed, "I s-saw him still moving and then he just s-stopped and it's all my fault!"

"Logie it's not your fault" She had tried to hush, "there's nothing you could have done"

"B-but but but" He choked, "God always tells us t-to help those in need and I didn't help and it's because of me it d-died and now God is going to hate me!"

Joanna placed his wet cheeks in her hands again, looking into swimming chocolate as she had spoken her next words, soft and important. "God will never hate you Logan, he forgives us for the mistakes we make, and this wasn't your mistake"

"B-but –"

"No honey, God loves you, and most of all, _I _love you"

"Oh Mommy" Logan cried, wrapping his arms around her neck and falling into her shoulder, "I love you too"

"Mommy will always love you Logie Bear, no matter what"

Joanna didn't realise she had started to cry until she felt her husband's strong hand wrap around her shoulder as she leant forward against the kitchen counter.

"Joanna" He barely whispers, "It's going to be ok"

She doesn't turn, doesn't move except for reaching to her shoulder to clasp her husband's hand in her own and if she clasps too tight, he doesn't complain.

"No it's not Peter" She chokes out, her tears swallowing the sound. "Nothing is ok"

He squeezers her shoulder gently before letting go, muttering out a broken, "I'm going to go to the Church"

Joanna spins quickly, looking into her husband's muddy brown dead eyes. "But, Pete we just, our son, we just got back from, f-from –"

"I know. I just can't be in this house right now Jo, not after..."

She nods in understanding, not blaming her husband for wanting to rid the sadness that plagues the house.

As soon as the front door slams, she breaks down, falling to the floor and burying her face into her hands as she cries, and truly cries. Just like her little Logan had done all those years ago.

Her little Logan who should have never grown up. Why couldn't he have stayed young and innocent? Why did he have to be exposed to this world? And Joanna knows, knows it's all her fault. She would give anything to see Logan smile... just one last time. She can't remember the last time he did, maybe when she told him she loved him at the airport, just before he went away. But to know, she is never going to see that smile again... it makes the past almost a memory. It makes Birthday parties, water fights in the backyard, bedtime stories, bandaids on elbows and every dimpled smile seem like it happened to someone else. Like Logan was someone else's son.

But he wasn't. He was her son, and she forgot that.

She wishes she never had.

When the phone starts to ring she considers ignoring it, but with each shrill her anxiety grows, she needs the sound to stop. She needs it all to stop.

She doesn't get off the floor, instead reaching above the counter to find the offending noise with her hand before bringing it to her face. She wipes her cheeks, taking a deep breath and pulling her knees to her chest before pressing the answer button.

"H-hello?" She murmurs, her voice cracking.

" _Mrs Mitchell! It's Kendall. I know you don't want Logan to talk to me, I understand, but –"_

"You" She whispers, depression turning to anger, "how dare you call this house, h-how dare you"

"_Mrs Mitchell, I need to talk to Logan, please I –"_

_"_Listen h-here" She stutters, "Because of you, my son, because of you -"

She stops. The cries ripping through her chest and leaving her speechless, leaving her gasping for air and the inability to breathe.

"It's because of you, my son... my soon took a razor to his wrist. It's because of you... my son is dead"


	13. Don't Cry For Me

**A/N: Oh dear lord it has been way too long since an update. And all I can say is sorry. Sorry for so many things...**

**So I shall shush and you can read. And you're going to punch me and get confused probably but, thats ok.**

**Please ask me anything that might confuse you... especially about the end...**

**I love you all so much! Ok. I do. And just**

**yea**

**so much love.**

* * *

**Chapter 13 - Don't Cry For Me.**

The sun is probably what wakes Kendall first, but he can't be sure. It's either that, or the small cold nose that's nuzzling against his cheek and the warm breath over his neck.

"Wake up sleepy head"

"Ngh-no" is all Kendall can grumble, reaching out for the covers to pull up over his eyes and escape this horrific torture. Because yes, he counts soft lips being pressed to the hard line of his jaw a torture, with fingers tracing the lines and nonexistent patterns over his chest.

"I love you" The voice whispers, and despite himself, Kendall smiles.

He peeks one eye open, unable to stop himself from almost melting into the sheets when he is met with Logan's bright grinning face mere inches from his own.

"Hi" Kendall murmurs sleepily, wrapping his hands around Logan's small waist to pull him onto his chest and bury his matted blonde hair in the brunette's warm neck.

Logan laughs, leaning back slightly to look into Kendall's eyes, the bright emerald never failing to make his heart beat just that little bit faster as he brushes Kendall's sleep riddled hair from his forehead. "Hi" Is all he can say, looking down on Kendall with that particular fondness and adoration that never leaves him when he looks at the taller male.

"Hi" Kendall says for the second time, making them both laugh as they roll over between the sheets until Logan is pinned gently underneath him and his forearms rest on either side of the brunette's head.

Kendall loves making love to Logan like this, holding him sweet and slow and gentle as he rocks his hips back and forth. The effortless giggle that escapes Logan's lips and the grin that shows before the morning light has even hit his eyes. The whispered _"I love you"_ over his ear as their ankles lace together at the bottom of the bed, poking out from beneath the covers and pressing together to keep warm.

Of course Kendall whispers _"I love you"_ back, gripping at soft brunette hair as their noses bump together and their eyes lock, Kendall using the opportunity to capture Logan's mouth in a kiss as his small pink lips part in a pleasured gasp.

And when it's over, Kendall holds Logan maybe even closer than he had minutes prior, letting their breaths even out to one steady rhythm as fingers tangle in hair and legs tangle in the sheets. Sometimes they speak, soft words of nothing and love and forever, and sometimes they don't... but either way, it all means one thing; they have each other now, and they're never letting go.

"Hey Kendall..." Logan muses quietly, earning himself a gentle "mm?" in return. "I was thinking that maybe we -"

...

Kendall almost screams when his eyes fly open, one arm reaching out to brace the chair in front of him as the plane shudders and shakes whilst landing. He can't breathe. He can't. Every drop of air being stolen from his lungs as the dream he was just having burns in front of his eyes.

A dream.

No.

It couldn't have been. It felt so real. He could feel Logan beneath his finger tips, could almost taste him on his tongue from when he pressed their lips together...

No.

He thinks that maybe the lady with the red hair in the chair next to him is staring into the side of his head at his sudden outburst, but it doesn't register. He squeezes his eyes shut, so tight that he sees stars, hoping that _this _is the dream, hoping that he has not just touched down in Texas for an event he never in his life hoped he would ever have to attend.

Logan's funeral.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Wimberley, where the weather is a sunny 81 degrees and the time is eleven fourteen a.m."_

This isn't a dream, nor is it a reality, because for Kendall; it's a nightmare.

Kendall takes a deep breath as he steps off the plane, letting the cool crisp air fill his lungs in a way that makes his chest ache. He's not going to cry, not now, not now that he's here. Because he needs to be strong, be strong for... _him. _Kendall hadn't even dare let himself think the name since that phone call five weeks ago.

And yet, he's lying.

Of course he thought of the name, thought of him. Thought of everything he was, everything he said, everything he did... All those whispered promises and those secret smiles that only Kendall got to see. And sometimes when Kendall thinks about it, he screams, letting the guilt and the pain consume him until he is left broken in his spot beneath the covers Logan used to share with him.

Logan.

That name.

Kendall doesn't care to say words of apologies to the passengers who try to push past him as he stops in the middle of the walk way, instead moving himself to the side to clutch at the thin metal railing that holds no real support. Because, it hurts; physically. It grips at his lungs until he can't breathe, until it pulls him under and there is nothing left to fight for anymore. Kendall thought about giving up, mentally, countless times. Just to shut it all off and live his life as if none of this had ever happened. But of course it did. And no matter how hard he tries to forget, he never will; Logan's name etched on his heart until the day he dies.

Kendall wonders if his name was etched on Logan's heart the day he died, wonders if in his final moments he whispered out words that Kendall will never get to hear as the darkness took him. Whilst there is the part of him the screams and cries and bleeds out onto the floor over what happened, the other part wishes that Logan is happy now. Wishes that Logan found his peace.

It had taken Kendall days, if not weeks, to figure out where the Mitchell's lived. He knew the state and he knew the town, and he knew that Logan had a small creek that ran behind his home... that in the summer he would go to the water as a child and try to scoop up tadpoles in his little hands... He knew that at night time the sound of the crickets made Logan happy, that the moon hung bright in the sky and illuminated the willow tree in his backyard, and that... that one day Logan wanted to take Kendall there... wanted to take his hand and kiss him under the stars beneath the willow tree...

But that didn't tell him an address.

Eventually he had found it, calling countless numbers in Logan's area and trying not to sound like a total stalker when he asked where the Mitchells lived. But now, he was here, and this was real and happening and Kendall can't breathe again.

Kendall knows it's crazy, insane even, but he almost feels... closer, to Logan here. He even almost smiles when the cab drives past the small ice cream shop on the main road, picturing a little Logan Mitchell holding his Mom's hand as he ate the ice cream that dripped down onto his small fist under the hot summer sun.

And it really is a nice town. Kendall can see that now. All those times spent lying in bed and mocking the boy when he would talk about how much he loved home... And now, Kendall regrets that.

But Kendall regrets a lot of things.

Kendall's breath hitches in his throat when the cab comes to a stop. Part of him praying that this is all just a big mistake and he's going to make the decision to turn around and head straight back home. Because, how can he do this? How can he even begin to face Logan's family? Will they look like him? Will his Mom have those same bright chocolate eyes, or his Dad messy brunette hair...? Will his sister laugh like he did, will any of his brothers have dimples...

And the worst part is, they won't want him here. And Kendall knows it. He has already prepared himself for the door they will try to slam in his face, and the insults that will be hurled at him. But he doesn't care. Because he just... he needs them to know, at least, how sorry he is. Truly and utterly sorry.

Kendall tells the cab driver to wait, because wow he doesn't want to be stuck here when they kick him off the front porch, and walks up to house in a way that can only be described as one thing; slow. And yet no matter how full of lead his legs may feel, he makes it up the pebbled path, the one two three steps up the front porch, and then he's reaching out a hand, a soft taptaptap as his breath dies in his lungs.

"I'll get it!" A voice shouts from inside, Kendall's fists clenching and unclenching as he prepares himself. For what, though?

"Hello?"

The voice almost greets him before the door has been opened, but when Kendall looks into those deep brown eyes he resists the urge to break down and scream. Except, they're not the same, not really, for these eyes belong to a woman and are void of all life.

"Hello can I help you?"

Oh yes. Words.

"H-Hi, hi" Kendall stutters, fumbling with the zip on his jacket that is far too warm for Texas and looking anywhere but her face. "I'm here to, um, I, ugh"

"Spit it out honey" She smiles, and Kendall recognises that fondness... that smile...

"I'm h-here about your son, Logan"

Her smile vanishes, in not even the blink of an eye, and Kendall can see the whites of her knuckles stretching thin as she clutches the side of the door.

"Why?" Is all she says, and really, it's a fair question.

Why is Kendall here? Why couldn't have just done what Logan wanted; stayed away.

"Are you an old friend from school? Are you here about the funeral? We weren't telling anyone..." She starts again before Kendall even has a chance to speak, "because I'm s-sorry but it's just for family"

Kendall's heart drops, his mouth going dry and his eyes threatening to spill with tears. They must let him say goodbye, they must.

"I'm, I'm not," Kendall stutters, bitting down on his bottom lip, "I got in contact with a few people from around here who said about a funeral... And I'm not a friend from school, but I knew your son very well. I was... I was so sorry to hear about his death and I just –"

"Oh sweetie" she interrupts, reaching out to wrap her arms around Kendall's thin frame as she lets a few tears of her own slip onto the blondes shirt.

Kendall can't believe this is the same woman that told him to go to Hell on the phone, couldn't believe this was the woman who would ever not love her son like Logan said she would... And yet Kendall knew, the minute he spoke his name she would snap, would look at him like he was Satan's spawn and scream for him to get off her property. And Kendall knows it wouldn't be because he was gay, it would be because he is the reason her son is dead.

"I'm so sorry" Kendall sobs as he pulls back, not wanting to cry into the woman's shoulder for another second, "I'm just so sorry"

She smiles sadly, reaching out to take Kendall's cheek in her small palm and brush the tears from his soft pale skin. "It's ok" she chokes, "we're ok. We're going to be ok"

Kendall can tell that even she doesn't believe her own words. He can see that pain, that sadness, that... despair. Kendall can almost see her heart breaking behind her eyes and its then he realises; he can't do this to her.

He takes her hand that still rests on his cheek, bringing it down but not letting go. He takes a deep breath, letting his green eyes focus on her chocolate brown as he says, "Logan was _such _a beautiful human being, and words will never be able to describe how truly, _truly _sorry I am that he is gone." Kendall doesn't care for his voice cracking or his heart shattering, instead leaning forward to press a soft kiss to Mrs Mitchell's forehead and whispering, "I wish your family all the happiness in the world Mrs Mitchell. I hope Logan is at peace now."

As she had done him, he lifts his hand to her face to brush away the few stray tears before he gives her a soft, sad smile and steps back.

She lets out a shaky breath as she gives Kendall a soft smile in return, wrapping her thin arms around herself as if the weather were not a sickly 80 degrees and in fact dipping into the heart of winter and murmuring, "thank you." And without another word, Kendall turns around, walking down the path the same way he came and not daring to look at the house one more time.

No more.

...

Joanna Mitchell watches the stranger with the dirty blonde hair and bright green eyes disappear down her path, exiting her life just as quickly as he had walked in. Her legs urge her to run, to stop him from getting into the cab that waits and tell him the truth.

But she can't.

The secret is trapped inside her, begging to come out but being forced down with every fibre of her being.

With a heavy sigh, she turns, entering the house and shutting the door behind her, leaning back against the hard wood and letting her eyes squeeze shut; willing the tears to stop.

"Who was that, Mom?"

Joanna snaps her head up, wiping away the tears that won't stop falling and giving a broken smile to the equally as broken boy who stands before her.

"I... I honestly don't know, Logan."


	14. Hallelujah

**A/N: Ahh hmmm ah ohhh uhh hi? I stutter because I'm questioning my life choices at the moment and I'm question what you are about to read.**

**Firstly I'm going to say a big massive thank you to everyone who has been following this story and I'm just so blown away by everyones love and support. The last chapter got about 40ish? reviews and that's just... yeah. no words. i love you all.**

**right so here's the thing. this chapter was going to be a lot longer an I completely know what I'm doing with this story right up until the end so it wasn't so much an issue of not know what to write, it was more...**

**Ok this chapter sort of went somewhere I wasn't expecting and it left me physically in tears and gasping for air a little bit but... I needed it. And maybe you'll need it too idk. I feel like the words here, no matter how short they are, needed to be said and left alone by themselves. Also my wife/lover/inspiration/muse/life Ashley reads basically everything I write and we both agreed that this is what it is and needs to stay that way. So I apologise for the lack of plot development but it will all happen I promise.**

**Just quickly and maybe importantly, after the linebreak it is all dialogue. Obviously that will be clear but I just hope you quickly pick up on what it is going on... I've done this all intentionally and idididkkdidk im gonna shut up now. (its a therapist ok)**

**much love. xoxoxoox **

**chapter is titled after the song Hallelujah (jeff buckley) because I had it on repeat whilst writing and cried like crazy. **

* * *

**Chapter 14 - Hallelujah.**

Seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to days, days turn to weeks. On and on and on it goes until there is no possible chance of escape from this Hell. It could be worse, he could be dead, and yet. . . would that really be worse? Because really, that was the ultimate goal after all.

He had tried, and he had failed, trying so desperately not to cling onto those last final moments of the life he no longer wanted. And he still didn't want it, as he lay here now staring at the dull white ceiling above his head. He thinks that maybe he could draw the lines of this room with his eyes closed now, that with a pencil in hand he could paint the perfect picture purely from memory.

He felt the same way about a particular face. A face that he could draw in his sleep, after his fingers had spent so many hours tracing the hard lines of that jaw. . . that long nose. . . He could capture the bushiness of those eyebrows with merely his fingertips and the striking green of those eyes he had fallen in love with more and more every single day.

But that was all simply a memory now, a memory that he still wasn't sure if it were reality or a dream. He must have imagined it, surely, those three little whispered words of "I love you" could not have been real. And yet. . . They are so clear in his head, like a relentless drum of pain and regret.

* * *

"Do you know where you are?"

"Yes."

"Do you know _who _you are?"

"Yes."

"Do you know why you're here?"

"Stop."

"Excuse me –"

"Just stop, ok? Obviously my brain is working completely fine. I know who I am and I know who you are and why I'm here and how I got into this stupid fucking mess."

"I see. So, shall I let you speak then? Would you like to conduct this session?"

"I wish this session wasn't happening at all to be honest."

"Would you like to tell me why you just swore before?"

". . . Huh?"

"I've known you since you were just a little boy. I know the values you hold and what you believe in, I know it's not in your nature to swear."

"You don't know a thing about me."

"On the contrary, I believe I know quite a bit. Why are you here?"

"Because I have to be."

"Wrong answer. Try again."

"I'm here because I tried to kill myself."

"Good. Now, was that so hard?"

"No. I think I've come to accept it."

"Have you, have you really?"

"Yes. I took a blade to my wrists because I wanted to die. That's it. All there is."

"No, that's exactly why you're here. Because no one simply wakes up in the morning and decides it would be a good day to end their life. That's why I'm here, to help you deal with the decisions that drove you to do that to yourself, to prevent you from doing it again."

"Ha."

"Something funny?"

"Everyone's treating me like I'm going to fucking implode at any minute."

"And are you?"

"I. . . I don't know."

"Can we talk about Ken-"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to talk about him right now, thank you."

"Will you ever want to talk about him?"

". . . No."

"Is he the reason you –"

"**No."**

"It's ok to admit defeat, you know. It's ok to admit that we were wrong about love, or what we _thought _love was."

"H-he. . . He loved me. He _loves _me."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because he told me."

"People lie."

"You really want to talk to me about lying? Let's talk about the fact that everyone except for you, my family and a handful of doctors and nurses, think I'm dead."

"I know that –"

"No. If we're going to talk about lying let's talk about this. Let's talk about how even after almost losing me my parents are still ashamed of everything I am. About how they would rather tell the world that I was _dead _instead of having me face anyone. About how neighbours and childhood friends and people I don't even know come to our door every single day to drop off flowers and say just how sorry they are. About how my Father refuses to believe I even exist because to him, I died in that bathroom that night five weeks ago."

"You need to understand that –"

"And the lies just keep pilling and pilling up and I don't think I can take it anymore. Everyone thinks I tried to kill myself because of. . . Because of Kendall . . . but he's the reason I'm still breathing today. Because I need him, I need him more than anything and I can't stand it and. . . he thinks I'm dead. I know he tried calling a few times, I know that he would have called after that night and I know what my Mother would have told him. Sometimes I make myself sick with the thought that maybe he has been one of the one's to come to the door that my Mom won't allow me to see. Whenever the doorbell rings it's almost like a drill now, I am to go to my room and not come out until I know "the coast is clear." And how can my parents possibly expect me to be _getting better_, if they are the reason I want to die?

Because. . . I don't care what anyone thinks I was to Kendall, and I don't care what my Mom tried to make me believe I was, because I know he loved me with every single inch of his heart. I know that without him I feel like I'm just living out my days until I have the opportunity to die again. I don't want to kill myself because I don't have him, or because I'll never know what it's like to have his lips on mine again. I don't want to die because he is in a world that is not my own, I want to _live _for all those reasons. I _need _to know that he is alive and that every now and again he would spare a thought to my memory. I need him to be happy and find someone else to love and cherish and someone who can give everything he deserves, in return. In 50 years time I want him to look back and maybe shed a tear to the boy he once knew who "died" in the name of love, but I want him to have a hand in his and a voice telling him that he is still loved now.

I wish. . . I wish that could be me. I wish I could have that life with him and live out the rest of our days like I believe God intended; together. And I wish that I could be everything he needs, but I'm not. The reason I want to die is not because of Kendall, it's because I feel like I don't have use to be here anymore. I feel like my existence means nothing to this Earth and. . . and that's just how it is. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror because. . . this is not where I'm meant to be. I want to die because; I don't want Logan Mitchell to exist anymore."


	15. The Taste That Your Lips Allow

**A/N: Lalala its 6:40am and I am yet to sleep. I am slowly losing my mind.**

**So hi hello um this is the second last chapter. Well there's this, then the end, then I'm going to have an epilogue. So yeah even though this is nearly 4k words I still feel like there's so much in its thats unsaid and im a bad bad writer and its bad. but. im weeping anyway.**

**wow ok so i wrote nearly all of this on my phone and to remind myself when proof reading I put / / around words when I want to italicise them, so hence being a shitting proof reader just yeah...**

**wait what else. oh yeah remember kendall and james work at a restaurant and they're waiters and this chapter starts off with them at work ok.**

**alright read now because im sad :) i love you :)**

**P.S I would be lost without Ashley because she makes this story so much better and I love her more than words will ever describe. **

* * *

**Chapter 15 - All I Want, Is The Taste That Your Lips Allow.**

"Hey come on Kendall, life's not too bad."

Kendall looks up from the table of napkins, green eyes swimming with unshed tears as he smiles weakly at his best friend. Kendall wishes he could believe that, that life wasn't too bad.

"And hey," James says, sitting down opposite the blonde to "help" him with the meaningless task of folding the crisp white napkins, "you've still got me. And Carlos and -"

"I know, James." Kendall tries keeping his smile, and it's not that he doesn't find solace or comfort in the fact that he still has a plethora of people who care about him he just...

"Can I say something?" James asks softly, setting the linen down and forcing Kendall to do the same. Kendall merely sighs, leaning back in the chair and awaiting another one of James' life lectures.

James had been trying to help, he honestly had, over the past few weeks Kendall thinks he may have truly gone insane if he didn't have James with him. But none of it could truly help, none of it could fix the hole that was so raw and empty inside his chest. Kendall felt like it was always going to be there, that maybe in time he would begin to heal and move on with his life but; it was never going away.

"I know you loved Logan -"

"James," Kendall warns, knuckles beginning to strain against balled fists. He can't stand hearing that name, absolutely hates it.

"Listen to me, just for once ok?" James sighs, reaching over the table to take Kendalls hand gently and brush his thumb over the tensed knuckles until they calm. "I know you loved Logan, and I'm not asking you or telling you to move on from him because I know that would be impossible. But you have to understand Kendall, Logan is at peace now. I know that it doesn't compare to having him alive and breathing, but if he hated his life /that/ much in order for him to take it... Surely he must be happy now. I think that he could have been happy with you, I /know/ he could have been happy with you, but Logan was doing what he thought was right. You can't blame yourself for what's happened, because I know he loved you Kendall."

"Then why," Kendall chokes, "why did he leave me?"

A lump begins to form in James' throat, watching his best friend so completely and utterly broken is like dragging a knife right through his heart. James moves his seat, inching closer to Kendall until he can reach out a hand to take the shorter boys face in his hand, the other still clasped firmly with Kendall's, as he forces green eyes to look into his hazel.

"Kendall, killing yourself is not something that is decided over night. This was something inside of Logan for a very long time, you have to stop thinking that this is because of you."

Kendall is crying now, unable to stop the tears from hitting James' thumb on his cheek. "I just don't understand! It's not fair! I would have helped him and loved him and we could have faced the whole world together... And I know it's crazy, I know that I shouldn't have loved someone so much in really what was such a short amount of time but -"

"But that's love, Kendall. That's what loves all about. It's not about being in the longest relationship or the happiest relationship, it's about how /your/ heart feels. What's that quote... The one with the - ugh Logan would know it the.. The bible verse about love being patient and -"

"Love is patient..." Kendall whispers, taking James' hand from his face to clasp it tightly and let it fall in his lap to cling to his fingers for dear life as he trembles. "Love is kind. Love does not envy or boast... It is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on it's own way. It is not irritable or resentful. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things... Endures all things..."

Kendall breaks then, heart shattering and tears falling as James throws his arms around his narrow shoulders, engulfing Kendall into a hug of bone crushing proportions as the blonde starts to sob into his chest.

"It's ok Kendall," James whispers, running a hand through Kendall's hair gently, "it's going to be ok."

"H-he told me that," Kendall stammers, fingers trembling on their hold of James' shirt. "One night, I begged for him to come lay out with me in the garden behind the house and he... We were talking about nothing and everything and I was t-teasing him about the bible and he said it wasn't all bad and he started to tell me that verse and he... He took my hand next to his on the grass and he told me about love and - fuck. I've fucked up James. I've lost the only thing that I ever cared about and he's never coming back! I lost the love of my life and he's never coming back."

James is quick to lean back, taking Kendall's face with both hands to lift his head and force them to be eye to eye, nose to nose. "Listen to me," he says, voice low and trying not to crack as he watches Kendall fall apart right before his eyes, "Kendall, you're such a beautiful person. Everything about you is beautiful and sincere and wonderful and you deserve to have an amazing life, and you _will_, I know you will because I've never met anyone like you Kendall Knight. I know you've lost Logan, I know that, but you haven't lost who _you_ are deep inside. You're smart and kind and funny and sweet and you're so incredibly loyal and honest and I love you, ok? I fucking love you, and someone else is going to love you too."

Kendall can't help it, doesn't even think as he throws his arms around James' neck and smashes their lips together. It's desperate and it's hard and it's Kendall's way of coping. James kisses back because he knows Kendall needs this. He brings the blonde boy in closer to him, kissing him with as much force as he is in turn receiving until both their heads begin to spin. They both know that this is not a kiss of deep down love or confessions or anything other than exactly what they both need right now. They know that what this is, is a way to cope, a way to deal with the pain that rips through Kendall's body like shards of glass until he is burning and bleeding out onto the wooden floors. Kendall needs the connection, needs that feeling of security and safeness; needs to know that he is not alone.

Kendall loves James, more than anything; but not like he loved Logan.

Kendall sighs into James' mouth, leaning back slightly to disconnect their lips and rest their foreheads together.

"I'm sorry," Kendall mumbles, smiling slightly when James' pecks the corner of his mouth.

"Don't be," James whispers back, "I'm always going to be here for you."

Kendall kisses James again quickly before he untangles his fingers from brunette hair, leaning back in his seat and collapsing his head down into his folded arms on the table. He takes solace in James' hand squeezing his shoulder, moving his hand to take it as he still wallows in his arms, but as James' thumb begins to brush over his knuckles, it stops.

James' hand grips Kendall's tightly, almost making Kendall groan in pain at the way his fingers are getting crushed. He lifts his head to look at James, watching the kiss swollen lips mouth out a breathless, "oh my god," as the brunette stairs at the door.

Kendall quirks a bushy eyebrow, keeping his chin on his folded arms as he follows James' line of sight to the entrance.

And that's when Kendall knows there is no hope left for his sanity now, because the boy with the messily spiked brown hair and deep dimples, a backpack slung over his shoulder and tears on his cheeks, can't be who he thinks it is.

It can't be Logan.

* * *

**_24 hours earlier._**

_"We're sending you away for a bit, Logan."_

Those words were the beginning of the end. They were said so casually, as if making a comment on the days weather, but Logan knew that was game over.

He'd only heard fragments after that, words like "treatment centre" and "religious conditioning" getting rolled into the mix and sticking inside Logan's brain like burning flame. He knew what this all meant, knew that he was finally getting rid of.

Logan would have argued, would have said that he was getting better and that everything was going to be fine, but he was sick of lying. So he kept his head down, stared at his hands as his parents told him about his new "home", and he knew exactly what it was. A place where he would get the shit beaten out of him just for being_ different_. But... Logan was starting to realise something, maybe he wasn't different, maybe he was exactly who he was meant to be...

That night, Logan lies awake in bed, sleep the last thing on his mind as he runs his fingers over the now healing deep scars on his wrists. Logan hates those scars, hates that there will always be a reminder of what he did to himself... how he failed. And he knows that if he goes to this place, if he gets sent away, he won't be failing next time.

"Hi Logan."

Logan's eyes snap open, looking to the empty side of the bed and closing them again quickly because he knows this is a dream.

"Logan, talk to me."

"No," Logan almost cries, placing his hands over his eyes like a small child, "you're not real, you're not here."

And no, Kendall isn't there, he isn't at all; but it doesn't stop him from invading Logan's insanity on what now feels like a nightly basis.

"I promised you I would always be here," the voice whispers, and Logan can almost feel fingers gripping around his wrist. "I told you that my heart would always be yours, and yours mine, so... I'm always with you, Logan. I promised."

Logan doesn't want to be crazy, and maybe he's not, but it doesn't stop him from peaking one eye open none the less to look into that imaginary bright green that is constantly swimming in front of his vision.

"Come back to me," Kendall whispers, "I need you."

"I need you too," Logan cries to no one, wishing so desperately this weren't a dream.

"Don't let them send you away, don't let them change who you are. Do you remember what I told you one of the first times we spoke?_ If you don't open your eyes to what you truly want, you're going to be left blind_."

Logan's hands reach out into the darkness, clutching at the empty bed sheets where he so wishes Kendall was. He needs Kendall, needs him so bad it hurts. And he's been trying to let himself move on and tell himself that this was all for the best but... But what about how he feels? Doesn't that matter? Because maybe being here and feeling as if his soul was being eaten alive every single day... Wasn't the right thing.

Because Logan wanted Kendall. He wanted to be in Kendall's arms again, he wanted to feel Kendall's long fingers carding through his hair and whispering in his ear that he loved him. He wanted to wake up every single morning with Kendall by his side, to trace a finger across his jaw and watch his long eyelashes flutter on his cheek. He wanted to feel Kendall's lips on his, he wanted to hold them there for eternity and never ever let go. He wanted to love Kendall forever, as long as this life would allow him, and no one was going to stop him anymore.

"I'm coming Kendall."

* * *

Logan's hand trembles as it clasps around the handle to the front door of his house, feeling as if every creak and every sound is going to be one of his parents or even a sibling bounding down the stairs to catch him escaping.

Since when did home become his prison...

But it wasn't home anymore.

Logan can practically hear his heart thumping in his chest as he inches open the front door, breathing heavily as he steps out onto the porch that seems to almost scream beneath his step. The warm night air hits his face as soon as he is outside, and he breathes in the air that had almost been denied him for nearly two months.

He shuts the door behind him and lets out a shaky breath, trying to push the pain of running away out of his heart. Logan doesn't regret his decision to leave and start his life over, but no matter what has happened with his family, no matter how dead he was to them... They were still his family. And it doesn't -

"Logan?"

Logan's bones almost jump out of his skin, and he turns around so fast he almost falls flat on his face. He feels as if the devil himself has tapped him on the shoulder, and well, it may as well be.

"M-Mom?"

Logan's shaking uncontrollably by this point, gripping the straps on his backpack as his Mom stands from the wooden bench on his front porch. She opens her mouth to speak, presumably to ask what is going on, but it takes her all of two seconds to figure it out. She takes in the backpack, the time of night, the absolutely petrified look on her sons face...

She asks anyway, "what are you doing Logan?"

"I-I'm - I - I'm -"

"Ive been sitting out here most nights, I can barely sleep anymore," Joanna interrupts, sitting back down on the bench. Logan allows himself to breath, loosening the grip on his bag and moving to sit next to his Mom.

"I always knew you were different. From a very early age I could see something in you that was different. Whilst all the other little boys were trying out for the football team you were begging me to join the church choir and asking me if you could put on my lipstick. I didn't think any of it at the time, I just put it down to childhood and I guess... I didn't want you to be different, Logan. I wanted you to be just like your brothers and all the other children and I wanted you to be happy and I... I wanted what I thought was best for you, I just wanted you to be normal."

"But Mom," Logan says quickly, looking into her matching chocolate eyes, "I'm _not_ different, maybe I'm exactly who I'm meant to be. Everyone is different and unique and wonderful in their own way, and why should we have to be like everyone else? I tried to tell myself for so long that I was something different to who I truly was, I was lying to myself because I wanted to be what you and dad and everyone else thought was right. But I'm realising now that I don't have to change for anyone. If I want to be happy... I have to be who and what makes me happy."

"I didn't want you to die Logie Bear."

Her head falls into her hands as she starts to cry, her shoulders shaking her knees visibly trembling. "I didn't want you to be who you were but I didn't want you to die."

"You're going to kill me if you send me away mom," Logan whispers, "you can't change who I am. You've got to let me go."

"Boys aren't meant to like other boys! It's not right!"

"I'm in love Mom!" Logan almost yells back, "it's not about whether or not who I love has long hair and soft curves, it's not about falling in love with someone who society views and acceptable and it's certainly not what the bible tells me is right. Love is love, Mom, and that's what it is for me. I didn't fall in love with Kendall because he's a boy, I fell in love with him because of who he is, and I wish you could understand that."

She shakes her head in her hands, refusing to believe the words being spoken to her.

"I love him mom and nothing is going to change that now, I'm going to be with him."

Logan stands from the seat, adjusting his backpack and taking a deep breath as he turns to leave his still sobbing mother. But as he does, she jumps up, taking him by the arm and bringing him in close.

"You're my baby boy Logan," she cries, lifting a palm to his cheek as the tears fall down her own, "I love you."

"If you truly love me Mom," Logan says softly, trying not to cry, "ask me to stay, ask me to stay and don't send me away. Cherish me and love me and accept me for who I am... Can you do that mom? If you want me to stay, if you truly love me, ask me."

Logan knows her answer, knows in the way her eyes drop and her chest heaves with sobs; he knows this is goodbye now.

He leans forward to press a kiss to her forehead, letting his eyes close for a moment as a tear of his own falls softly down his cheek.

"Tell Rachel I love her and I don't have to be dead to her if she doesn't want and... Mom, I will always love you, I'm always going to be your son and nothing is going to change that, but this is goodbye now."

She merely nods, wrapping her arms around him quickly for only a fraction of a second before she lets Logan go, stepping back to wipe her eyes and whisper, "be happy, Logan."

* * *

Logan had felt like he had gone through hell and back by the time he steps out of the cab onto the busy Los Angeles road, pedestrians and cars and life coming all at him at once. He had almost forgotten how busy and bright LA was.

He gives a quick thank you to the cab driver, feeling sorry for the poor man who had almost driven him all over the city. When Logan had arrived at LAX he felt like a dead man walking, getting absolutely no sleep the night before with the combination of making it to the airport and then actually finding the earliest flight possible. The earliest flight wasn't until noon the next day which sort of made Logan want to punch a wall but in the end he didn't care, he didn't even care forking over what felt like half his savings for a flight such last minute, because he was going to see Kendall; and that's all that mattered now.

The only thing he wasn't counting on was Kendall not being at home.

Logan had almost worked himself up into a nervous fit by the time he was standing on the front door step of the small house he had almost forgotten. He'd spared a quick glance to his old place, but the moment was brief, not dwelling in a life he now wishes to move on.

His hand shook as he knocked quietly on the door.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

No answer.

Logan had remained rational, letting his brain think it out for all of two minutes before logic kicked and reminded him of Kendall's job in the city. Logan almost did a skip when he remembered what the name of the restaurant was, sprinting off from Kendall's house down the small path back to the main road. He figured luck was on his side when the same cab remained parked on the curb and flung the door open before jumping inside. The driver had been startled, almost dropping the newspaper in his hands that he had decided to read before going back to work.

Logan had blurted out the name and the general vicinity of the city he knew it was in and felt like he could almost climb over the seat and kiss the driver when he said he knew exactly where that was.

As the cab blurred through the city, Logan had looked out the window, taking in all the lights, all the movement, all the colour pass him by. When he had first come to LA it made no sense to him, it all just felt like dots, dots that made no sense and no pattern but now... Now it made sense, he saw it all clearly now.

So as he looks up at the sign for the building he just knows Kendall is inside, he finds himself starting to cry. For the first time in months, these are not tears of sadness or regret, these are tears of relief... and love and happiness and elation and –

It's almost too much. But he wills himself forward anyway.

Logan had replayed this moment in his head over a thousand times in the space of a few hours, the idea of seeing Kendall's face, being able to touch him, to _feel _him... To be in Kendall's arms once more and for Kendall to know he is alive... It has Logan almost sick with the thought.

So when he opens the door, legs like lead and heart like fire, he instantly feels his soul crack...

For the sight before him was not one he had ever thought he would see.

The love of his life kissing someone else.


	16. Your Atmosphere

**A/N: I'm the worst person in the world. I know. I've learned to deal with it. I'm sorry :(**

**But wait shh so unrelated but I've literally been screaming for the past like 5 hours because it was announced BTR is coming to Australia and I literally can't handle that because I'm finally going to get to meet my babies. And I just can't. Nope. Gonna cry.**

**Ok the story:**

**This was going to be the last chapter. It was. But I got to the place where it ends and my mind was just "Nope. Stop."**

_**So the end is not the end. **_**And I can imagine the next chapter is not going to be nearly as long, it's going to be quite short really :/**

**Ok this chapter makes me want to cut my heart out but at the same time I honestly really like it so. I hope you do too.**

**I love you.**

**Wait P.S Ashley my love told me a song I should listen to for this story and I've never want to die more in my life. "In Your Atmosphere" by John Mayer. Listen to it.  
**

_**I'm gonna steer clear  
I'd burn up in your atmosphere  
I'm gonna steer clear  
Cause I'd die if I saw you  
I'd die if I didn't see you there  
So... I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore**_

* * *

**Chapter 16 - Your Atmosphere.**

If this were a movie, Logan thinks that maybe it would have been different. Maybe it might have been raining, with not a sound but the droplets hitting the hard pavement, and maybe Kendall would have been wearing a white shirt that billowed in the wind. Wait, ok so maybe not a movie but a romance novel. Kendall would appear on his white horse and whisk Logan off his feet, pull him into his arms and kiss him so hard that everything in the world melted into nothing. Not the rain, nor the people, nor the hum of the city could interrupt this moment. If this were a movie, Logan thinks that maybe it would be a happy ending.

But this is life.

Kendall's eyes look into Logan's, and Logan can tell that the blonde thinks he is going insane. And Logan doesn't really blame him, because well, he's supposed to dead. Which is exactly why Logan doesn't feel... anything. Maybe if Kendall had kept a promise to wait for him, to pine forever, Logan would be upset and hurt and angry and all those awful things that he just doesn't have the energy for, but Kendall never made any promises to a dead man.

Logan had played this moment over so many times in his head, maybe nothing as grand as white horses and pouring rain, but he had pictured it as clear as day, every inch and every touch filling the corners of his mind until he was full of everything that had been denied him for so long.

Love.

Logan closes his eyes, for a second, and instantly wishes he hadn't. For when his lids close he pictures himself running into Kendall's arms, pictures those lips on his and those three little words being whispered into his ear... and really, he's so close.

So close, yet so far.

It's James that speaks first and Logan is slightly grateful for that, he doesn't think he can listen to Kendall. Not yet.

"Logan?"

Logan simply nods, not taking his eyes off of Kendall. He watches as the short breaths escape into the taller boys lips, remembers what it was like to kiss those lips. He wishes he could kiss them again... just one last time.

Maybe he will never need to hear Kendall speak again, because he knows what Kendall is saying, feeling, screaming behind those bright green eyes that glisten on the brink of tears. There are words of sorrow, or regret... of truths, of loss, of pain, of disbelief of... love. There's so much love behind those eyes Logan thinks he might scream.

He didn't want it to be like this.

Logan opens his mouth to speak, but closes it again, unable to find the words that rest on the tip of his tongue. But really, what is he supposed to say?

_"Hi, so... I'm not dead."_

Or,

_"I missed you."_

_'I missed you'_ doesn't even begin to cover it.

So instead of speaking, Logan turns. Turns quickly and swiftly and all but runs out of the restaurant. Because maybe this wasn't where Logan was meant to be. He had spent so long telling himself that this was what was right, to be with Kendall again, but he realises now that Kendall has moved on with his life.

And he doesn't blame him for that.

Logan wishes they could have had a proper goodbye, again, that this one would be left with no regret and only words of love and best wishes. But Logan and Kendall were never that perfect love story... they were never going to work.

And maybe... maybe that's ok. Because love never –

"Logan, wait!"

Logan almost gets knocked to the ground when he turns, Kendall's arms reaching out to grab him to keep himself from falling over, or maybe to keep him from running; Logan's not sure.

"_'Logan, wait,'"_ Kendall repeats, a sad smile on his lips, "I didn't think those would be the first words I spoke to you again."

Logan wishes he could speak, wishes he could just say something instead of staring up at the boy who changed his life with tears leaking in the corner of his eyes.

"I have so much I want to say, that I need to say," Kendall whispers, pulling Logan in closer until the space between them is nonexistent.

Logan takes a deep breath, letting Kendall fill his lungs, and it burns. He had almost forgotten that smell of honey, of cinnamon, that feeling of knowing that everything is going to be ok now... the smell of home. Because that's what Kendall was, and that's all he was ever going to be, he was going to be warmth and happiness and joy and... and everything Logan could never have.

"I –I," Logan practically chokes, fingers grasping at Kendall's arms and digging in tight, "I don't know what to say."

Logan's eyes widen when Kendall starts to laugh, a single tear rolling down the blonde's cheek as he breathes out, "I've missed your voice so much."

Despite himself, Logan half smiles. "Why are you laughing?"

Kendall shakes his head, the laughter that's spilling from his lips soon turning into sobs as his eyes close and his bottom lip trembles, shoulders shaking as he pulls Logan into him and buries his face into the shorter boys messy hair.

Logan can't handle Kendall not keeping it together, can't handle it one bit, so when Kendall breaks; he does too. Because Logan thinks that's maybe how it's always been, he let himself become so dependent on someone else, trusted them with his heart and trusted them to always be strong. But Kendall wasn't strong now.

They stand like that for awhile, Logan's fingers clinging onto the front of Kendall's soft shirt as they both cry into one another. Logan knows that people pass them, that life passes them, but there is nothing to him but Kendall in this moment. There is nothing but the lips pressed against his hair and the fingers grasping at his back. It's in this moment that Logan realises; maybe Kendall needed him too.

* * *

_"What are you thinking so hard about over there Logie Bear?"_

_Logan looks up at Kendall with a frown, the long pencil running through his fingers and two seconds away from being chewed to bits by his teeth in a state of nervousness._

_Kendall sighs, placing his magazine down on the couch and getting up to stand round the back of his and James' dining room table, wrapping his arms around Logan's torso. Logan can't help but squirm with a (somewhat manly) giggle as Kendall starts to scatter kisses across his neck before resting his chin in the same place._

_"No seriously," Kendall says softly now, "what's up?"_

_"It's this letter," Logan sighs, body going limp in Kendall's hold, "I just don't know what to write."_

_"Hmmm, well..." Kendall murmurs, reaching out to trace the neatly printed letters on the bright white paper, "it's for your Mom, right?"_

_"Yeah... it's her Birthday, and I'm allowed to write a letter. But I just... I just don't know what to say."  
Kendall laughs into Logan's neck, "that's funny."_

_Logan's frowns, "why?"_

_"Because you know, like, calling her and stuff is breaking the rules and you don't wanna break the rules but here you are... Saying you're at midnight mass whilst a man actually kisses your neck."_

_"Ha. Very funny," Logan replies in a monotone, but trying not to smile when Kendall leans forward to nip at the line of his jaw._

_With a dramatic sigh and a huff of his chest, Kendall stands up straight to grab onto the back of the chair and drag it backwards just enough so that he can move round it to sit himself down in Logan's lap. Logan grunts at the weight, not used to having 160+ pounds in his lap all at once. But Logan doesn't fail to notice the irony of it, knowing this is completely uncharacteristic for their "relationship", to have Kendall's arms around his neck and sitting on his lap like a small child. Either way, it doesn't stop Logan from wrapping his arms around Kendall's waist and pulling him in closer._

_"You worry too much Logie Bear," Kendall whispers against his lips, the space between them being separated by only the bump of their noses and the hitch of their heavy breaths._

_"Sometimes, I," Logan swallows, "sometimes I think you don't worry enough."_

_"I don't want you to worry enough for the both of us though," Kendall smiles sadly, playing with the short strands of hair at the nape of Logan's hair, "I just want you to be happy."_

_"But I... There's just so much to worry about all the time, it's a constant never ending fear... I guess."_

_Logan drops his eyes from Kendall's gaze, unable to stop his fingers from wanting to tremble as he opens up his soul to this man that always has the power for him to do so. Part of him hates that, hates how easy it is to just be himself around Kendall, how it's almost as easy as breathing to let the contents of his heart spill out into the air for Kendall to catch on his tongue, but, if he's being honest... he doesn't hate that at all._

_"Hey, Logan," Kendall whispers, placing one hand under Logan's jaw to lift up his gaze and look into worried chocolate, "do you trust me?"_

_It's against Logan's better judgement to say "yes", but he does anyway._

_"I never want you to stress, or to worry, or to be upset, or scared, or... as long as you're with me, and even if you're not... I'm always going to want to see that smile, and hear that laugh; I'm always going to want you to be happy. And if that means protecting you from all the monsters outside the front door, then that's what I'll do."_

_"Monsters?" Logan half smiles, cheeks blushing an endearing shade of pink as Kendall lifts his thumb to the corner of his eyes to brush away a single stray tear._

_"Big ole scary monsters," Kendall confirms, tapping Logan's nose with his finger, "because I never want you to be scared."_

_Logan nods, biting down on his bottom lip and pulling Kendall into his arms to bury his face into his hard chest. Kendall holds him tight, kissing the top of his head and running a comforting hand down his back._

_"I don't know what I'd do without you Kendall Knight," Logan mumbles into the taller boys' plaid shirt, "I think I'm always going to need you."_

_Kendall simply whispers in return, "I'm always going to need you too."_

* * *

"K-Kendall," Logan practically chokes into the blonde boys chest, "Kendall we need to... need to talk? I – I don't know what to say."

"I just – I just want to hold you," Kendall whispers, "please."

Logan wants to cry, _"that's all I want too"_ or _"you have forever to hold me"_ but... he can't.

"Please," Logan repeats back, but for a completely different reason, "please just, there's a lot to say and I worry there's not enough time to say it."

Kendall leans back then, not bothering to lift a hand to his eyes to wipe at the tears smudged on his cheeks, instead squeezing Logan's shoulders so tight it's a surprise the small boy doesn't complain.

"What," he breathes, "what do you mean 'not enough time'? I'm not letting you go again, I'm not –"

"Please," Logan tries again, voice desperate and cracking, "please I just want – we just need to talk."

Kendall lets out a breath he didn't even know he had been holding, taking Logan's hand in his and pulling them out of the middle of the pavement and around the back of the restaurant where Kendall works. Logan thinks that maybe this won't be the most appropriate place for a conversation about life and love and goodbye, but follows him down the side alley anyway, keeping his eyes on his feet so as to not trip on a garbage can or something and fall flat on his face.

Way to kill a mood.

But when they round the corner into an open area and Logan lifts his eyes, he doesn't even resist the initial instinct to gasp; fingers tightening around Kendall's and bottom lip falling slack. Logan suddenly feels the urge to cry, and he's not exactly sure why, except he is; because this might single handily be the most beautiful place he has ever seen.

It's a courtyard, that much is clear, and Logan's immediate guess is that this is simply the outdoor seating for the restaurant but "outdoor seating" does really not do it justice. The first thing that Logan notices is the flowers, hundreds of them, filling up the small area until it is almost bursting at the seams with light and colour and happiness and – it oddly reminds Logan of the flowers surrounding Kendall's home, he wouldn't be surprised if Kendall had a hand in this too.

There's a small arch in the middle, running down a small path to an even smaller water fountain, the soft trickling of the water running straight through to Logan's bones. And Logan can picture it all so perfectly too, can picture when the sun falls and the moon rises, can picture the twinkle lights in the trees and on the arch illuminating the area in soft light as the people eat and drink and laugh and dance into the night. And Logan suddenly realises he wants that, craves that, craves for Kendall to take his hand and pull him under the archway made of flowers, pull him into his arms and sway them to the music that is already beginning to play in Logan's mind.

It's all... so beautiful.

"It's nice, isn't it?" Kendall says mostly to himself, breaking Logan out of his own mind and back to earth, back to reality.

Logan only nods, breath stilling when Kendall walks them towards the archway and that small path made of pebbles. Logan can see more clearly now, can see the two person seat by the water fountain, the metal on the back being woven into shapes of hearts and flowers and other designs that so oddly fit.

"Mostly people just have dinner out here," Kendall says softly, reaching out to run his fingers through the small stream of water, "but sometimes we have parties and functions and things too. Actually, the owner got married here."

And that's when Logan wants to scream, wants to curse Kendall and his brain as he is met with the image behind his eyes of he and Kendall under the archway, of Kendall's hands in his as he whispers, _"I do."_

No.

"Can we sit?" Logan says quickly, pulling on Kendall's hand to join him on the bench and to desperately cut short any more talk of weddings by flowers and water fountains.

"There's a lot I want to say," Kendall says as Logan starts to open his mouth, "but I'll let you go first, if you want."

Logan contemplates it, his brow furrowing slightly and Kendall's green eyes trained on his. He almost considers letting Kendall say what he needs, but Logan knows if he doesn't get this out now he never will.

"So, I didn't die."

Logan almost kicks himself for how stupid that is, what an awful way it is to start this, but his brain figures it's the most logical. He stares at his hands, knowing that Kendall won't interrupt yet, knowing that he can't look at Kendall yet.

"I didn't die... but, in a way... I did. I wasn't in a good place and I – it felt like – I, I didn't feel like there was another choice for me. I know that you called the house, my Mom didn't tell me but I just knew you did, and I knew she would have told you I had died... knew that she would have made you think it was your fault. And I hated that you would have thought I had died... but then, I guess, death was what I wanted so I don't think I deserve to feel - I don't know. Anyway my parents they, they didn't take me to the hospital. A doctor came to our house and s-stitched up my wrists, gave me some medication so that I wouldn't get any sort of infection or – ugh why am I telling you this?"

"Please," Kendall whispers, "please continue."

"Even in the face of death, my parents didn't really care about me. I'd lost so much blood, I'd almost died and they... they didn't care. Of course almost losing me must have been hard, I guess, but it didn't compare to the fear of people finding out I had tried to die but not succeeded. Instead they... instead they told everyone I had died. I spent so many nights lying awake in bed thinking that they didn't have to do that, that really it made no sense, but I think it's what they always wanted. I'm their biggest shame, and they wanted to get rid of that."

Logan takes a moment to breathe, his head now so jumbled and busy he doesn't even have time to notice Kendall practically crushing his fingers with his own.

"It was easier for them to pretend I was dead," Logan continues, "because it made it easier for them to forget me. But it was so hard to hear people come to the house, to hear my Mom talk on the phone and tell people I'd known my whole life that I was d-dead. I don't think it's something I'll ever get used to. And I –"

"I came," Kendall whispers quickly, "I came to Texas."

Logan's eyes snap up then, connecting with Kendall's and trying so hard to not let it all fall apart. Of course Kendall had come for him, of course he had, how could Logan have ever doubted that? Kendall had once promised to follow him to the ends of the earth, so why would coming to say goodbye be any different.

"Would it be weird to say... I know?" Logan whispers in return, subconsciously (but if he's being honest completely consciously) moving closer to Kendall.

"I mean," he says quickly as Kendall's brow starts to furrow, "I had a feeling you had come, or would come or... I don't know. Like maybe there was a small part of me saying that maybe a small part of you hadn't completely given up..."

"I didn't want to believe it," Kendall all but chokes out. "I felt like... Ok well the thought of losing you, actually losing you, is something I never want to experience again in my whole life, and yes it was awful beyond words but there was that piece of me that just felt different... Felt like it would feel different if you truly had left this Earth I guess. So when I –"

"Wait," Logan interrupts, squeezing Kendall's hand a running his thumb across the hard knuckles, "I have to finish what I need to say. Please."

Kendall sighs, long fingers twined with Logan's trying their best to stop shaking. "Ok."

"Thank you," Logan half whispers, staring down at their hands. "Kendall... I spent such a long time in Texas hating myself, hating what I did to myself; what I did to you... And if I'm being honest, I sort of hated you too." Logan laughs, barely, ignoring the way Kendall's heart sinks behind his eyes. "I mean that in the most selfish of ways; that I hated what you did to me. I started to let myself believe that maybe you really had corrupted me, that I wouldn't be lying in my bed staring at the ceiling day after day and hating my existence if it wasn't for you. So yeah, part of me hated you, resented you even; hated you so fucking much I wanted to fly back to LA just so I could punch you in the face. Screw up that already screwed up nose and that perfect jaw and pouty red lips I just wanted to kiss forever... After my Mom told me about that bet – don't look at me like that, of course I know about your stupid bet to see if you could fuck the Mormon boy – yeah after she told me I fucking hated you. I was torn between wanting to kill myself or come and show you just what you had done to me, just how much you had destroyed me. Because you did Kendall, you killed me."

Logan takes a deep breath, breathing in the smell of flowers, of water, of sunshine, of Kendall.

Kendall's eyes are looking into his own, broken, destroyed, dead, completely and truly shattered as he listens to the words he had never wished to be true. He doesn't even let out a breath, barely even moves as he tries so hard not to break down loud enough for the whole of Los Angeles to hear, instead be feels himself start to slip away from Logan, starts to feel everything they had melt away into nothing until he feels more empty than be did when he thought Logan was dead.

"What do you - I don't - please." Kendall half sobs, half chokes. "Are you letting me go?"

"I haven't finished," Logan whispers, brushing the track of tears down Kendall's cheek with his thumb. "Kendall listen to me. Please." But Kendall isn't, instead feeling every part of him shatter and fall apart, unable to even focus on the pleading eyes before him.  
"Please," Logan tries again, this time with more dominance in his tone than Kendall had ever heard, forcing his vision to still and his breath to stop as Logan holds his eyes with his own.

"Kendall," the brunette breathes slowly, his nose almost bumping against the blondes, "I did not try to kill myself because of you."

Kendall lets out a breath, lets out everything, falling into Logan's arms and burying his face into the shorter mans neck. "Oh god, oh god," he murmurs, barely audible above the choked gasps, "you did, no, you said you did I'm the reason you - I killed you, I -"

"No," Logan tries not to sob himself as he lifts Kendall's head from his chest, "you've got to listen. You killed the part of me that I didn't want to be. The person who hated you, who resented you, was the person I had tried so hard to be nearly all my life, the person who ran from the real me. He was scared and alone and ashamed.. He was a coward. He wasn't proud of who he was or who he loved, even though deep down he knew there was a part of him that was truly different. And I didn't see that before it was too late, Kendall. Because now... Now..."

Logan can't hold back anymore, can't stop himself from throwing his arms around Kendall's neck and bringing their lips together so quick and so hard that stars begin to dance their way in front of his eyes. And it's in that moment Logan figures everything out, that it all makes sense, that maybe yeah the stars align and the fireworks go off just like in the movies... And that maybe he realises; he never wants to let Kendall go again.

He grasps at the material of Kendall's shirt, tries to pull him in impossibly closer as his chest heaves with strangled breaths and the tears from both their eyes settle in the corners of their joined lips. Kissing Kendall is like the sun, like the stars, like the promise of forever is not one of false hope and wasted ambition. Kissing Kendall is like everything suddenly feels right in the world, that suddenly everything is going to be ok because... Because if they have each other, they're never going to need anything else.

But as Kendall draws in deeper, kissing Logan like nothing in his life has ever meant more to him than this moment right here, that's when Logan pulls back. A hand rushing to touch his lips, feeling them burn beneath his touch and the sparks crack through his finger tips.

"Logan," Kendall breathes heavily, long fingers clutching desperately at Logan's jacket, "Logan, I love -"

"No," Logan cries softly and quickly, placing his fingers to Kendall's trembling lips, "please don't say that."

"Logan I -"

"I shouldn't have kissed you," he sighs, completely and utterly exhausted, "I'm sorry."

Kendall places his hands on either side of Logan's face, bringing him in close until their foreheads rest together and their eyes close. "Logan.." He whispers, "Logan please."

"I thought that when I came back here you were going to be broken. That you would be mourning my death and never forgetting me. I'm not.. I'm not saying I _wanted_ those things because it's now I'm realising just how much I wanted to see you having moved on. I don't want you to blame me for not having let go, or blame yourself, but I want you to let go from me and I know you can do that. I've seen you do that."

"Because of James?" Kendall snaps, anger starting to ooze deep into his bones, "because you saw me kissing James?!"

"You and him and -"

"No, Logan. No! What you saw was nothing more than me absolutely falling apart and taking comfort in a friend. Logan, I've been fucking lost without you. I felt like a part of me had died too, I felt like I was never going to be truly whole again. I've spent weeks upon days upon minutes upon seconds missing you and loving you with every single piece of my being." They are both crying now, holding onto one another for dear life as Kendall pours his heart out into the air. "I love you, Logan Mitchell. I love you with everything and there is nothing that is ever going to change that. I spent so long thinking that I should have never walked into your life, that I never should have made that stupid bet to win you over because.. Because maybe if I hadn't things wouldn't have turned out how they did, and you'd still be the happy sweet loving boy from Texas who just wanted to do good things for other people... But you changed, I changed you, I destroyed you... And yet... I don't regret a second, not a single god damn second."

Kendall takes Logan's face in his hands again, trying so desperately to feel the way Logan's body trembles and his eyes so still Kendall's not even sure if the boy has heard the words he has spoken.

"Because there is not a second with you I want to take back. Not one single smile, or laugh, or nervous little lip bite that still drives me crazy... Not one tentative hold of my hand or that way you say my name, or the way your eyes widen when I tell you just how much you mean to me... When I tell you I love you. Because I'm not going to take any of that back Logan, and I don't want to. I want to keep every second with you in my heart forever because every second with you... was wonderful."

The air is still, silent, almost too much so as the breath shared between them is thick and stilled. Logan wants to scream, he wants to cry, he wants to do something, anything, but he can't. And that seems to just be his fucking problem today. He wants to wrap his arms around Kendall's neck and kiss him so hard everything turns white. He wants to tell him that he loves him, over and over until the words run dry and he is left with nothing but whispers of forever running from his lips. He wants to spend every second from now until forever in Kendall's arms. He wants to be with Kendall.

But instead he runs.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Logan cries, touching Kendall's cheek with his fingertips and contemplating leaning forward to kiss those lips just one last time, but he doesn't. He can't.

_Can'tcan'tcan't._

"Logan what –"

"I'm sorry," he whispers again, standing up from the bench and feeling his heart leave him when his fingers leave Kendall's soft skin.

And before Kendall can say another word, Logan runs. Turns from Kendall and from his heart and runs away like the coward he has always been. He doesn't even know how his legs carry him, doesn't know how he hasn't fallen to the ground to let it swallow him whole, because honestly... that is what he wants. He wants to disappear.

When Logan runs out into the open pavement he lets out a breath he didn't even know he'd been holding, his lungs gasping for air as he looks around him in a haze. He can't feel himself, can't feel the quiver of his fingers or the rapid pounding of his heart. He just needs to get out. People surround him, walking past, pushing past, and walking on to their lives that Logan will never know.

Logan looks up at the sky, the clouds blocking what remains of the dying sun as the last rays of light try so desperately to touch Logan's skin. But instead, Logan lets out a shaky barely there laugh as the lightest droplets of water hit his cheek.

It's raining.

Just like the movies after all.

But this was never going to be like the movies; Logan was never going to have his happy ending.

Logan runs out onto the road, needing to get away and get away fast, his mind muddled with fog as he runs forward, his eyes barely focusing on shapes and his legs just knowing the need to keep pushingpushingpushing. But Logan hears it first, feels it first, feels the hard asphalt almost rumble beneath the soles of his shoes; and then it's the lights.

It's too bright, far too bright; and in some way it reminds Logan of when he first came to LA, when he looked up at that sun and knew it was everything he would never be. Bright, warm, _loved._

But this light is different; it blinds Logan, burns through his eyes right to the core and leaves him standing stunned.

Headlights.

Rain.

"_Logan!"_


End file.
